Hi all,
Over the last 5 years I have created a habit of turning inward entirely and focusing on myself and my life’s goals after my first ever breakup.
This worked miracles for me as I was able to accomplish things beyond my wildest dreams with my practice of focus and relentless determination. During that time I naturally lost all interest in sex, relationships, or any of the “extra” things to in life and really kept myself to what I know I will always have in life: myself.
I have basically remained single over those last 5 years and when I did re-emerge in the dating scene it was for non-commitment hook ups. That is until I’ve met my now partner.
I have been with her for a year now and honestly…shit has hit the fan in my personal life. Big and bad. For her things are going really well and I’m happy for her. But on my end we’re talking about permanent life altering changes that have stripped me raw.
Naturally I immediately felt my body do what I do best and I shut off and turned completely inward. I have no sex drive, I have no desire, I have no lust. All of my feelings and efforts are directed towards my life and my mission.
The problem is…I’m currently long distance with my gf…and while my brain is telling me to break up with her and cut losses with my old life I simply don’t FEEL like doing that?
I’m at a bit of a loss really. I don’t even know where to start with this issue. Maybe someone can point me in a general direction?
TL;DR I only focus on myself when life goes wrong, now I have zero interest in sex nor my relationship. We are long distance. I don’t want to lose her but I need to fix myself…
3 comments
i have been similar in the past. this is probably not the answer you want to hear, but i *recommend* you do ALL of the below:
a) check in to therapy. life is tough, but you can find more enjoyable coping mechanisms.
b) be honest about your situation with your partner, and lastly
c) don’t take the choice away from your partner. you wouldn’t be doing her any favors by cutting her off early and in a mysterious manner
that is… unless she’s doing something negative (?)
i hope you can find a way for a partner/relationship to be a source of strength during hard times, rather than a source of potential resentment
Great scenario for getting to a therapist! You can literally go in and say you’ve developed this coping mechanism that you feel called to lean back into, but you’re not sure if it’s the right call. A therapist can help you unpack this and other patterns in a really powerful way.
>shit has hit the fan in my personal life. Big and bad. For her things are going really well and I’m happy for her. But on my end we’re talking about permanent life altering changes that have stripped me raw.
It sounds like you only really know one way of dealing with this. In your experience there is something you can do that you KNOW will work, which is dropping everything to focus on yourself and get back “on track,” whatever that means to you. But you’ve never experienced navigating serious life issues with a long-term partner. That is new and unknown and you don’t have any frame of reference for what that might look like. So I think partially what may be influencing you is that you’re retreating to what you know without reaching for this new resource in your life.
I think you could try working with your therapist on realizing you are in a different developmental stage in your life. You were 19 when you started this turning-inwards period. 19-24 is the transition into adulthood. Now you are 24 and headed for the back half of your 20s, which for many people is when the feeling/concept of “adulthood” can really kick in in a different way. Maybe that’s why you don’t feel like cutting losses anymore. It’s easier to cut losses when you’re 19 as opposed to 24. I assume 5 years later you now have more things you’d have to “cut” if you were to truly “cut your losses” and just focus on yourself, this relationship included? That’s good. You grew and changed. Now you’re growing again and realizing the strategy that worked for you as a teen isn’t the strategy that is going to work for you as an adult. Time to learn and grow again, maybe this time alongside your partner.