TW: SA
Me (18f) bf (20M), to begin with I’d like to state I have a past of being sexually abused as a child which he is fully aware of, I still struggle with sexual activities because of it including: nudes, oral, sex, foreplay and everything else involving sex.
My boyfriend is fully aware of these things, he used to be extremely supportive and tell me how I shouldn’t do things that make me uncomfortable, so I didn’t. I would communicate to him how I didn’t feel like doing things and he’d understand.
Nudes: Recently we were on the phone and I sent him a surprise nude. After I said I was going to get up and start my day, but he wanted more. I told him no I sent what I was comfortable with sending and that’s it, he guilt tripped me by saying “Well I don’t care if you see my body why should you” I like to have control over my body as much as possible. But I caved and gave him what he wanted so he wouldn’t be mad.
Sex: We stayed at a hotel together, he would beg me to have sex with him even when I was in pain from it prior. I would say no but he wouldn’t quit putting himself against me at times. Or wouldn’t or his clothes on when I asked..
Oral: sometimes he would beg me to give him head even if I didn’t feel up to it, he says things like “well you promised a week ago” or “well I give it to you”.
There has been times where I don’t want to FaceTime him and he accused me of not wanting to see his face, that I think he’s ugly, and that he’d never say that to me.
He’s been calling me names, bitch, and anything he can think of. He got mad at me for wanting to sleep with my mom instead of on the phone with him while he was drunk.
Cussed me out for saying I don’t really want to drink like he does and it’s weird his mom bought him whiskey at 15.
It feels like an endless cycle. What do I say or do?
TL;DR, boyfriend thinks I should always give him what he wants and gets mad when I don’t
Edit: I wanted to clarify I’m not being physically abused, threatened, I’m not being forced to stay with him, and I feel safe. I just wanted to let everyone who reads this know that I am not in danger. Thank you all for every bit of advice I’ve received already, it has been very helpful❤️
39 comments
he clearly doesn’t respect you and that’s one of the key factors in a relationship you need to rethink this relationship it’s toxic
I say he’s manipulative as fuck and you know that and you need to leave.
Seeking demands, especially sexual ones for gratification, should never be done in a relationship. It seems like there’s no trust nor respect output on his side; if you said no to something, he should have respected that and ended the convo. If he’s calling you names and disrespecting you because he’s not getting what he wants, then you should rethink about the entire relationship and actually be with someone who values you, your body, and your emotional well-being.
Your boyfriend is abusive, manipulative and coerces and guilts you into sex knowing your past.
Dump him
I truly agree, I’ve been rethinking it a lot recently. I hate feeling this way, anytime I try to communicate how I feel or how things should be different he starts an argument. I just want to be respected.
Break up with him
He’s trying to manipulate you, stretching your boundaries.
Please be careful.
There are people who start to argument whenever someone tries to talk to them. Those people can be exhausting.
Don’t let him argue about it.
You tell him how you feel and that you don’t want certain things.
No need to talk about it further. He has to take it; talking back won’t change your feelings, and if he tries, try to shut him down.
Your wellbeing isn’t up for debate.
Your boyfriend is abusing you, knowing full well what he is doing & how it’s affecting you.
I hate to say it but he knows your past trauma & he’s exploiting it. Dump him.
Please find a better BF!!
Abusers are always kind in the beginning. This is who he really is. Run.
This is still assault. I’ve been in a similar position. I’m happy to talk about it if you want to DM me. I was dating him when I was 18 too, we broke up after 5 years. I should have done it sooner. Get out. He won’t change.
First, you need to learn to respect your own “no.” If you don’t believe yourself when you say no, abusive people won’t either. Next, you need to dump this guy. He’s verbally, sexually, and emotionally abusing you. Don’t waste your time collecting more trauma from hom.
When Narcissists know your deepest most traumatic stuff, they pretend to be supportive and then weaponise it against you and use that information to abuse you in the same way your abusers did. This person is no different to those who previously hurt you. Get rid of him or this will be your life.
As someone who has been exactly where you are now a few years ago, I wholeheartedly beg you to go. I wish I did as soon as I started noticing what was happening, don’t put yourself through this, you will probably have to put up with the consequences for years to come if you don’t.
Obviously I can only speak from personal experiences, but reading your post really just triggered every traumatic memory in me so please take this warning seriously.
