I’ve been with my gf 24F for a little over 3 years. Been living together for 2 of them. Known each other for roughly 9-10 years tho all that previous time was an online acquaintance.
We have had our ups and downs, a few fights though not in a long time, and some great adventures and experiences. She is amazing, funny, thoughful, and always there for me.
I think she’d say the same about me, but I don’t necessarily agree.
We’ve both put time and effort into the relationship, perhaps more so than me. But I’m struggling whether to stay with her or not. She’s always said if things end it will be my choice. And I hate the idea of hurting her. It kills me inside. Sometimes it seems great to leave, others horrifying, and others still like maybe I just need to put my head down and push through everything.
I love her, and I can’t make myself (even in this anonymous way) state too many…shortcomings or slights in one go.
To keep it short, I have been the only income since I think Aug of 2021, and we scrape by. Not barely, but to the point that I am always stressing about money. I’ve gone into debt simply because on the weekends I/we need to go out to destress.
She’s struggled with mental illness the entire time I’ve known her, and while I’ve done my best to help her through it all, sometimes it hurts. Maybe too much.
The stress I feel from work sometimes makes it hard to really keep my own mental health at an okay capacity.
In light of that, I can’t help but wonder if I’m just the bad guy in everything. If I haven’t been loving enough, if I haven’t been there for her as much as I should be, if I should be okay with supporting both of us on my own, if I have in some capacity been abusive or manipulative and not realized it. I’ve asked her and she always very adamantly says I haven’t. I simply can’t help but wonder if my thoughts of leaving are more her, or me.
I know there are alot of things missing, I just can’t put them into words without some level of prompting. But I guess what I’m hoping for is some kind of clarity whether I’m allowed? (Cant think of the right word) for thinking about leaving. Or simply whether I should or not.
Tl;dr I’m thinking about leaving my 3 year relationship but don’t know whether I’m in the wrong/right or if life stress is just too much for me and that’s the cause of these thoughts.
5 comments
Either choice will result in regret. That’s the reality. If you choose one, you will be wondering about the other.
I will say that her not having a job has likely caused all of these feelings to snowball. And I think your relationship will improve once you feel like she is treating you as an equal and contributing.
>But I guess what I’m hoping for is some kind of clarity whether I’m allowed? (Cant think of the right word) for thinking about leaving.
You never need a reason to break up other than ‘I want to break up”. You don’t need to justify it to anyone.
However, if you are looing for justification, supporting 2 people with no end in sight and the fact that it causes you an insane amount of stress would be enough for me.
It is so hurtful to realize that your person of choice isn’t in a place to be dating and that whatever you have should never have progressed, because put in the most basic simple terms, they haven’t got their s*** together.
I don’t know what your exact situation is but the way that I am reading things, she has always struggled with her mental health long before you came along and you being in her life wasn’t enough for her to finally get the mental health help that she needed and to fix everything. And that’s fair enough, it’s a personal choice. But this also means that there is nothing that you can do or that can happen in her life that will get her to I get that help and to finally improve. If you stay with her, you inevitably become her crutch and her reason not to get Mental Health help.
Sadly, with mental health, if she has trouble getting out of bed every single day to the point where she can’t even hold down a job, what is their life to give in a romantic relationship? Depression and anxiety and mental health takes everything that she has to give and more. How is she going to be an equal partner in the relationship, or in the place that you live in, or as a mother? I don’t think she can.
There’s also a matter of life direction. You are going someplace. You have an income and every day you work towards it. She has none of those things. She is sitting still. Both of you are already going in different directions and have been for a long time. It’s just finally catching up with you how very different those mileages are and how far away from you she is. As you continue to progress in your career it will get worse and worse.
Also, from a personal finance standpoint of things, being so stressed out that you have to go out is fine. But going into debt in order to be unstressed out is not okay at all. Credit card debt is a financial emergency. There are all kinds of things that you can do outside of the house that don’t cost a lot of money. If this relationship is starting to drag you under the water, and it sounds like it is, that’s even more of an alarm bell. You are the only person who is floating this relationship. She is already at the bottom of the sea. If you let her drag her down to her level, there will be neither of you who is making it. And when you finally do break up with her, you will have to get back to where you were before and it will take you awhile. And you will be angry.
Sounds like you are not happy. Maybe it’s a good time to start over.
Why are you concerned that you should be the one doing more? Trust me, that’s not really the thought of someone who is abusive and manipulative.
If she’s having mental health issues…what is she doing to address that? You cannot and should not be her source of therapy/mental health support. That will kill your relationship. If the answer is “nothing and she won’t see anyone about it”, then this will never improve.
But you can leave whenever you want. You don’t owe her staying in a relationship if you don’t want to be in it. You don’t sound happy, you sound obligated and guilty.