For context, I have been with my boyfriend for nine months. I have a pretty high body count. However, before him, I took a lot of time to myself that year to go through therapy and seek help because of experiences with past people that gave me trauma. More specifically, I was involved with two people much older than me when I was still a minor and the relationships were very toxic. I have borderline personality disorder and for a long time I saw seeking out sex with people that were bad for me as a form of self harm, and something I did when I was impulsive and would feel upset or guilt about later. Additionally, the summer before I met him I was assaulted, so sex was off the table for me. Moral of the story, I have had a complicated history with sex, and going into my relationship with him I was really proud of the progress I made in no longer using sex as a negative outlet, and getting over my trauma.
When I met him and we got to know each other, I told him about my relationship history and being assaulted, as well as the work I did to work on my trauma. And when he inquired about my body count I answered his questions. He seemed to be fine with it and proud of the progress I made. However, after we had sex for the first time things seemed to take a turn.
My boyfriend and I share similar views on hook up culture and sex now. I realized hook up culture just isn’t for me due to my experiences and my assault. Before meeting him I had done a lot of work to make sure the next person I did it with was someone I really cared for. However, obviously that wasn’t always my view on it. This is where the issues began. He says that despite how I went to therapy, that my old experiences are incredibly concerning. For a long time after we would have sex, I’d be bombarded with questions afterwards, making sure I wasn’t comparing, that I wasn’t thinking about anyone else, etc. I have always been patient with his needs for reassurance, but this far into our relationship I am getting concerned. He will ask me multiple times a week “I’m the best you’ve been with right?” “You won’t ever hook up with anyone else right?” or when I suggest trying something new he will ask if I’ve done it with anyone else. He will frequently ask if I enjoyed anything in the past, and the one time I said I didn’t hate every single sexual experience I’ve had, he kinda freaked out on me. Saying he was disappointed, hurt, etc. Sometimes in our discussions I’m left re-explaining multiple times my complicated prior relationship with sex, how much he helped me be comfortable with sex again, how he’s the best and how much I want to do everything with him. It just hurts because I’ve been explaining all of this for months now and there are still times where I feel like he doesn’t understand, that traumatizing experiences I had were almost my fault, and that I need to apologize for my experiences. He claims that isn’t his intention with these discussions, but I can’t help but feeling like my past is a huge stain on our relationship.
It’s worth noting, that he has made a lot of progress. He went to therapy for awhile, and has been working hard to move on from stuff. But a lot of the things that worry me about this situation still stand for the most part. Things I said a month into our relationship about the past that he didn’t like are still brought up at times and I apologize, him saying he doesn’t feel special sometimes when we have sex because of my past.
He says he feels worried and insecure about sex because I am his first but I’ve had experience with sex before him, so I don’t want to rush or put a timeline on his healing. He acknowledges it’s a catch 22, it’s nothing I did directly , it’s just that he has his own issues. I love my boyfriend so much, and honestly I don’t know what to do. He’s made a lot of progress and our relationship is so wonderful. I really don’t mind giving reassurance. I guess my question is how should I better help him? Is this something that I should be really worried about?
TL;DR My boyfriend feels insecure because of my sexual past, and it’s weighing on me. I don’t know how to help him
46 comments
Oof. Stop apologizing to him when you havent committed an offense against him. You’re both putting the responsibility onto you when you apologize and constantly reassure him when its *him* that needs to be doing the work. I think a very firm boundary should be created in which he doesnt ask for this reassurance from you anymore and if he does, you say something like “we’ve agreed not to have this conversation anymore” bc its obviously not actually helping him. Its only feeding his cycle of behavior.
Realistically, if he hasnt moved past this by now, he’s probably not going to. Its likely that the two of you have created a way of interacting with each other and it will be very difficult to break out of. You should consider what your expectations are, including a set timeframe, and stick to them bc you should not be made to feel the way you’re feeling in this relationship. Its like he doesnt see you as a whole complete person with a right to have had a life before him and your traumas are not your fault. He should be your biggest supporter (other than a therapist), not the one beating you over the head with them.
