My bf is 28 and I’m 27. We’ve been dating for about 5 months and I’m worried we don’t have sex enough.
For background when we first started dating (before we became official) he would sext me all the time and we’d get pretty heated so I always kinda assumed he would have a higher libido (like I do) since it seemed he was almost always horny. Now that we’ve been together we have sex MAYBE 1x a week. To add more perspective he does work a really labor intensive job so he is usually very physically exhausted.
I’ve brought it up once before and he says he’s just always very tired and if he wasn’t he would definitely be all over me, more often. (He also tells me that it’s not me, he thinks I’m sexy and loves having sex with me.) I can accept that he is tired but I’m just afraid this is a bad sign that our sex life might always suffer the consequences of his job. We’ve been together a short time and we just don’t get to do it as often as I would like.
To add to it, I know he watches porn almost everyday. I’m aware that porn is different and takes a lot less effort etc etc but it just has recently started bothering me because I don’t feel fulfilled with our sex life and I know he’s getting the job done by himself. Lately I just feel a little worried that porn might do it for him just as well so the sex isn’t that important, but it’s important to me.
17 comments
>To add to it, I know he watches porn almost everyday
That’s the problem. He has you focused on stamina while he’s getting off on two dimensional representations of women.
He made his choice. Now you need to make your choice.
“I know he watches porn almost everyday”
He’s invest all his sexual energy and is able to bust loads for a computer screen but can’t bust loads in you. That’s your problem. Porn is fine if it doesn’t replace you sex life. Every day means he definitely has sexual energy and isn’t “tired”. You’re just not getting the sexual energy.
It’s the porn. Soon as I read the last part.
He’s wasting sexual energy on self pleasure rather than spending that energy on you.
Been there myself. I recognized the issue. It’s fixable. Bring this up him.
Some women here seem to think that having a hand means that you have the energy to do whatever. I’ll go on record and say that the notion is false. Moving your hand is in no way as arduous as normal sex. He’s horny, his actions say he’s horny, and having sex on off days is fairly common for couples. You can and should ask him if he’d be willing to be active one day during the week and one off day if that feels better for you. No guarantees, but scheduling like that helps the “it can wait till tomorrow” syndrome that so commonly happens in life. Putting up artificial due dates for whatever reason helps humans be productive in that way. That’d be my suggestion.
Sex once per week is OK if that matches both partners needs. However the fact that he watches porn everyday is a red flag. Sounds like he is addicted to porn. Especially that he is choosing it everyday over his gf who is up for some fun. Talk to him, suggest a therapist. If he doenst see the problem, you have your answer, you deserve better.
Watching porn and having daily sex is a bad combo. Gonna kill his desire cuz he is already getting dopamine from the porn.
Its hard to quit to, many are addicted.
You’ve only been dating for five months. You can try to work on this issue but if it doesn’t dramatically improve, do you really want to deal with this on a long term basis? I think I would move on if he doesn’t see a problem or there isn’t dramatic improvement. I think it’s only likely to get worse, but I wish you the best of luck.
Do you guys live together?
When does he watch his porn? Is there a way, you can watch together and let it lead you into lovemaking? Then gradually wean him off the porn until it’s just you and him making your own porn (doesn’t mean filming it). Clearly his libido is strong enough.
As you mentioned MB is easier and less physically demanding and he has a physical job. When he’s tired just make out and oral on each other. When he’s got a little more energy, have him sit (or lay) back and relax while you do the work. Maybe tie him up so he just has to lie there. Believe me he will rise to the occasion. On the weekends or if he’s had a lighter day have him do all the work. If you can, “drain” him everyday one way or another, he won’t have it in him to MB anymore and you’ll be getting all you want.
Porn can mess things up. He would be much hornier if he wasn’t jerking it daily.
I would also be concerned. I’m in my 30s but I do something sexual with my wife almost every day. But I know that’s probably not the norm. If you have a high sex drive and he doesn’t it will probably be an issue. I think sex is one of the most important pieces of a relationship. Without it things always go sideways. Obviously there’s a lot to a relationship but you know what I mean. No sex = feeling unwanted = resentful perhaps.. etc.
Porn is horrible for relationships
If I can say from experience. It is the porn. I used to say the same thing, I’m just tired, I’m not in the mood. But I too watched porn every day and my sex life dove into the ground because of it. When I say, not two days after not busting my own load to some lame ass videos. I mean 2 days. My libedo was up, I felt happier, and more attracted to my girlfriend. I was never having fantasies about other women or having doubts about my relationship. It’s just an unconscious this the mind does when you watch porn. It makes the things that are right infront of you hard to see. I wish its as easy as just telling him this, but idk how good it would be coming from you. I suggest maybe trying to have deeper conversations with him. Start talking about eachothers inner thoughts, and feelings. Things you never talk to anyone about. And when you and him are deep in a pleasantly exploration conversation, bring this up. Tell him you looked into “seven retention” I know this may sound incredibly dense or maybe even crazy, but its actually a pretty studied subject. I wish you the best of luck, and pray that you two can find that sexual spark again. Especially with as much effort as it seems you put in to try and make him happy. Guys don’t realize when it’s right infront of them that that’s all we want. To feel desired by our S/O but when we use porn to make us get that desire, It makes us a little blind.
Ok so you only have been with this dude a few months, I can just imagine what your life would be in a year. Do yourself a favor and dump him, you will do just fine without him and he would be fine with his porn. NEXT!!
You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
Hold off moving in with him. Don’t commit to someone that can’t even give you himself. You share him with porn. I don’t mind Porn,but it can be really disastrous to relationships.
State your boundaries.
And yes, it’s a bad sign.
Porn addiction is rough. Either he controls it and satisfies you or your sexually incompatible in which case better to call it 5 months in then 1 year.
Yea it’s the porn it’s hard to let it go .
Porn addiction is a very real and very serious problem. But it can be fixed with hard work and dedication. It’s good to talk about it soon, because that kind of thing can spiral out of control really quickly.