Does anyone else feel like they get with the first people who give them any affection or attention, because it feels like you’ll never get it again from someone else? I’ve realised I never really consider whether I like the other person but because I have enjoyed receiving their attention and my time with them, regardless of how shitty they might be in communicating and might not even care about me, I still find myself attached to them, continuously trying to make it work. I came across a lot of content recently about how people who didn’t have a lot of romantic encounters growing up, felt unlovable and undesirable and so when they date in their 20s, they’re in this sort of ‘scarcity mindset’ where if someone is giving them any attention and validation, they hold on to it regardless of how bad it might be.
What do you all think?
8 comments
I was literally gonna post about this sort of thing. Frankly, as someone who isn’t swiped on a lot, and doesn’t have a large social circle, I find it hard to understand how I *wouldn’t* have a scarcity mindset. Dates *are literally scarce* in my life. And I’m certainly not regarded unfavorably as far as looks go. I’ve had a lot of women IRL compliment me.
I may not be a 10 but it’s hard to comprehend why dating is such a lackluster thing in my life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve screwed up a lot with women that were clearly interested in me. But even then, I have maybe 3 chances every year. Otherwise it’s a whole lot of – why the eff is this so hard.
Sorry this is long, but this is a deep topic for me.
Definitely dated people I wasn’t compatible with when I was in HS (meaning we had nothing more in common than “you’re cute”… “yeah.”), think I’m over it now.
The reason why I think I got over it was because I got all the shit (racist, generally told I was ugly, told I didn’t matter compared to others, ect.) was in middle school and then I followed the advice of a guy in middle school PE class when I got to HS. He said that if I let my hair out and dress better (basically not wearing a hide-my-body hoodie anymore from all the shitty comments I always got), more stylishly, that people would be “all over me” it made me feel so good (so good that, yes, I remember every word). You would think I would be offended, but what he said was that I was perfect the way I was, I just needed to clean up. That kind of fixed me. I was able to really look at myself and go “wear that tighter shirt, you *can* pull it off.”
Unfortunately for others I was just so unbelievably lucky to have someone tell me how it is while showing me kindness, someone I trusted basically clicking me off and back on to make me a sort-of functioning person, others don’t have the luxury.
Then we get to this post: the dating. In HS I’d pretty much take anyone who wanted me, which were a decent amount of people (and popular people in school, which was some sort of kinda-dumb status symbol), but it all doesn’t matter when you have my taste: absolutely none at all. Looks never even mattered to me anyways (my brain literally cannot perceive attractiveness on a scale), but I still made choices based on ‘does this person like me’. It was made even worse when I got rejected by someone that I, for the first time, liked *first*. To this day I feel hurt by that and attribute it to being a ‘me’ problem when it literally was not! (We talked and liked each other, but I moved too fast and was awkward. Justified. Aaaand patting myself on the back. I got the hot guy, I just fucked it up 😎… sometimes you have to just take the win y’all.)
Am I fixed now? I think so! After having such mediocre dating and being near people I didn’t really *like* I stopped just accepting random confessions and stopped asking people out who I knew liked me without thinking about who they really are.
What really helps is having friends give you that validation that you subtly need, that attention. It keeps your head on straight (and I’m not talking about friends. I’m talking about *best* friends, the group, the squad, the legitimate ride or die). Basically having social interactions and keeping consistent friendships will teach your brain that you’re not hopeless, they’ll teach you that you’re likable! (And I am not someone who really easily makes friends. I’m awkward and have mental conditions that make me say things others may find strange. The reason I have my best friend is because she was a part of the old middle school group (and the only one not calling me an ugly pos with a crap lazy eye) and we got close asf in highschool. Recently I’ve clicked with people on social media and have online friends that genuinely mean something to me (reciprocated). I’d recommend online spaces for awkward people because you have the gift of things like editing and also don’t have the anxiety of being in front of someone!)
Freshly divorced single dad in my early 30s, and it’s good you’re recognizing this trend in yourself. Honestly, seeking validation and attention from other people is setting yourself up for bad relationships. It doesn’t always turn out this way, but people can pick up on that aspect of yourself. And unfortunately, abusers are going to look for people with that kind of insecurity. It happened that way to me at least. You’ve really gotta learn to love yourself and be confident in who you are. Don’t look for someone to “complete” you. Look for someone who “complements” you, or makes you a better person. Good luck.
There was a study done a while back that states how infrequently men especially don’t get compliments and how it affects their mental health negatively.
I tried since reading that to just be more positive to everyone around me and have received the same positive response back. I think people are very guarded and complimenting someone could be a moment of vulnerability – what if they don’t say anything nice back etc. I’ve detached that part of the interaction, generally giving positive (not physical appearance comments) to people.
Thank you for all you do, thank you for being kind, I noticed you’re very considerate, etc etc. I liked that comment you made about () etc.
I feel like I’m this situation right now. I’m 22 and I’m just now starting to have some sort of a first relationship and tbh its been pretty casual and I’m not sure if we’re a great match but also I really desperately wanna make it work cuz who knows if it’ll be another 22 years until another girl glances in my general direction.
I think I am growing out of my scarcity mindset at last. It just takes a handful of bad dates in a row to tell you that you are better off going on a good date every three months than a bad date every few weeks
for me it’s kind of not scarcity but like everything falls out in some way or another. for reference, i went on like 20+ dates and had 4 partners (1 being long distance relationship) and i’m 18 yo as of rn.
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out of the 4 partners, only one relationship was dissolved peacefully. last three were because of some kind of drama. for every date, there’s like 30 noshows. as in date didn’t happen at all.
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out of the date i’ve been, 2 were merely one night stands. so nothing out of it other than sex. others were rejection and me being turned off by something.
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out of the 4 gfs, only one relationship was healthy. all three had problems.
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so it’s a constant uphill battle for me every time i’m in the world of dating. do i simply choose bad people for myself or i just have bad luck? i don’t fucking know. i have honestly kind of retired because i have no will these days. some people struggle with even getting a date then they try to witchhunt me because “i have girls all around me” (yeah, i wish i would have mate). but then again, c’est la vie. or i just say that to shift responsibility that it may be my problem. i do not know and honestly at this point, i do not want to bother.
I can definitely see how people could come to this conclusion, it makes total sense. I would assume that not all of those that go though this scenario develope this mindset. It has to be a “it depends on the individual” situation.