>He says that despite how I went to therapy, that my old experiences are incredibly concerning. For a long time after we would have sex, I’d be bombarded with questions afterwards, making sure I wasn’t comparing, that I wasn’t thinking about anyone else, etc. I have always been patient with his needs for reassurance, but this far into our relationship I am getting concerned. He will ask me multiple times a week “I’m the best you’ve been with right?” “You won’t ever hook up with anyone else right?” or when I suggest trying something new he will ask if I’ve done it with anyone else. He will frequently ask if I enjoyed anything in the past, and the one time I said I didn’t hate every single sexual experience I’ve had, he kinda freaked out on me. Saying he was disappointed, hurt, etc. Sometimes in our discussions I’m left re-explaining multiple times my complicated prior relationship with sex, how much he helped me be comfortable with sex again, how he’s the best and how much I want to do everything with him. It just hurts because I’ve been explaining all of this for months now and there are still times where I feel like he doesn’t understand, that traumatizing experiences I had were almost my fault, and that I need to apologize for my experiences. He claims that isn’t his intention with these discussions, but I can’t help but feeling like my past is a huge stain on our relationship.
Oooof. I honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with this, because it sounds utterly exhausting. The more I read, the worse it got, but this section… Christ on a bike. Is the rest of the relationship so amazing that it makes up for this toxic nonsense?!
There isn’t anything you can say or do already. This is entirely his problem to work on and move past… But what is it going to take for that to happen?
You can’t take back anything you did then and your attitude has changed to the point where you’d never behave like that again, so what is he clinging on to?
Either he accepts that your past is your past and he stops trying to live there too with the endless sexual interrogations, or you move on, because this is not sustainable.
ETA. This much bullshit and misery after NINE MONTHS? What are you doing to yourself?
This guy is nuts, that’s the long and short of it. He has *deep* issues surrounding women, purity, and sex. He’s never going to get over this shit while he’s dating someone.
None of this is your fault. None of this is *your problem*. You can’t fix him. He has to want to be better.
You may feel like this is a good relationship because your past experiences have been so traumatic, but I’m here to tell you it’s not.
He blames and shames you for having a sexual history, like every other adult human on the face of the earth. He demands constant reassurance that he’s the best you’ve ever been with. He constantly drags up and relitigates old arguments. And he blames you for your own traumas.
This guy is trash. He’s terrible. Take it from me, an old lady with 29 years of happy marriage under her belt: you can do so much better than this. Don’t worry about helping him; think about how to help yourself by getting out of this relationship.
Look into the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can find copies for free available online. It’s about the behavior of abusive men in relationships. See if you recognize your boyfriend in them, particularly the parts about jealousy. I think it will help open your eyes to what’s really going on.
I stopped halfway through.
This isn’t a *you* problem. This is a *him* problem.
You’ve done the right thing by sharing yourself with him fully. You came into this being honest and upfront. He’s so incredibly insecure it’s painful to read, which is why I stopped….
Girl… you’re putting up with *a lot* here. If he doesn’t cut this shit out you need to do it for him and gtfo. You deserve better.
This is exhausting. This isn’t about you or your past, this is his anxiety and insecurity. Please stop explaining and reassuring him, it only serves to continue the loop of anxious thoughts > reassurance seeking behaviors. Encourage him to seek out professional therapy again and consider if this relationship is meeting your needs.
It’s not weighing on you because of you, it’s weighing on you because he’s hanging it around your neck and you’re trying to tolerate it instead of putting your foot down and demanding that he get his shit together and stop hanging it around your neck.
Your previous sexual & romantic history….is none of his business.
Lady. No. What. The. Hell. My boyfriend is 21, he has slept with people before me. Do I care? No. Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE BEFORE ME. Its almost as if he’s acting like you cheated on him. Your past is not your fault and NONE of his business.
