Husband is emotional abuser – how should I proceed with divorce and protect myself and kids?

My husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive for most of the 12 years we’ve been together. We have children and live in NC, where divorce law states that you must split assets evenly during divorce if requested by the spouse. Over the course of our relationship, my husband has been under employed for six years, voluntarily unemployed for over five of them under the guise of being a stay at home dad (though the kids have been in full time daycare during most of this time), and recently went back to work. I’ve been employed full time the entire time and am fortunate enough that my industry pays well. I pay all of our expenses and have since mid-2015. When he returned to work this year, I asked him to contribute a quarter to a third of his income to the principal on our mortgage. We agreed last year that his future income would go fully to either mortgage principal or purchasing land. My request was met with anger and mockery. I’m spoiled and selfish for asking him for money when I make as much as I do compared to what he earns, he wouldn’t mind contributing if it weren’t for the fact that I over-spend on groceries (I do all the grocery shopping and have for years because he refuses to, and I purchase healthy and inexpensive foods for our family to eat), and the excuses and insanity went on and on. I assume he wants to save his money for an expensive toy like a bike or motorcycle, while I continue to manage all of our costs of living.

The rest of the story isn’t surprising: he had an emotional affair when one of our children was an infant, I handle the majority of childcare and chores (he handles outdoor tasks and car maintenance, which he holds against me when I ask for participation in daily tasks), and he frequently yells at the kids/corrects them/controls their physical activity (eg, “be careful,” “you’re going to get hurt,” “stop that,” “I told you not to run on the concrete,” while depriving them of emotional and psychological support) and yells at me/calls me names in front of them. Yesterday he called me a fucking asshole in front of our toddler and elementary aged child because I said that instead of me buying him a new car outright, which he has been obsessing over for the last couple of weeks, he should pay for it himself now that he has income. I was willing to buy a car but his demands became intense and over the top – more expensive cars, and now instead of a few months from now when I actually have the money for it. I am beyond the point of being surprised that he expects that I’ll cover the cost of a car while he saves his own money for whatever he wishes, without contributing otherwise to our household expenses. It is in line with his irrational and unkind behavior and demands over the years. Last night he also slammed the front door violently on his way out, loomed over me while I sat on the couch and told me this wasn’t the worst he could do when I told him to stop trying to intimidate me, and didn’t participate in evening childcare as punishment. I frequently handle bedtime alone because he’s mad at me for something and am always responsible for getting everyone ready and out of the house when we have somewhere to be. The kids are afraid of him, but love him (or want him to love them – they shine when he is positive and attentive).

He’s moved out temporarily three times in as many years, and I’ve pathetically welcomed him back – in one case hopeful that he would change, but most recently just resigned to it all. He’s been in therapy many times but seems to convince them that I’m the problem, or maybe they see that he is the problem and try to meet him where he is – I don’t know. I know this is typical for abusive men, that individual or couples therapy is ineffective. Thank He threatens to sue me for half of our home value if we divorce, and the two divorce lawyers I’ve spoken to have verified that emotional abuse isn’t considered a reason for a spouse to not receive half of all marital assets. This would lead to me having to sell our home and instability for the kids. There are very few available rentals in our area, which is a problem both for him and for me should we split. One time he stayed in a cheap monthly Airbnb and another time with a family friend when we’ve separated previously. We live close to my mom and dad, who have been an amazing support to me through the years and see him for what he is (he’s been abusive toward them before as well), so I don’t want to move from the area.

I’m meeting with a therapist each week and thinking that it is time to call a divorce lawyer again to get things rolling. I guess my question is – does anyone have advice on how to move forward and protect myself and my children financially and emotionally? I am scared of his cruelty during this process, scared of him getting partial custody and then me not being able to protect them while they’re in his care, and also of trying to prove that his emotional abuse is destructive enough to prevent him from getting any custody at all. Scared of my kids hating me for that should I be able to keep them safe with me.

Thanks for listening and offering any advice. I am ashamed for putting my kids through what they have already gone through with this constant chaos and drama, and I want to make the right long-term decision for their health and well-being. It has felt in the past like keeping everyone together, including him, was smartest so I could protect them, but I obviously can’t protect them while we all live under the same roof.