Context I’m F28 and we’ve been together for about two years. Lived together for 1 year, we just recently moved to be closer to my family and friends. Before I lived with him in his hometown but we literally never hung out with anyone / his family rarely reached out to us to do anything.
Families extremely important to me, also I want to have kids within the next 3 years. My boyfriend’s always been a bit all over the place when it comes to jobs, self employed at times, working others. Now that we’ve moved he’s been unemployed and having a mid life crisis I think. I should just quickly mention I’ve been the sole financial supporter(rent, bills, food, everything) also for the last 6 months while he’s been self employed, now unemployed.
We’d talked about and agreed when we first started dating that we wanted a family and kids, but as time went on I got the feeling it wasn’t that important to him. All he talks about is fishing and starting a small business he can live off of.
I brought it up tonight and I’m just confused. Basically started out by saying he doesn’t even think about marriage or kids at this point in his life. Also he can’t see living permanently in the area we are at because the fishing isn’t at the same level as where he lived before. He alluded to that he doesn’t want kids because then he’ll be stuck at whatever 9-5 he’s working at for his entire life. He didn’t outright say it but it was heavily implied.
Lastly he told me he wouldn’t get married if he had to do all this ‘woke’ shit like his sister is doing. For reference she’s not having a religious ceremony / no dad walk down the aisle. Idk even why he told me this.
I’m just at a loss right now, I feel like he’s having a midlife crisis but I also don’t want to waste my life. Is this a deal breaker?
Tldr, is this a dealbreaker between my boyfriend and I
13 comments
Whether it’s a dealbreaker or not will be up to you, but it’s certainly not looking good.
It looks an awful lot like he told you what he thought you wanted to hear and had no intention of following through on marriage or kids. It’s possible he changed his mind, but a good partner would have updated you as they were going through those thoughts.
Is it a deal breaker for you? Literally no stranger on the internet can tell you that. Sounds like a lot of incompatibilities though.
Yikes, looks like he wants his traditional cake and to eat it too — he wants a “non-woke” traditional religious marriage, but also wants a wife who can support him (in the fishing lifestyle that he’s used to), and doesn’t want kids. You don’t have to stay with him if his “midlife crisis” is taking him farther away from where you want to be.
If you absolutely want kids, yeah, it’s a deal breaker. But the only person who can answer that is you. People rarely change their minds about this sort of thing.
He sounds unreliable and not interested in the life you want. Do you think that even if you had kids you could rely on this guy?
Yes, it probably is a dealbreaker. You want kids soon, he is wishy washy AT BEST.
I (28M) am in the same situation with my (29F) GF. Been together two years and living together for one. She’s a vet, and has given me the same vibes and told me many similiar things. I feel what you’re going through. I have no idea how I can break up with her as there are many good things between us. But I think if she has a kid she will resent it. She’s said that could happen. And she’ll resent me for it, and we will be miserable. I think you and I both know what we have to do.. Heart breaks for you, take care
>Is this a deal breaker?
Yes.
You and he are on different planets, and moving farther apart.
The situation doesn’t sound stable enough for marriage and kids. If you’re on a three-year timetable, I don’t see any of it happening, so I’m thinking you need to pull up stakes and move on.
Why would he want to marry you and have kids? I’m not trying to be unkind, but consider it from the view of a selfish AH (which is what he sound like)…. you are already supporting him while he doesn’t work and only has to focus on his fishing, he gets fed, housed, sex, etc, life sounds pretty sweet for him tbh. How does adding marriage and kids benefit him at all? He’s already getting the benefits of a wife without any responsibilites or extra work?
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I would revevalute. You deserve someone excited to be with you, who contributes equally to your household and partnership.
Yeah, you should leave immediately. He’s still finding himself. He might become ambitious, serious and a good earner later in life but it’s not now. Time is ticking for you and he’s not father material. This is a dead end and your goal of having a family is in danger.
You wanting to have a family and him not being so into it are both totally valid positions. Hopefully you can have a peaceful breakup without animosity.
Don’t try to pressure him to become someone he’s not. You’ll end up married to someone depressed and resentful. Then your kids will absorb that from their father and boom – you got messed up kids.
Adorable. A misogynist who sponges off his girlfriend and complains that the fishing where he lives now is no good.
The faster you leave him, the faster you’ll find a man who’s actually excited to be on your team.
Sounds to me like he’s panicking because he doesn’t like where he’s at in life, and the road to getting where he *would* like to be seems impossible. Honestly, he seems unhappy with himself and that’s coming out as him taking it out on you i.e. if you get married and have kids, then he’ll be forced to find a job like everyone else, an idea that he’s probably resisting because he “wants to be free” (and he sees you as the one who’ll be tying him down).
It would certainly fit in with his adversity to marriage, his placing so much importance on fishing suddenly, and the typical “I want to start a business” dream that many have when they feel like regular employment is “being below someone”.
>he told me he wouldn’t get married if he had to do all this ‘woke’ shit like his sister is doing
This is a distraction. The fishing is also a distraction. As is the small business, if he hasn’t done anything to get it off the ground. Don’t argue distractions, argue the core of the issue, which is the fact that he isn’t pulling his weight as a partner and is making *you* lose time off *your* plans.
You need to sit him down and ask him point blank what his plans are. When is he planning to get a job and keep it? I’m sure that if he actually started behaving like a responsible adult instead of falling back on you, his midlife crisis would end much sooner. But yeah, he needs to want that himself.
Sounds like you already have a 30 year old son tbh
It sounds like he isn’t mature enough for adult life, never mind parenthood. I would seriously refrain from procreating with him – you’d have all of the financial burden, + all children related chores, and I guess most of the housework, while also accommodating a whining adult baby who “wanna go fishing NOW! Wanna! Wanna!!!”