You’ve done the work you need to do on yourself to be a healthy partner in a relationship. He clearly hasn’t, and needs to.
I’d tell him the topic of my sexual history is 100% closed, and if he needs to talk to someone about it and his insecurity around it, he needs a therapist.
He should appreciate all the work you’ve done to be able to be vulnerable with him and tell him about your past and to trust him to share sexual experiences with you after having people take advantage of your trust.
Instead, he’s choosing to make you feel bad for things you can’t change and weren’t your fault that HE takes issue with.
I don’t think he’s a very good person.
Sounds EXACTLY like my abusive ex. I also have BPD, you probably got a lot of empathy and like to see the best in him yeah? And he takes advantage of that and flips everything to be your fault and you just take it because you see the best in him?
Run like the wind and do not look back.
I wish I could tell you tell this nine months: don’t put up with this. Don’t do this. Don’t answer questions about, “I’m the best right?” Or “were you thinking about someone else” or any of that.
Look I’ve never been one for hook ups or one night stands. But fuck if I’m going to go around telling people there’s any correlation between the number of people you’ve slept with and whether or not you’re a good person or a good partner. I’ve seen plenty of sanctimonious douchebags cheat on their spouse even if they were virgins going into the wedding.
With this guy and (hopefully) future partners, you will never be able to change who you are and what your life has been. You can tell them, I regret bad decisions. But it’s not your job to apologize to your current partners for things that happened before you ever knew them.
When he asks you questions, just say, I’m not going to answer that and don’t ask me again. And then repeat it as many times as he keeps asking.
He isn’t being fair to you. You told him your past because he asked, you were honest, and he keeps wanting to relitigate it. I would ask him what he wants. Does he want you to have had fewer partners? Hard to do without a time machine and you should kill Hitler first (basic temporal etiquette). Does he want you to apologize for your actions before you started dating him? Does he want you to lie? Does he want you too busy feeling bad about this so you don’t realize he is a crap boyfriend?
What if you declared you were done talking about your sexual past? “I am done talking about that. Let’s concentrate on the future, not the past.”
I think, given your history, you need to be *especially* wary of partners who press you for personal/sensitive information, only to turn around and use what they learn as a weapon against you.
I don’t particularly care if he’s doing it “on purpose” or not – the effect on you is the same. You cannot feel emotionally safe in this relationship anymore. And *your* progress is threatened when he demands that you spend precious energy dealing with *his* baggage in addition to your own. That’s not fair, and you know it.
What you do is find someone less judgmental and more secure. The interrogation after sex is hella awkward and weird, and his obsession with your former partners/experience is weird.
Ditch this guy. You’ll feel better mentally, emotionally and sexually.
Oh jesus girl get out, you deserve so much better. You don’t need to apologize for your past sexual history EVER. He’s not going to change, he’s insecure and he’s putting you at fault for that.
How can you ever heal from your past and enjoy sex, when he has thrown MORE BAGGAGE onto your sex life? You are so so young, you should be enjoying yourself – either being single or in a relationship. This all sounds like such a bummer.
This seems fairly common among young men. He *could* have self-image issues and needs you to tell him over and over he’s the one for you. But he might have women issues, where he treats them not as people, but as objects for his own desire. And if that object is tainted by other men, he needs to know HE is the only man object-you ever think about. And that YOU feel really bad and sorry you were ever with ANYONE ELSE but him.
You should ask him, if you break up, and he has another girlfriend, will he tell her that she is the best he’s ever been with? What if you were actually better in bed? Why does that even matter if you are with someone who you love?
I’m not sure how your relationship can be “so wonderful” if your bf is interrogating you every time you have sex. This sounds exhausting and heartbreaking. You opened up to him about your past (including assault/trauma) and he’s using that personal information to shame you and ruin your intimate experiences together. Do NOT apologize for your past – as it has NOTHING to do with him. Think about that. You are apologizing to him for things you did to harm yourself before you even knew him! Even if you had a high body count for no other reason than you liked sex before you met him – it’s not his business and you shouldn’t apologize.