He knows about your trauma and still chooses, repeatedly, to cross your boundaries. You say in your comments you tried to talk to him about this and he still continues to pressure you into things you don’t want. Don’t make up excuses for him at this point,like “he doesn’t know how much it hurts me, he doesn’t mean to, maybe it’s my fault for not loving him enough – there simply is none for what he’s doing. It is still SA.
At this point there is no way to deny it any longer, he doesn’t care about you or your feelings at all. He doesn’t love you, even though he might try and fool you into believing he does on other occasions by being overly attentive, very sweet talking and presumably caring – abusers are good at this.
They are also good at isolating you, like you said “I feel like he is everything I have.”
He’s not. He manipulates you to feel dependent on him, so you cater to his every wish, so you won’t leave.
Once he notices things won’t always go his way anymore, but you’ll stay, he might very well become violent in the future.
No matter how much you want this to work (you said at one point you could’ve imagined this relationship for the rest of your life) you are never going to fix this, outbalance this, fix him. Because there is nothing to be fixed. He doesn’t do this things because he doesn’t know better or whatever made up reason you could think of. He uses you, he violates your boundaries simply for the reason that he can. And that he wants to.
Please leave. Also in doing so please make sure to SAFELY leave. Contact your family or friends beforehand. Make sure you have somewhere to go before breaking it on him (if you are living with him and have to move out that is)
Block him on everthing straight away and
tell everyone he is a manipulating human being, so that no one even considers giving your details away in the future.
You are still young, you will get over this and you will find someone who truly loves you and cares about you and who would never even dream about violsting your feelings like this.
Please don’t throw your mental health, physical wellbeing and your future in general away for domeone who doesn’t give a sh*t about how you are feeling.
I wish you all the best. Feel free to reach out if you have the need to talk about this.
He is extremely manipulative.
“If you loved me, you would …” is one of the most manipulative phrases, and I’d bet money he has said that to you.
If you’re already seeing a psychologist for help healing from child SA, I’d encourage you to talk to them, and they will help you with the tools to recognize what he is doing and recognize why (in your current injured state) you are more susceptible to sexual manipulation and pressure from someone you love.
Healing from childhood SA isn’t just dealing with the trauma. There’s also a whole heap of ways that it messed up the way you evaluate healthy relationships, and you need to protect yourself while you’re on the journey of developing those skills and healing the damage that was done to you.
Love feels good. It’s not like this.
A completely abusive relationship. Run, baby, run. You are going through the same thing as before. And he does not support you and does not understand your feelings. And the word “no” must be understood. This is your body – your business. Take care!
>>It feels like an endless cycle. What do I say or do?
Dump the motherfucker already. If it’s gotten to the point that you’re submitting to sex in order to keep him happy, when that’s not what you want, what is there to hang on to? He clearly doesn’t care about you or your feelings. If he did, he would understand that “No” is a complete sentence.
It sounds like you’re looking for a way to continue this relationship. You’re not in a relationship. That would require both partners to respect each other’s boundaries.
I don’t what to call what you have, but it’s not going to end in your eventual happiness. No, you’re on a path to eventual separation. This boy doesn’t care about you, no matter how much he says he does. Love shouldn’t hurt and it doesn’t require one partner to submit to things he or she doesn’t want to do, just to avoid an argument or hurt feelings. You’re being abused. Move on.
Like others have said, leave him. He’s not respecting your boundaries which is disgusting after he’s been made aware of your past abuse. He’s also being emotionally manipulative and playing the victim himself which is pathetic.
Sadly quite often abusers home in on people who’ve been abused before as they see them as weak and ripe for further abuse in future.
It also sounds like he’s got a problem with drinking which is only going to exacerbate things in future and could cause escalation to violence if his sexual advances are spurned when he’s totally smashed.
Just leave the relationship. It’s as simple as that. You’re too young to be bogged down by this toxic relationship and it just gets worse later on. Too many red flags here 1) Not willing to take no for answer 2) Forceful sex 3) Berating you 4) Cursing at you.
The relationship isn’t worth your health or self-esteem. It sounds like he’s just using you for his own self-fulfilment rather than caring about you. Sex isn’t love. Coercion isn’t love. Manipulation isn’t love. Whiskey at 15 is rather weird.
You’ll just be hurting yourself if you stay in this relationship.
This person is not a caring partner who acknowledges and respects your boundaries. This is a bunch of reasons to leave. Drinking can make a person do things they may normally say no to doing. You not wanting to drink is perfectly fine. Don’t allow him to push you into doing things you don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable with for any reason.
