I (28f) am trying to figure out if I did anything wrong here.Backstory: I’ve been seeing a guy (25m, we’ll call him Bob) on and off for a few months. We both kind of rushed into a relationship that was more serious than either of us were ready for at the time so we agreed to slow things down and kind of do a reset. Also he had some issues with being physical so quickly so wanted to slow down that part. We’ve been talking (texting) daily and over the past week saw each other almost every day, including several dates that ended at his place getting physical again. Things seemed to be going great.Here’s where I’m not sure what went wrong. My birthday was a few weeks back and I rented a hotel room downtown closer to where most of my friends are, as I wanted to be close to hang out and do lots of fun activities. My party was on a Saturday night for reference.
I was at Bob’s house the Friday beforehand (not a date, just hanging out with some friends) and then left to go pick up my friend from the airport. I told Bob I had to leave to pick up a friend and he didn’t really ask questions, so I didn’t say anything else.
But here’s the thing. My friend is actually my ex (call him Jim) that I separated from last year – it wasn’t a bad breakup and we’re still friends, but we’re 100% platonic – no romantic feelings whatsoever. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time so he flew in to spend the weekend with me. He has other friends in town but they weren’t able to host him so he stayed with me in my hotel. He slept on the couch but it was just us in the room for the weekend.
When Bob found out that my friend I spent the weekend with was my ex, he freaked out. We weren’t officially together but he’s acting like I cheated on him (I didn’t, Jim and I are 100% platonic) but Bob is saying we shouldn’t have stayed alone together in a hotel and that I should have told him my ex was the friend I was picking up and staying with. He’s threatening to end things, I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong here though. Bob and I aren’t officially together so I don’t feel like I owe him an explanation and it’s none of his business who I choose to stay with or not. Is he being overly controlling/jealous? Nothing happened between Jim and I.
tl;dr – My ex flew in from out of town to spend the weekend with me for my birthday. He stayed in my hotel the entire time with me but nothing happened, it was 100% platonic. The guy I’m romantically involved with but not officially dating yet feels betrayed and wants to end things.
edit: typos
11 comments
I have a hard time believing you.
A lot of drama for someone you haven’t been dating for very long. I would jettison and move on.
Uhhh yeah
He didn’t ask but you didn’t offer it up and why is that you knew he’d be uncomfortable, manipulative at all maybe?
You spent a weekend in a hotel with a man you use to screw… talk about a major breach of trust???
Then you play all innocent like oh how was I supposed to know that would be an issue?
I could go on but really… just wow think of I’d the situation was reversed on you?
Golden rule treat others like you would like to be treated I think it’s safe to say that almost anyone in a monogamous life style would have an issue with the fuckery you just pulled. I would cut a guy off so quick for that BS like not even try to talk about it.
A 28 year old woman truly can’t be this clueless, can they?
Reverse the scenario. Bob says he’s going to spend the night in a hotel and party with friends. Afterwards, you find out that it was really Bob and his ex in the hotel room and nobody else. You were never told ahead of time.
Be honest with yourself – how would you feel?
Are you truly this oblivious or is it selective? If your boyfriend didn’t mention that his ex was staying with him in his one room apartment would you be as trusting as you expect him to be?
You have officially not done anything wrong but you have been inconsiderate and a bit oblivious to Bob’s feelings.
Bod has a right to feel uncomfortable with the surprise news that you shared a room with an ex. All this could have been avoided, and no bad move on your part would have been made, if you had just shared your plans beforehand.
It’s not about reporting to your (potential) bf your every move, it’s about considering his feelings, being transparent and including him in your life. This is a highly controversial topic, sleeping with exes in the same room, even being friends with them is a trigger for some people and the fact that you don’t admit that is the problem. Your relationship with Bob is not stable and trust is not a given just because. (In my subjective opinion, you still have to earn his trust and prove you are into your relationship for real or even) simply have the courtesy to discuss boundaries before a situation that could trigger your potential partner occurs.
I agree you did nothing wrong physically but emotionally you disregarded your potential bf and you created a space for doubt whether you realise or not.
People have different boundaries and it’s super important to discuss them. That would be a warning sign for me too if a potential bf did that. Not a sign to end things but a conversation would be definitely needed to clarify the situation.
> I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong here though
LMFAO prepare to be single the rest of your life I guess. I don’t know how you can possibly be this oblivious.
Pretend your positions were reversed. Pretend he just spent the weekend in a hotel room partying with an ex, who he neglected to tell you was an ex. How do you think you would feel about that.
After he dumps you, if you want to keep the next guy you will never tell him this story and you will never do anything like this again. Otherwise get used to keeping yourself company. Trying to get out of this on a technicality is the cherry on top to me. You can say you two weren’t officially dating all you want but your actions were pretty damn clear.
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If you were upfront about your ex he probably would be more trusting. You are not necessarily in the wrong for hanging with your ex (I’m good friends with a couple of mine) , but because you didn’t disclose it that undermines trust, so you are definitely in the wrong in how you handled it.
I’d leave too. That’s fked up
Umm no i am with Bob on this one.
You are well within your rights to do what you want to because you’re not officially together, but you can’t stop others from reacting to it accordingly.
Imagine not paying your electricity bills and then being surprised that the company wants to cut pff your connection.
I hope you do understand why it looks so bad from Bob’s pov. You didn’t tell him it was an ex, when spent the night in a hotel. Bob doesn’t know you guys have zero romantic feelings! For all he knows you guys rekindled your romance in that hotel room!
In his mind you’re the lind of person to hide things and the do inappropriate things like staying in the room with tour ex.
What would you perceive it as if you found that Bob had spent a night in a hotel room with some girl, and then later reveal that it was his exgf??