It really sounds like you two may be incompatible due to his insecurities about you not being a nun before you met him. You should really consider how happy you’ll be in this relationship going forward, because he sounds unlikely to get past his own insecurities long enough to stop hurting you.
>He will frequently ask if I enjoyed anything in the past, and the one time I said I didn’t hate every single sexual experience I’ve had, he kinda freaked out on me. Saying he was disappointed, hurt, etc.
Jesus. This guy would prefer that you had only had negative sexual experiences before him? He would rather you had been assaulted, coerced, or mentally unwell, rather than having had emotionally healthy sexual intimacy with others?
I’m really sorry but the way he’s behaving is not acceptable, and not healthy for you. These are things he needs to deal with on his own, so he doesn’t inflict it on others.
Please, save yourself the additional trauma: he’s going to guilt you to hell and back if you say no to performing a sexual act with him that you’ve done with someone else.
A lot of the comments here are really on point imo– this is just another type of abuse. Please hold onto that progress you’ve made and allow it to empower you to find someone who doesn’t look at you and see how many people you’ve slept with.
Stop apologizing to him when you did absolutely nothing wrong. You didn’t wrong him. Stop apologizing and coddling his feelings.
Congratulations on doing the hard work for personal development with going to therapy and working through your issues.
Your boyfriend is immature and incredibly insecure. What you described getting questioned and the things he says sounds utterly exhausting. I would not put up with this at all.
As someone with PTSD from sexual trauma and from being a domestic violence survivor, this shit would re-traumitize me and ruin my trust and affection for someone. They’re taking your experiences, your growth, and your pain, and making it so much about them that you’re actually reliving it for them to make THEM feel better.
That’s fucked up.
He’s not going to drop it. At this point, its become a competition for him in an incredibly unhealthy way. Besides shaming YOU for it, he is also basically making you compare him to people that harmed you and wanting to hear how much better than them that he is.
Once more, that is fucked up.
Stop explaining things to him or coddling his feelings. He’s an adult. You had a life before him where you experienced a lot of things. It is not on you to feel bad for surviving and coping with things that happened to you because of partners or mental illness.
It is on him to make you feel safe, protected, and loved no matter your past. Or, as I like to say, that you are perfectly imperfect. Right now, he’s just treating you as imperfect.
You can’t help him. This is his issue, not yours. You have done nothing to feel guilty or insecure about. In the future, all anyone is entitled (?) to know is that you are not a virgin. You can tell them about your assault if you want to explain some of your reactions, but you absolutely do not, and should not, talk about intimate details of what sexual acts you did with other people or how many people you had sex with. Anyone who asks those questions is insecure and you should just move on because they will judge and harass you and make you feel like you did something wrong because of their hang-ups (like what you are getting now).
Anytime I see women younger than me (honestly ANY of you, but especially younger) being mistreated by these crusty ass boys I want to just come shake you then hug you and give you a margarita.
Not. Worth. It. Someone will treat you well with no conditions and if not, learn to love being single. It’s honestly fantastic and taught me what boundaries to set for a healthy relationship which I now have.
Sounds like a huge fucking dork
I’m sorry but this guy is BAD NEWS.
You’ve done so much work for yourself to figure out what makes you feel happy and healthy. This guy is not that.
A “high body count” isn’t even a thing. Why does he care more if you had sex 1000 times with one guy or once each with 1000 guys? As long as you are monogamous with him and don’t have any STIs or anything, it’s not his concern.
Regardless of whether he’s intending to manipulate you, he’s messing you up by making you apologize for things that aren’t things you need to apologize for. He’s making you feel guilty and like you did something wrong when you absolutely didn’t.
