Why does it still hurt, 2 years on?

I (30m) met a girl (27f) just before the pandemic. She was an international student from China.

We met up a lot over a period of 6-7 months. Nothing was ever made exclusive – we didn’t even kiss. (at least, not on the lips) I guess we both were comfortable taking our time.

Then the pandemic hit and the country went into lockdown. She was a 2 hour journey away.I never realised that the last time I saw her.. that it was going to be the last time. I’d fully intended on asking to make things “official” the next time we met up and try to go in for a kiss.

We never saw each other again. Her student visa expired a few months into lockdown. She didn’t speak to me for about 6 months. Hadn’t even told me that she’d left. (Which she later apologised for) She’s spoken to me on and off since then over the past two years, but it’s been very scattered. She has (or has at least *had*) a boyfriend during that time. She recently unfriended me on WeChat but occasionally still talks to me on Instagram.

Meanwhile, 2 years on and… honestly, I just feel utterly heartbroken still.

It was only 2-3 days ago I started crying, thinking about her. I miss her so much. It’s this deep, awful, frantic feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know we weren’t “official”, but… I have genuinely never felt a connection with someone like that before. It usually takes me months and months to get to know someone, even just as friends. But with her, I just felt comfortable instantly. It was as if we’d known each other for years. By the second date, we were comfortable napping together.

I don’t know if it’s because I never got to say bye to her, but I am still nowhere near being over her. I got absolutely zero closure whatsoever. No chance to say bye. I feel as if the universe has cheated me out of something that could have been amazing.

I’ve tried finding people since, but… it just isn’t the same. Nobody has the same warmth that I felt from her. Nobody has the same smile.

The idea of never seeing her again is just eating away at me.

The fact that I have no idea how she’s doing for months at a time is unbearable. A few months ago, she got hit by a car while she was riding her bike. I didn’t know until about 5-6 weeks after. She could have died, and I’d never have known.

Is it normal that I feel this way? Why can’t I get over her? I hate this so much.