My mom has a different last name than my dad; I took my dad’s last name. My fiancée wants me to change my last name to my mom’s before we get married since she doesn’t like my last name and would rather take my mom’s last name in marriage. She says that is important to her and so on. I said I will ask my parents and see what they think. They said that this is completely against our customs and would hurt my dad. They also can’t believe how someone could make such a request.
When I told my fiancée, she says that I don’t prioritize “our” family and that she can’t be with someone like that. I said that I was sorry but that she needs to be respectful of my customs and family and that she needs to be less controlling of me.
I’ve asked her is she wanted to keep her last name but she refused, stating that she wants a name together for our family. While I agree that family should second in most matters regarding my fiancée, I personally think this is asking too much. Also, considering the fact that this issue, i.e., changing family last name, does involve them in a way too and I don’t want to ostracize them. Any advice?
— tl;dr: My fiancee wants me to change my last name to my mom’s because she doesn’t like my last name. Parents and I said no and now she’s threatening to call off our engagement saying that I don’t prioritize “our” family.
**EDIT : So to give more color, she is mad that I’m not willing to change my name. Fiancée interprets this as some sort of unilateral decision on my part ignoring her input. She states that I’m not working together as a family if I’m not willing to change my name together with her.**
49 comments
Your fiancé can just keep her last name… if you marry her or not.. choose wisely
Everbody just keep your own name. If she wants a new last name, she’s free to change hers. FYI she seems a little controlling, are you ready for that?
This sounds pretty controlling on her part think long and hard if you want to go down this road
Does she love you or your name??? I don’t believe that a bride has to take her husband’s last name , I also believe that a husband can take his wife’s last name but your fiancé is a bit out of line with her request. She sounds very unreasonable, I’m guessing this is not the first time she’s shown her true self.
Why do people complicate your life? Can everyone just keep their own last name and called a day? Be happy
RUN 🏃🏽♂️
And so it begins… what will be next?
Stand your ground, that’s an unreasonable request, she can just keep her name.
She should be ok with whatever you want to do, like you would be ok with whatever she wants to do. Decide once, tell her, and then that’s the end of it. If she brings it up you change the subject, or say “we already talked about this”
I hate to say this but this is a big giant red flag.
Sure, there can be a lot of emotions when it comes to changing your name. However, I can’t imagine throwing a fit because I wanted my spouse to change their name so I can have a better-sounding last name. If you don’t want to change your name, please don’t.
And you’re not “not prioritizing your family”. If she truly loves you, the letters in your last name shouldn’t matter. Call her on her bluff and if she does call it off, then that tells you more than anyone on here could. Good luck, I hope she can find a different perspective
How about everyone keeps their own last name. I doubt any children will get that confused if you just explain to them, I don’t think they’re suddenly going to think oh they’re not really my family.
Okay, tell her you won’t if you don’t want to. It’s that simple.
She shouldn’t demand you change her last name just like you shouldn’t demand her change hers. Her choices are 1) change her name 2) don’t change her name. That’s it. Though it sounds like you guys also have to talk about kid’s last names too if she doesn’t like your last name.
Though I will say it was a little odd to ask your parents what to do about your last name.
She can change her name to your mom’s last name. You don’t have to.
Your fiancés reasons for wanting to change your name are shallow. Tell her she can either take your name or keep hers, but you’re not changing yours.
Respectively bro, your fiancee sounds whack.
You can change your last name to take your fiancé’s last name – that way you have the same last name and your parents are not involved
Did you have that opinion of the situation before you talked to your parents? It kind of sounds like you just copied whatever your parents said about it.
Also, are you and your fiancé from the same culture?
Can you add your mother’s name as a middle name? You can be Joe Middle Last and she can be Jane Middle Last (like Hillary Rodham Clinton). Then if she wants to shorten it and just go by “Jane Middle” this is like Hillary going by Hillary Rodham. You can still drop your middle name and go by Joe Last but you can use Joe Middle Last when you present together
Lol she means you don’t prioritise her wants.
Sounds like a very sculptured world you are heading for
She doesn’t even have to change her last name and still marry you
You could take her name?
You really wanna marry someone who’s calling it quits over a last fukin name
She is being unreasonable and controlling. Does your fiancée have an issue with your dad? It seems like she wants to distance you from him as you made it clear you don’t care if she changes her surname or not.