Also, he’s probably not gonna be the best you’ve had. Lots of people are with partners who aren’t. That’s literally completely normal. He is a ball of toxic masculinity.
Dump him! Find someone who is worth you.
It sounds like you’ve done the work, but your bf hasn’t.
You’ve made too much progress emotionally and mentally to let this guy drag you down
Nah, honey. The problems are not yours, they are his. He needs to seek out therapy.
A change of perspective can do wonders. I had a bf who had gotten very lucky with the ladies and it felt like an ego boost he chose me as the one to commit to.
I have also had similar insecurities in the past.
It is up to him to work through them and find an alternative to projecting his insecurity on you…. Most people feel that way at some time, but it is exhausting having to deal with it daily.
STOP APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR PAST. ITS YOURS, NO ONE ELSES.
YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO COPE WITH COMING TO TERMS WITH IT YOURSELF. HOW DARE HE ADD TO IT.
IM SO ANNOYED FOR YOU. HE SHOULD BE YOUR SUPPORT NOT YOUR ACCUSER.
HE IS A SELF CENTERED, EGOSTICAL MAN WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM. HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIS PRECIOUS EGO. AND HE’S MANAGED TO GET YOU TO MASSAGE THAT BY TELLING HIM HE’S THE BEST YOU EVER HAD.
GO AND TAKE ANOTHER YEAR AWAY SO YOU CAN SORT YOURSELF OUT WITH THERAPY ETC. IF YOU DON’T YOU WILL NEVER FEEL CONTENT.
GOOD LUCK.
This isn’t an issue about your body count. This is on him.
Even if you were an angelic saint that had one or two serious partners before him, he will continue to ask and concern himself over the two that came before and what you did with them.
I think you dealt with it because you felt he was justified due to your past, but your past has nothing to do with his insecurity and controlling behaviour.
Good luck OP!
Tak this to your therapist. It’s time to unpack why you are apologizing to a man who doesn’t deserve an apology. You do not need to apologize to this man for your sexual history, all of which happened before you ever met him!
He didn’t have sex before you? Well boo fucking hoo.
Your relationship isn’t working. If a high body counts is his bottom line so be it. That’s fair. But he should make a decision on whether he’ll stay or not instead of keeping you in limbo.
Bf is insecure and childish. I would suggest couples counseling and boundaries before getting intimate again with him. “ u will not ask me 100 questions after we are intimate” etc. he sounds immature and judgemental. The kind partner who will cheat on op then gaslight her into thinking her past “ body count” made him do it. That it’s unfair she got more experience than him etc.
My ex wife has bpd as well and told me her body count, it was high double digits if not into triple. My count at that time was maybe 5. My take on it was always what you did in the past is not my business unless you want it to be, and that as long as her number didn’t go up while we were together unless otherwise agreed upon that it didn’t bother me.
People with BPD are more likely to be in an abusive relationship. It’s not okay for him to keep interrogating you and then using that information against you. Don’t ask the question, if you don’t want the answer. I have BPD also and hypersexuality is a common trait. I’m glad you’re getting the therapy you need and continuing to heal and grow. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
People need to stop asking the body count of their partners. It seems to lead to tons of strife.
You can’t. This has led to ending every relationship I’ve had with a man who felt insecure bc he felt like my sexual history somehow centered him.
You are more than your sexual life.
“I told you about my history because I wanted to be honest with you. But every time you bring it up, you’re re-traumatizing me, making me feel judged, dirty, and like I’ll never be good enough for you. You’ve got to stop hurting me with things that happened before I ever knew you existed.”
I read a really great quote and I think it fits this situation perfectly: Women are not rehabilitation centers. I repeat, women are NOT rehabilitation centers.
No matter what you think, you are NOT responsible for fixing him. He is emotionally immature for this relationship and at this rate, all future relationships. The older he gets the higher probability will be that the woman he dates will have had a sexual relationship multiple men and that number of men will generally get higher the older he gets.
