I’ve always had this resentment against the popular kids, like I’m hyper aware of who the alfa cool guy is wherever I’m in and i get this envy deep in my gut. I’ve always been kinda invisible myself, terrified of negative attention and judgement. since i was a kid, I’m always striving to get close to the popular person and have some of the good graces they seem to be receiving rub off on me. I’m a pathological people pleaser, i want even the third graders at the park to like me. when I’m walking down the street past a homeless person I’ll never see again i wonder what he thinks of me.
all these cool people i want to be so badly _seem_ to have one thing in common, they’re not afraid to be themselves, fuck what others think. so the less you care what others think, the more you attract them. seems kinda paradoxical, that in order to get what i want i need to stop (projecting) that i want it.
and the thing is, I say i want that but actually all that attention would tear me down, I’d feel so much pressure to keep up to the expectations. I’ve always appreciated my ability to simply “vanish” when i don’t feel like “performing”, and just retreat into my head.
anyone else? what is this? am i an introvert? shy? socially anxious? I’m tired of this internal conflict and needing approval.
3 comments
I’m like you, and turned to alcohol to be “those guys”. Not worth it. In the long run its not bad to be shy or introvert, you can work those things slowly and get better. The only thing is for us introverts requires hard work, but there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your question is too good to get a real answer on Reddit. Just the awareness in this post is more than 95% of this sub has.
Really just to talk the people you want to be like, and try being a little more like them and see if it suites you.
If I can borrow from what you said, “they are not afraid to be themselves”, which means they know themselves. So the question is do you know yourself, if yes OWN IT.