This is a throwaway account because my husband knows my main one. Also sorry for the grammar as Im not a native english speaker.
My now husband (M29) and I (F27) were in a LDR for about 5 years. He visited me twice before the pandemic. He was really sweet, gentle and I couldn’t wish for more. During that time, I was very busy with my studies and he was busy with his apprenticeship. We were very supportive of each other. When I graduated, he convinced me to study his language (to be able to marry in his country) instead of me enrolling in a review center to take the board exam. I did exactly that and thankfully I was able to pass the language exam.
Fast forward to 2022, I flew to his country last month and we got married. I dont know if Im feeling homesick or I’m starting to question my decisions. When I got here, the first week he was nice but after we got married, he started to be distant. He is always on his computer and he would just play video games during his free time. He works MWF in their office and TTH at home. When he has to work in the office, I wake up at 4am to prepare his food but he would always leave without bringing the food I packed for him and would just claim that he forgot. Whatever I cook, he has something to say against it. Too less salt, too much salt. Not enough meat, too much rice. Literally always complaining about whatever I try to prepare.
He used to tell me I love you every single day but now he rarely says I love you anymore. I have to force him, else I would just be left hanging. I have to force him to kiss me or spend some time with me. He told me I’m way too clingy for him and always pushes me away when I try to come near him or ask for some time together.
In those five years of us being in LDR, I dont know if I just created an image of him. I never thought he would act the same way he does now. I am so confused. I never imagined I’d start questioning the very same thing I used to pray for and since I went here to marry him after I graduated, I dont have any savings so I can’t just leave or run away. I dont know anyone here, I dont even speak their language fluently. I feel so alone.
TLDR: I married someone not knowing who he really is and now I have nowhere to go.
18 comments
> I dont have any savings so I can’t just leave or run away. I dont know anyone here, I dont even speak their language fluently. I feel so alone.
Have you any family that could loan you money to leave / run away?
Sorry to hear about your situation.
He may be struggling adapting to you being there full time and the changes. You forcing him to kiss you and say I love you will just drive him further. I sympathise with you entirely though, being in a different country and dependent is a hellish experience even in the best circumstance so I do feel he should be doing better by you.
My suggestion would be give him space, as much as it’ll suck and then after a few days/week, approach him to talk about it. If you were LDR I feel your communication would have been good and hopefully you can draw on that here. He may be hesitant to talk if he feels he has no right to cause you moved for him etc but get him to. Worst case relationship coucelling
He def sounds overwhelmed and I hope it’s just that and not he’s different long term in person
I’m so sorry, this sounds like such a tough situation to be in.
Have you been able to get a job? Or is this an option in the near future?
Also, is there a group nearby for people from your home country? Reaching out to them could help you feel less alone.
Also, do you have any family members who could help you move back to your home country and start over? Just in case things don’t improve.
Go home.
This is why people do not recommend going from LDR directly to living together.
I really don’t have any serious advice but one thing you could do to make things easier on yourself is to stop cooking for him. If he doesn’t like your food, fine, he can make himself what he wants to eat. Waking up at 4am? Stop it.
Never been married myself so not too sure I’m the best to give advice here, though simply put you can try to talk to him to sort this out or get a divorce. Do you have family/friends from your home country that you can call for assistance in getting back? I hope that you get the aid you seek in some form or another.
You didn’t even know him before you married him. Who someone is in a LDR is not who they are in real life. Go home.
What are you getting out of this marriage? Sounds like nothing. Do you have family that will loan you money to move home? You need to get out of this marriage.
Now you know who he really is – would you marry him today?
He baited and switched on you. But it’s ok bc now you know this is who he is.
Now, first of all. Don’t get pregnant. Are you on birth control? Get on it. Talk to a friend or a relative you trust. It’s ok to ask for help, and I bet you can find someone that can help you and will do so, gladly.
Ask for a loan, reach out to your embassy, ask for help so you can go to your home country. It is ok to accept that this marriage is not ok and not what you need or deserve. Ok? Big hug
Even though you’ve been together for 5 years, you can’t possibly truly know a person until you live with them, for some time. Now you know, and unfortunately, you’re married. This is who he is: it’s just such a shame that you didn’t realise it until now.
Is there any way you can go back to your home country? Can you borrow the money from family? Because that’s what I’d do in your position.
You knew your husband and were in a relationship with him for five years, and you only met twice? Unfortunately none of this is surprising. You need to get divorced and go home.
>In those five years of us being in LDR, I dont know if I just created an image of him.
No, **he created an image of him** so that you’d marry him and live in his house making his food, doing his chores, and having sex with him on demand.
He lured you in with a fake persona and trapped you, and was able to do that because you never really knew him in-person, or lived with him before marriage, to verify that he was a good life partner. Unfortunately, his plan has succeeded.
You may not be able to leave right now, but you can make plans. Get in contact with anyone back home you think may be able to help, no matter how embarrassing it might feel – being embarrassed temporarily is better than being imprisoned forever.
Sounds like you met someone on one of the Cupid sites, and I’m positive I know which one because I did the same damn thing.
The truth is that an LDR where you haven’t had ample in-person time before shacking up doesn’t give you any idea of what real life together is like, even if you’ve had a few visits.
If you can’t go back home, you need to start building your own life and gaining independence. Work on creating a social circle of your own to take the focus off your failing relationship and give yourself something to look forward to. Meet up with other foreigners. There are likely English meetups/language exchanges in your area if you’re in a decent sized city. Look at Instagram tags for your area if you need to and start making local friends. Bumble also has a best friends side for making friends (not dating).
If you don’t have any friends or family that can help you, you can go to the US embassy in the country you’re in and beg for help. Tell them you are trapped in an abusive relationship and need to get home.
I think that a long distance relationship was easy for him. He talked to you, got off the phone or computer and went back to his solitary life.
He has only just realized that he doesn’t enjoy living with anyone or having a wife.
This probably has nothing to do with you or how lovable you are.
I would address it directly with him. Tell him he seems unhappy to have you there and ask him what should be done about it. You say you have no money of your own that you can use to leave. But if he is truly unhappy living with you he can financially contribute to things that will help you go.
I also think you should look for associations that have people from your home country. If you plan to stay in your new country there may be people from your homeland that will help you become settled.
Do you have friends or family who could afford to get you a flight home?