Sure you may stay with him to “fix him” and he may be fixed at the end of it all but I guarantee, the price you will pay will be your sanity, your self worth, your self esteem, everything you had will be stripped away. And the reason that is is because while you were trying to be there for him, he will be tearing you down with his words.
Can you not see that he is already doing that?!! His actions and words have literally got you questioning whether the fact that you were assaulted was your fault after only 9 months of dating!!! Do you know how crazy that sounds?!?
He may not be a bad person and he may not be trying to purposely hurt but that doesn’t negate the fact that he is. Break up and move on.
You shouldn’t be apologizing about your past abuse or sexual experiences. I understand you’re both young but he needs to accept that you’ve changed (with a lot of hard work I’d imagine, congrats on realizing you needed therapy so young, I mean it. Many people would go into their 30-40’s before seeking help) and are not the person he seems to think you are.
I understand at his age he’s probably insecure but he shouldn’t be making you feel bad for growing and overcoming abuse. I don’t know you or your BF obviously but I truly hope he can get over your past or I fear the worst. You’re doing nothing wrong. As far as what you can say to him…it doesn’t sound like much is going in his head so far. You should be very proud of your progress (as you are) and maybe you can sit down and talk about what issues he has and you can explain that that was a different person, you’ve been to therapy, you’ve been assaulted and did the work to deal with your trauma. He should be applauding you for your efforts but I understand he’s still young.
I really hope you 2 can work it out as someone’s past sexual history shouldn’t be used against them, especially when they’ve been assaulted, done all the work you’ve done and managed to come out on the right side. All I can think of is to sit down with him and talk it out. I wish you all the best, I truly do. I hope your BF doesn’t end up pushing you away because of his insecurities. You sound like you love each other and 22 yr old guys can be very insecure but at some point he needs to figure out if he can appreciate the you that’s here and now, the present you. You can’t help what happened and have no reason to apologize…it’s just his ego and insecurities.
my advice is to dump him and then remove the term ‘body count’ from your vocabulary.
he clearly isn’t in a position to be in a relationship, and calling your past sexual experiences ‘body count’ frames it as something to be ashamed of when it’s just your lived experience.
if he’s uncomfortable with your sexual history, he’s more than allowed to break up with you. but what he’s currently doing is NOT okay, and i personally wouldn’t be putting up with it.
i mean this in the absolute nicest way, but i’m pretty sure when you look back on this guy, you’ll lump him in with the types of guys you were around before *you* took the turn you did. it might not be physical abuse, but the amount of ick red flags i got from reading this.. like, if this dude was good for you, he wouldn’t be making you feel like this, and he sure as shit wouldn’t have waited to have sex with you to start pulling this shit. i don’t want to outright call it abusive without knowing the full picture, but from what you’ve described, he **is** mistreating you.
He is not a good partner for you at this stage in his life. If I asked my wife if I was the best sex she’d ever had after each time, she’d leave me.
You should consider letting him go and letting him grow.
Stop apologizing to him and coddling him.
And he’s making this about him yet these were your own experiences/traumas. He’s hindering your own healing journey with his negativity and insecurities. And he is already weaponizing your history against you.
This may feel like a good relationship because your past ones were traumatic on a whole another level, but this is another form of a toxic relationship than can easily turn abusive. Major psychological warfare and passive aggression is present in this relationship.
Perhaps he’s just an insecure fellow and not doing this out malice. See how things go when you tell him your sexual history is 100% closed down for conversation and see if he is willing to seek professional help. This should determine your decision to continue a relationship with him or not, especially when respecting your boundaries.
Enforce your boundaries strongly and make no exceptions. This is him problem, not a you problem. If he is unwilling to accept your past then he has no place to be in your future when he’s dragging you down in the present.
Ohh this can be a huge problem .. I
Opened my mouth and mentioned my past sexual history in a relationship and man it was always a comparison issue. Looking back I would never put up with the nonsense of others insecurities. Good luck !