Listen to all the adults here and leave, when you will be older you’ll thank yourself. The sooner the better.
Really wish I read the tldr before hand major red flags and minorly rapey
You immediately dump him.
This is not boyfriend you want to keep. This dude is vile. He also has A LOT of growing up to do.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. If he doesn’t respect you now what makes you think he’s gonna respect you further down the line?
>It feels like an endless cycle.
Thats because it is. It will get worse, too.
>What do I say or do?
You need to get him out of your life.
Sexual coercion is rape. He’s raping you.
It’s time to build a safety plan and leave.
You leave this abusive relationship NOW. That’s all you do.
Step 1: buy some running shoes
Step 2: FUCKING RUN. RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN. RUN FAST AND RUN HARD. PREFERABLY MILES AWAY FROM HIM.
This behavior will continue to get worse as he is manipulating you into sex and being another person who adds on to your trauma. It must be scary for you. You must find someone of comfort to confess this to and then find a way to just break up with him. You don’t need to be around or deal with someone you don’t want to be apart of. Your happiness comes first, a relationship should be an extension of that happiness and peace; he isn’t giving you any of that; he is making you UNCOMFORTABLE and pressuring you to do things you don’t like, knowing that you don’t wanna do them.
Sounds like you guys aren’t sexual compatible. Consider talking to him about it. Also if you really do make promises to do something sexual later, stop making promises. If he doesn’t respect your wishes, then it’s time to pull the plug and also Consider seeing a therapist.
He sounds manipulative and not a good long term partner, find someone that respects you and your boundaries. Best of Luck!
He’s young, he’s selfish, he wants the relationship for WHAT YOU GIVE HIM; not for WHO YOU ARE.
The kid needs to learn he’s not entitled to anything from you just because you’re his GF.
Please say goodbye. This is not the behavior of someone who loves you unconditionally. No one should have to perform things they aren’t comfortable with to get love. You deserve better.
Ma’am you are young. Run as far away as you can. It will not get better. He’s not worth it if he’s acting like this.
My ex was like this. It doesn’t get better and you deserve better.
I understand all of the comments encouraging you to leave, but I also understand that it’s not always that easy. I’ve had two similar experiences:
1. My first proper boyfriend tried to have sex with me while I was sleeping, it was never something we discussed or I consented to and I woke up to him trying to put himself inside me. I knew in that moment that I should’ve walked away, but I didn’t, he blamed what he did on being hit as a child and I felt too guilty to leave. I couldn’t sleep with him without having a panic attack, slept fully clothed because I was scared to be naked next to him, and it manifested in me staying for an extra year with someone who violated my body and caused me multiple issues down the road for trusting people sexually.
2. I was seeing a guy for a year who started off as just being into rough sex, after some time that turned into him being physically abusive, what he would call ‘rapeplay’, verbally abusing me, but if I spoke out of turn and told him no, he would just say it was all fun and sexual and that I was being over dramatic. I was blind to the point where I couldn’t truly see what he was doing to me until friends got involved.
My advice is even if you’re attached to someone, even if you love them, this behaviour only ever gets worse. Please protect yourself from a cycle of abuse and harm while you can, and with everything you can, listen to that voice that is telling you to get out. You sound like a switched on, smart person who has been through enough already.
Something common among people who’ve been sexually abused is feeling worthless, and entering negative relationships because of their self worth.
You are worth more than this. You deserve to have a fufilling relationship and enjoyable, fully consensual sex. You deserve respect.
End it. Let no man call you names. Let no man pressure you into sex for his love – that’s not what love looks like.
Also, I think you need to heal before entering another relationship. Despite what media says, it can take girls a long while to mature and even desire sex (I didn’t until I was 22) even without sexual trauma.
Oh, sweetheart. You deserve so much better than this. He seems incredibly manipulative and abusive. I know that as a survivor of SA it is incredibly difficult to realise what is normal and what isn’t in a relationship. Please take this relationship as a learning experience and leave. You should never feel forced or guilted into having sex. No partner that truly cares about you and loves you would even try. In fact, if he truly understood your story and cared, he’d feel absolutely delighted you were comfortable enough to just take one nude for him.
You know that he’s a POS and you’re still debating if you should break up or not?
Dude.
You leave.
This is a lot of gaslighting and even though he’s young, this is also 100% grooming.
He doesn’t want a partner. He wants a sex slave. And he’s an alcoholic.
Get. Out.