Me = 38F. Him = 38M. Kinda dating-ish 5 months.
Earlier this year my job asked me to go and work in the US for 6 weeks. My first week in Boston, I went on Bumble for shits and giggles, and I matched with this guy. We had a date, it went really well and we clicked. A week later my job asked me to go to the California office so I kind of flitted back and forth between Boston and California but whenever I was in Boston, we went on dates.
At the end of the 6 weeks, I had to come back to the UK. We’ve been texting all day, every day and I’ve even managed to wrangle more work trips to Boston since but never for more than 10 days at a time. The time I’m there, though, we see each other. He also recently asked me to go over and stay with him so I funded that flight myself, took some time off work and stayed with him for a long weekend. He’s just flown home today after visiting the UK for a week and we spent time together here.
Whenever we see each other, he tells me I’m beautiful and funny, and we have the best time. Lots of amazing sex and lots of laughing. It’s genuinely a good time. When we aren’t in the same country, we spend all day texting and sending pics (obviously taking in to account the 5 hour time difference).
My problem is he’s still active on Bumble. Apparently Bumble only updates your location when you open the app and it frequently updates to different boroughs in his area (mine is still in travel mode – I like him and I’m not one to date around. I date one man and see it through to completion, whatever that may be). It also showed him in different locations around my city in the UK (he has friends here so we didn’t spend the whole time together, but that’s fine). He also got horrendously drunk on Friday and called me his “British w***e” in front of his friends. I was mortified. We’ve talked about it since and he’s apologised but now I just don’t know if I’m being used, but it’s kind of a big effort to use me when we’re in different countries, right? Unless I’m one of many Bumble girls.
How do I even ask what this is and what we’re doing? It feels like a long distance thing but the Bumble thing also throws me off. Us texting all the time is a good sign, yes? I don’t want to ruin it but I also don’t want to waste my time. I do really like him. Any tips on how to not fuck this up?
TL;DR – I met a man in another country and we’ve spent a decent amount of time together since, despite it being kind of long distance. However, I’m scared to ask him what this is and what we’re really doing because I don’t want to pressure him and ruin it, but I also don’t want to waste my time.
7 comments
Probably being used for fun but you can try having a serious convo with him on what he is looking for so you dont waste more time
Its been 5 months, still relatively fresh. Not uncommon to keep your options open, especially if you haven’t discussed exclusivity.
If you’re concerned about what it is or his intentions, ask him. It’s pretty simple. If it ruins it, he obviously wasn’t the right person.
As for calling you his British wh*re it wouldn’t sit comfortably with me personally and I’d find it a red flag. If he can talk derogatory about you to his friends in front of you, what’s he saying when you aren’t there?
I’ll be straight, it’s really weird that you’re afraid to have an honest conversation with him about your relationship status. What are you hoping for – some reason the Bumble thing is totally innocent and then he confesses that luckily he’s always been monogamous to you? Ask him how he feels and what he wants from the relationship. It’s not pressure, it’s reasonable questions considering you’re seeing each other.
Am seeing someone from another country too, I know it’s not ideal, but the only difference is knowing the distance makes it hard and makes time together seem like it’s too brief to ‘waste’. Still, why live in limbo? If your person lived close by you wouldn’t hesitate to ask him what you’re doing together, right? Treat it the same. Partner and I have agreed to be polyamorous but it’s not my favourite approach. I have to keep checking in with him about what’s going on and how we feel so I can decide if I need to back away. Better that we both have the capacity and knowledge to make that choice.
Maybe this is cynical of me, but I think he revealed his intentions when he drunkenly called you a slur for a woman who exchanges sex for money. I dunno why, but it really stands out to me that he also pointed out your nationality… Like, this guy used you as clout, “I’ve got an exotic foreign piece of ass please respect me fellow males”… Ick.
Surely there are nicer men than this closer to you.
Next time anyone calls you a “wh**e” you will split up with them in front of their friends. He’s a player, move on. This guy does believe what he says and he was showing you off. This isn’t a relationship just a show off sex buddy deal.
See, this would be the first thing to establish, what are you for each other! Today’s dating scene got reversed since I was dating, in my time being together= being exclusive. With such online distractions, you may be his British wife, while entertaining also a German one, a Swedish one and so on and so forth. Maybe also a job wife?
It is your task to clear your situation out!
Use your words. “Are you still dating other people? Because I am not, and I would like us to get to that point.”