She is being controlling and disrespectful. Names are not fashion statements, especially not family names. I’m surprised you were willing to even consider it. Why is she expecting you to trade out your name like a pair of shoes to match what she wants?
The solution to this is for her to not take your name. It’s 2022, people do that nowadays. It’s very simple. If she doesn’t like your name, she doesn’t have to take it.
If she has always been like this, forcing you to bend over backwards and make sacrifices for what are whims on her part, then I would urge extreme caution and consideration before you proceed. If this could be wedding stress or whatever else, then proceed with caution but you know her better than we do.
Ok so you’ve shared your fiancé’s view and your parents view but what do you actually think/ feel about this? Do you like your last name? Are you open to changing your name? Would you think of taking your fiancé’s surname? Does it matter to you if you both have the same surname or not?
This isn’t something your parents get a vote on, this is between you and your fiancé. You know her views and you have considered your parents views so now it’s time for you to consider how important this is to you and what you feel comfortable with.
Just make up a last name together and start your own dominion from scratch.
She’s picking the wrong hill to die on… this is such a trivial thing to jeprodize getting married over. Your last name is a part of you, and who you are and you should not be pressured into changing it. If she wants to leave her name or change it to “immature” then that one’s on her. I do agree of course it would hurt your father and family, that’s kind of a hard thing to take in especially if that’s part of your family custom. Don’t budge on this, and if she leaves, good riddance.
No, she’s being ridiculous. If she doesn’t like YOUR last name, then she can keep her own or change it to whatever she wants. She’s under no obligation to change her last name. Just as you’re under no obligation to change yours. Its non-sensical for her to say that you’re not prioritizing your family with her…she’s literally making this an issue because she doesn’t PREFER your last name.
Your fiancee is manipulating and controlling you by giving you an ultimatum. This isn’t a relationship, sounds more like ownership. She’s disrespecting your family( parents), in asking this of you.
What is it with people thinking they can just demand people to change things to suit their personal wants? Then pout or manipulate to get their way.
We don’t love people for their names, but for the person they are. Tbh, there are a lot of last names that are weird or we might not like, but the person who has them owns them with pride, and it doesn’t reflect the type of person they are.
Keep your last name. Own it with pride. Tell her to keep hers or take the name you already have.
Talk about red flags.
You may have just dodged a bullet.
Updateme!
I mean….. how old are you? You need to make the choice based on YOUR feelings. Not your parents. Saying “hold on I need to ask for mommy and daddy’s permission” makes you seem incredibly immature and I would not want to marry someone like that either. Huuuuuuge turn off and makes me think she’s right, and you wouldn’t be able to provide/contribute to your family with her, as you’re not even independent enough to own your own opinions on your last name.
she can hyphenate her name.
jane doe-yourlastname.
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this is most common in this situation. But dont let her make you change your fathers last name .
You fiancee should keep her name. Why change her name and also ask her to change your name? It’s like musical chairs.
If she doesn’t like her last name, she can take her mom’s name or you can both have a hyphenated last name.
My step mum did this with my dad when they had my half brother (before they were married). She told him she’d put down her last name when he was born not my dad’s unless he changed it. This made my dad change his last name and his two kids (me and my older brother) names too. To be fair it wasn’t great and we got crazy bullied for it so there wasn’t any complaints from us, just funny how our mum had been married to him and had 2 kids and never expected that of him and this woman did. If it has meaning to you I wouldn’t be changing it in a hurry, let her keep her own surname if she doesn’t want yours.
So what’s your surname and what’s the surname she likes? Not that this matters but I’m curious.
Oh, she is being unreasonable, and doesn’t seem like she loves you with this ridiculous demand.
>I said that I was sorry but that she needs to be… …less controlling of me.
The fact that you seemed agreeable until your parents disagreed indicates that it might not be your fiancé who’s the controlling one but rather your parents.
So… she doesn’t want to keep her name and wants a family name, but won’t take your current last name? I’m not understanding her logic.
Sorry bro, but I started howling reading the second sentence. You and I both know how insane of a request that is. I’m not sure of your lady’s age, but that kind of thinking is very immature in my opinion. She has 2 options – her last name or yours. If she is still upset, good luck with your future life.
