Context, my boyfriend (m 29) and I (f 29) have been dating 6 months. He has some trust issues and so do I. He has accused me of cheating on numerous occasions (started with my business trips since I fly out of state to meet clients and go to my office HQ since I WFH). It got better then got worse again when I visited a friend (we’ve been friends nearly 10 years) briefly for 20 minutes at his place of work and noticed I was sitting at the same location on find my friends. I thought giving him access to FMF would ease his anxiety but it feels he’s using it as a weapon.
Fast forward to this weekend, he demanded I give him access to my ring doorbell camera (we do not live together) so he can see who comes and goes from my house. I told him that’s controlling and an invasion of privacy and he accused me of hiding things and trying to invite other men over. (I’m also bi but he has 0 issue when I invite my female friends over). He said he’s not being controlling in asking for that but I feel like that’s not true.
He’s also accused me of manipulating and gaslighting him on multiple occasions and I just can’t get my head straight anymore. Is this controlling or am I losing it and over reacting?
29 comments
Wow. Just no. His behavior and demands are completely unacceptable. He is trying to manipulate and control you, and then gaslight you into believing he isn’t. I’m sorry to say this, but this level of toxic is likely to get worse, not better.
Yeah dump this guy. None of this is normal or healthy and it’s not going to get better from here. Especially since it’s only been 6 months.
Girl if you don’t get rid of him! He might just try to harm you. Smh.
Trust is the foundation for all relationship both, professional and intimate.
I would recommend you both work on trust issues and may need some counselling, individually and couple’s therapy. But I don’t think your relationship with him is salvageable.
If this is in six months, I would hate to see what’s it going to be like in six years. The lingering question is would he stop at access to a video doorbell or this being the beginning of going through your texts, email, phone call, handbag, your car?
This is all very controlling and extremely unhealthy.
It’s completely abnormal and wrong to demand surveillance access on your partner and their living spaces.
To be constantly accused of such a horrible act all of the time with little to no proof.
You ready for the cheating wife lifestyle for the next 50 years. All of the distrust and punishment of cheating without getting to screw someone else.
I know the “dump him” advice is cliché around here.. but come on..
It will never be enough. Find someone who is secure in themselves and actually trusts you.
All this after only six months? Yikes.
You better run and he better get some serious terapy.
That’s nuts. It’s scary that he thinks it’s perfectly okay. This sounds like it could become a unsafe relationship for you. You’re only six months in and he’s tracking you. He’s controlling and doesnt even pretend to respect boundaries.
6 months girl, 6 months. This should have been over after the first chwating accusation.
**Your BF seems to confuse dating you with owning you**. You can choose to give him whatever access you want, like when you are gone on travel and it would help secure your house. But I would make it clear that access should be used when you are on travel.
Just because you are dating it doesn’t mean that you have to share everything, everyone needs privacy. What he is demanding is unhealthy and very controlling behavior
You’ve been with him for six months. He either trusts and believes you, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t trust you that’s his problem, not yours and you shouldn’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with to accommodate his insecurities. If that’s too much of a problem, then there’s no future where this relationship doesn’t devolve further into abuse and controlling than it already is. It’s time to step back and assess what you’re actually getting out of this relationship. Is it worth the fights and abuse?
Please do not give this man access to any of your home security. His behavior is raising some serious red flags, please don’t ignore them. This is not the man you want to be with if this is how he behaves six months into the relationship.
I completely understand the struggle of getting over trust issues, but he is weaponizing his in order to control you. His distrust does not give him the right to demand 100% access to your life.
If you chose to break up, or even if you stay together, make sure that the passwords for all your accounts/devices are extremely secure. His behavior is extremely controlling – try to be mindful of the fact that he may try to access these devices without your permission.
Cut your losses.
It’s only been six months, and his demands are absurd and escalating.
A guy with this degree of trust issues should not be in a relationship but working on himself.
He is stressing you out, surely, and using his issues to control and manipulate you. This is a very toxic situation.
OP. Behaviours like this only escalate. I urge you to look at this: https://coercivecontrolcollective.org/news/2018/3/12/the-power-and-control-wheel-1
These are obvious signs of abuse. Break up, he’s nuts.
Time for a better BF!! Tell hm no, not your problem if he has trust issues!!
Yikes. NOPE.
This relationship sounds like a bust.
I’m sorry, but he has stepped well over the line that separates *insecure* from *controlling and abusive*.
Worrying about you cheating is a different thing from frequent accusations!
The ring doorbell thing needs to be a wake up call for you.
No, this is not healthy. If you give him access to the camera, it won’t be enough. For someone so insecure, nothing will ever be enough to convince him to trust you. And you’ll both be miserable for the trying.
You deserve a better relationship than this. If you don’t think you do, then it’s time to work on your self-esteem.
He is not your husband and you have only been dating 6 months…..but he accuses you of having affairs, gaslighting, and manipulation, generally acts like a crazy psycho, and now wants access to your home security system to check on you?
This is very scary. Seriously. Need to get out of this before it goes too far. Knew someone a few years ago whose boyfriend was incredibly controlling and watched her every move — she had to get a restraining order and go into hiding after she tried to break things off.
He’s the controlling one, and trying to put you in the place where you doubt yourself and the evidence of your own experiences with him.
Get rid and find someone who’s not a major control freak.
It’s controlling. DUMP HIM NOW. He’s waving ALL THE RED FLAGS and showing you who he is. Believe him and go.
>Is this controlling or am I losing it and over reacting?
He is VERY controlling. Also, he has issues with trust and expects YOU to jump through all kinds of hoops so you can assuage his feelings, but these are HIS trust issues and for HIM to fix.
Don’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you. It never works out.
Get out now. It only gets worse when there is gaslighting involved.
Very scary behaviour considering it’s only 6 months in, I can only see this behaviour escalating-not getting better..this sounds like a person who will stalk your every move (already doing that), isolating you from friends (already starting) and putting pressure on your work life (already doing that too!) soon you’ll not be allowed to leave the house unless he’s with you, won’t be able to have hair/make up done and he’ll be dictating what you can wear.
Get out while you still can
6 months in and you’re on Reddit asking for relationship advice.
Yeah, no it’s not going to work out. Leave while you can and minimize the damage.