So when I was 6 years old I was in a house fire and this left me with burns mostly on my face and hands/arms but i’ve always felt self conscious. Im not badly burned (they were 2nd degree burns) although the scars are still noticable and over the years I’ve had people make comments about it. I was also bullied for it in school and my nickname was “freddy krueger”.
Im still a virgin and dating apps dont work for me. Im tall and athletic, even tho im a burns victim but I do honestly try my hardest to look my best. Im also very career driven and ambitious in fact I’ve always thought that I need to make loads of money as a way to make up for my looks.
But When Im out I do get jelous of seeing guys with attractive women, I know that im a burns victim so I am a being a hypocrite but looks do matter to me and I am a visual person. I do have standards but I feel like im not allowed them because of me being a burns victim. I wish that I could get myself an attractive woman like the rest of these guys and another thing is that I really want kids someday.
Thats why I have always been very focused on my career/money is because thats probaly the only way that im going to get myself a woman is if I can provide and bring money to the table.
By the way im not looking for a model but the physical attraction needs to be there for me and another thing is that sex is important, I will expect sex when im in a relationship
21 comments
I just want to come there and hug you! I want to say please don’t sell yourself short. You have so much to offer to a woman (and I am not talking about money – I mean your own personality, your kindness, your values, your strength of character). You are more than worthy of the love of an attractive woman. Please don’t give up. You are definitely allowed to still have standards. You are forgetting all of the other things you have to offer a woman (again, I don’t mean money – trust me, you don’t want a woman who just wants your money anyway). Be patient with yourself and be confident in the great qualities you have to offer.
yes, you will
> Im not badly burned (they were 2nd degree burns) although the scars are still noticable and over the years I’ve had people make comments about it. I was also bullied for it in school and my nickname was “freddy krueger”.
People who say these kinds of things are looking for a vulnerable spot to plunge a dagger into. It doesn’t mean that they’re telling the truth when no one else will, or that their opinions are worth carrying with you through life.
If you had big ears, they’d have called you dumbo.
Anything *even slightly* different is a target.
You were burned. You have scars.
Not everyone is going to be ok with that, and that sucks. But some people will be. More than you might think.
Your job here is to accomplish thee things:
* Accept yourself.
Stop seeing yourself as horribly deformed and unlovable. I seriously doubt that you are anywhere as disfigured as you think you are. You may want to see a therapist about this.
You were burned. You are scarred. And if you can come to accept this about yourself, and hold yourself with confidence, without being self-conscious or defensive, I promise you that women will find that attractive. Not every woman, but you don’t need every woman. You just need one.
* Put yourself out there.
You can’t find the woman who finds you attractive if you’re cutting yourself off from social interactions where you’ll meet her. You’ll face rejection. Some of that will be because of your burns. Most of it will be because of the same reasons that everyone goes through rejection while dating.
* Be more accepting of others
If you’re just looking to bang attractive women, then do that. Expect lots of rejection until you stop caring about rejection. (Because that’s what *everyone*, including the hot guys, go through)
But if you’re actually looking for someone who cares about you, adjust your perceptions of others, because the whole “I expect sex when I’m in a relationship, she has to be attractive, I try to compensate for my crippling lack of self esteem with money” means that you see women in a very transactional manner that won’t lead to deep, lasting connections.
A million percent yes.
Dating apps don’t really work in general. Don’t feel bad. All you can do is try to meet women and see how it goes.
I don’t know your life and I don’t know what your scars are like, but I’d wager money that your difficulty dating is only partly your looks and is mostly you believing that nobody could like you for who you are. Looks are great, money is great, and they _absolutely_ affect who will go on a date with you, but when you start talking about a life partner, kids, that kind of thing, it really is about who you are inside.
There’s more to looks than smooth skin, too. Posture, dress sense, hygiene, confidence — spend your effort on those. Your skin is what it is, but those other things are things you can control and they have a huge effect on attractiveness.
> I’ve always thought that I need to make loads of money as a way to make up for my looks
Ambition is attractive (to most people) but I’d caution against leaning too hard on this idea. You really don’t want someone who *only* likes you for your money. And, for your own happiness throughout life, you won’t be a happy man if you believe your only worth is money. You want someone who will love you for who you are, but you also have to be able to love *yourself* for who you are. Maybe that means changing your idea of your self worth, or maybe it means some soul searching and really changing who you are. IDK, this is super vague, but speaking as someone who spent way too much of their life wallowing in self loathing, nobody else can really save you from that, only you can, and the way out is sometimes hard, it’s different for everyone, it takes real strength sometimes, but it’s worth it.
Every one is different. For women, personality trumps looks so work on your self confidence.
I was teased in school too. Unfortunately it happens. I found therapy helpful.
I am concerned about your expectations in a relationship…
That Looks matter and you feel you should do something to get a hot girl.
I’m not discounting that there is definitely a need to have attraction between two people, however, to somehow feel that you need a woman that is of a certain level of attractiveness is very shallow, and you probably won’t meet the women that you are looking for.
Now if things are important to you like there into fitness because you are and things like that. That’s one thing, but everybody is not born a five, six, seven, eight nine, etc
I think that it would be helpful for you to do some soul searching, and I think some of this is because you are younger, but what I have learned over the years and from other people is that it really is what’s on the inside of a person that matters. Matters.
What happens if you fall in love with someone? That’s beautiful and she gets disfigured Do you still love her?
You could certainly get a good job and make lots of money, and there are women that are out there looking for men to pay their way and to rely on them for financial support and looks are farther down the list of things that are important to them, if not one of the farthest. That is a very transactional relationship, and it might involve love at some point, but is more of an arranged thing.
So you’re not doomed forever, especially if you’re a genuinely nice person and care about others, and you’re not even necessarily doomed for a particular period of time to go without sex. Sex.