Man, your fiancé is way too controlling. If she doesn’t like your last name, she doesn’t have to take it. But demanding that you adopt your mother’s name so everybody can have the same name and then threatening to leave you when you resist is kinda scary.
She is completely unreasonable. She should also consider that it isn’t her name and the owner of the name does not wish to pass it on this way. She should respect that. Have a mature, adult conversation about it and get her to understand that she needs to respect your customs as well. There’s a possibility of both of you having an alternative last name. Of course you may have to have another discussion with your parents. Good luck.
To be honest I don’t understand or like this custom you have, but that’s none of my business. Tell her to keep her last name. Easy.
I mean, she can legally change it to whatever she wants. She can take your mom’s name. You don’t have to do anything.
I could think of a number of compelling reasons why your fiancee might be unwilling to take your father’s last name. For example, “my (fiancee’s) family name is one with a proud history, and I am the last of my family with that name”; or “combined with (fiancee’s) given name, your father’s family name creates an unfortunate or rude phrase”; or “a wife taking her husband’s name when they marry is patriarchal and in today’s enlightened society we should do something different”.
However, “I don’t like it, choose another” does not really make it onto my personal “compelling reasons” list. That is not to say it is a bad reason, and if you had no particular attachment to your father’s name, that would be fine.
However, her insistence is that you take your mother’s family name so that she has a surname after marriage that is more aesthetically pleasing. Additionally, that if you do not do this then you are not supporting her. This completely disregards any attachment that you have to your father’s surname.
She does not have a good argument to support her idea, so she breaks out the “you are not being supportive” argument despite there being a number of good (or at least potentially discussable) options, including her keeping her maiden name, or you both take on hyphenated surnames (which would preserve your father’s surname and may possibly be a compromise that your family can support?).
Welcome to what I predict will be the future of your relationship. Any time she does not get her way but does not have a good argument to support her desire, you MUST agree to what she wants, or you are not being supportive.
I think she’s allowed to ask and you’re allowed to say no. Saying no to a request is not making a unilateral decision because something as personal as one’s own legal name was never a shared decision to make. Also, you should just be allowed to say no and not be harassed and made to feel guilty for it. She’s allowed to feel disappointed but shouldn’t be taking that out on you.
I think threatening to end the engagement and saying you’re not be loyal or working together because you won’t do a thing she wants you to do is very hypocritical and manipulative. She seems to think ‘working as a team’ is actually just doing what she wants.
I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we married. I actually like his family name and both our mom’s took our dad’s last names when they married. My husband admits he would have liked it if I took his but never pressured me to because he respects my autonomy and decisions. My reasoning wasn’t even that deep. At the time I was stressed out because I had just immigrated to his country through a marriage visa and there was a lot of change going on in my life. I had also just renewed two ten year passports before we got married and they had my maiden name on them. I’m attached to the fact that I have a gmail account that has my first.last@gmail.com cause I got it right when they started Gmail and I could never get such a neat and simple email address again. So yeah, that’s about it. Not super serious but also not worth threatening to end a marriage over!
We make plenty of decisions together, sometimes compromise, and sometimes allow the other person to have their way. But when it comes to stuff like one’s own name and own body, those decisions belong to you.
Frankly, it sounds like her priorities are all out of wack, her communication and behaviors do not speak to someone who is ready for the commitment of marriage. I’d tread carefully.
If this issue, which will in reality have little to no effect in your day to day life, is causing this much turmoil, I am afraid for your ability to discuss and compromise on more significant disagreements in your relationship. You can use this as an opportunity to work on disagreements as mature adults and if you can’t listen to each other and come to an agreement, great. If not, I would consider whether or not you are both mature enough and compatible enough to get married.
I’m so confused. She should keep her last name if she is so adamantly against taking your current last name. It’s actually pretty common all around for married couples to have different last names..
You are both walking red flags. She is being ridiculous with the name change and manipulations. You are for having to ask your parents permission. If you don’t want to change your name, just say that. Also telling her to be respectful of your family and customs is a big no. You don’t get to force your customs on her just as she doesn’t get to force you to change your name. It really sounds like you’re both too immature for marriage.
She doesn’t have to take yours but you don’t have to change yours. If she wants a shared name, you could double barrel them, but you are under no obligation. She’s sounding very manipulative.