Just feel from the way that I read your comments that you maybe need to find some respect for women it and maybe you have it but it’s just reading wrong and it has nothing to do with scars.
It’s your expectation that if you’re with somebody that you expect her to have sex with you. Finding a compatible partner that has the same sex drive you have is not a problem, it’s just the expectation. I guess that you have that kind of makes me feel squicky.
I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. Someone that has a high sex drive and that you would be mentally and emotionally compatible with, and who puts personality above looks. And maybe that person isn’t a seven or a 5 or whatever it is that you want, but is it a more important to have a loving, fun relationship that’s more than just sex? Sex is awesome, But there is so much more to being happy with a person than just sex
I don’t think your burns are going to Be a huge deal. Maybe you will find a drop dead gorgeous woman that sees you for your awesome personality. And maybe she even likes how great and fit your body is and the way you dress and she see you as who you are rather than your scars.
But what you got to do I think was to start getting involved into different social activity is where you can meet people with similar interests.
And yeah you have to get ready for rejection because that is just part of life and dating unfortunately.
Yes you will..don’t worry about it.
Dude, even tho I feel like this could be nice for you to hear I don’t know how to say it without sounding creepy, but fuck it: when coupled with a confident attitude I actually find scars and such to be pretty attractive? Like, when someone lives with that kind of thing and seems sure of themselves it’s just impressive, they seem solid (and hot!). So I wouldn’t assume right away that no woman will want you for your looks, because I totally could lmao (I was into a girl with severe burning scars in her face ages ago, but I did nothing because I was really scared of coming off as a fetishist and making her feel dehumanized, so I feel like that might be more of an issue than nobody finding you attractive :c )
The point of my comment is, you probably could have superficial relationships just like people without scars can have, because there are probably more women that could want you, not in spite of your looks, but for them.
You will be fine. I promise.
You keep calling yourself a “burns victim”. I know it’s easy for me to say, but you’re much more than that. Try describing yourself in better ways, you said yourself you’re athletic, try “I’m an athlete and ambitious”. Children are evil let’s be honest, they pick on anyone for anything, doesn’t mean they were telling the truth.
Parter of 5 years is a burn survivor. Entir side of their chest, upper arm, and some on their chin. There are people in this world who enjoy hurting others. That’s because they are lacking in something. You are deserving of love and you’ll find that in someone who has the kindness and sensitivity to see who you are on the inside.
I briefly dated someone with serious burn scars on 90% on his face from his bio parents trying to burn him alive as a child.
It didn’t matter to me at all. I still thought he was attractive, I didn’t just see the scars. I’m pretty sure most would, you could tell he was really conventionally attractive.
Unfortunately his personality and mine didn’t mesh, so that was what did it for me. But I think that’s what matters in the end, the personality makes or breaks it.
Dating apps are definitely shitty for everyone. Instead of worry of who will or won’t swipe on you I’d spend the energy on boosting your confidence (staying fit and healthy helps, so that’s great) and honestly realizing what a great guy you are and that someone would be lucky to have you.
grew up with a guy who had a badly disfigured upper lip from cleft lip and cleft pallet. so much in fact, it affected the sound of his speech. so, the whole time anyone is talking to him, the messed up mouth and voice… unmistakeably right there in your face. nice guy, tall, athletic, developed his body, lifted, played sports, lean, muscular, worked hard, decent student, was friendly, popular. had no problems dating any kind of women towards the end of high school, throughout college, and into adulthood. didn’t even settle down until his mid-late 30’s because he was out there, enjoying all sorts of women. now, he and his wife, both happy, fit, attractive. you get out what you put in man. get to work on yourself. optimize. improve in every way you can. never stop and eventually you’ll end up where you want to be.
You’re just a normal guy, of course you’re gonna find a girl you find attractive and that loves you, you have the exact same chances as everyone else. Put in the work to heal from the trauma being bullied for your scars have you and once you manage to accept yourself more you’ll see the world is full of women who you can date
Oh, I want to hug you. I have many scars. Surgery and self inflicted. You are worthy of love either way and I know you will someday find it, even if you have to fight to get there. There is a person for every single one of us on this earth. I believe that
I lot of people are demisexual and care more about your personality than your physical form. I keep running into people like that. Ive decently attractive but someone told me they would still like me if I looked like a frog because Im genuine, sweet, and kind
So I dated a girl who was a burn Survivor the burn is covered her entire legs and half of her ass and honestly it didn’t bother me in the slightest if someone is into you they won’t care about your flaws
Sounds like you need a lot more practice in accepting yourself, before you start trying to lock down a relationship.
Most people who have dated around, discover there is muuuuuuuuuuuch more to a connection (especially a lasting one, where you get married and have kids) than physical attraction. Sure it needs to be there. But it also grows as you get to know someone, you find all kinds of attractive things.
For me, your attitude is a turn off that I wouldn’t be able to get past, and I don’t know what you actually look like. You were indeed a victim of a fire at a young age. But stop being the victim in your head. It’s been 18 years since the accident, time to grow your self love and acceptance. If you can’t love you, you can’t expect anyone else to- romantically.
And, you need to make a list of maybe 10 things you value in a relationship outside of physical looks and sex. Communication, emotional intelligence, wit, charm, banter… Shoot within your range (but make your range bigger… Value other humans on a better scale because yes, you sound vain and naive)
I may come out as an outright asshole right now, but the scars would have mattered less if you were a woman. Before I get down voted, it has nothing to do with good or bad people. It has to do with sex. Men approach everyone they think they can score, regardless of the looks. And then they get to know the person, if they like the person they go ahead. Most women give preference to looks first, economic conditions and then the personality. I’m not hating on women, it’s just evolution.