You guys are married and I am sure you have lot of experience.
I am very happy with my fiancée and going to get marry soon. He is some time harsh and I am okay with it. No one is perfect.
He told me he never married since he never want to divorce . He is 51.One time he said he could kill me but will not divorce me. He was kidding. Now we just joke a lot about same subject like one of us will kill and one of us will end up in prison. But will never divorce.
My friend told me it’s red flag and he is controlling person because of what he said.
Is this real red flag? Can we take it seriously if someone joke like that?
Any advice
Thanks for advance
28 comments
this is a blood red flag
Can you elaborate on what you mean by him being harsh, but you are OK with it?
Idk if say bright red flag
why do you think about red flag or divorce in advance? make life easier not to think negative anyway. wish a good luck.
He wasn’t kidding. He will abuse you and possibly someday kill you. These are bigger than red flags, this is a warning you ignore at your peril. No one who loves you will ever “kid” about killing you. He will only get worse after the wedding. Choose very, very carefully.
Eh… I can see both sides here. Red flag because he seems to be the type to get easily angered and takes it out on you. My ex was like that- but he would physically take things out on me.
How long have y’all been together?
I can also see joking innocently because some couples joke around about hitting, smacking or murder and they are literally joking and very happy/stable- some just have a messed up sense of humor (honestly I can have a darker sense of humor as well although I never joked about that and as a domestic survivor, I don’t joke about hitting or anything- but I have friends who do and even got a Facebook jail sentence once for making that type of joke to her husband)
I’d consider it a red flag because he gets mad at other people but takes it out on you, otherwise I’d have to hear the context of the jokes to know if I considered it a red flag.
Idk he’s probably joking but I would be scared to marry someone that was 51 years old and took divorce so seriously. Its so common nowadays. Tell him not to joke like that anymore and see his response.
Your friend sounds like she’s projecting some personal trauma. Since no one else knows your relationship as intimately as you do, it’s up to YOU to decide if it’s a red flag or not.
If it’s a joke to you guys, then that’s what it is. If you feel unsafe, then you feel unsafe and should take steps to get to a safe place.
It’s pretty straightforward. Don’t worry about what others say, even if it’s seemingly coming from a good place.
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🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩these flags are NOT for a carnival…
He sounds dreadful tbh. Why are you with him?
R. U. N.
😬
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
There is a reason why it’s called red flag…
My husband and I joke like this all the time! I will also jokingly say I’m going to beat him, if he is being annoying, or teasing me. In turn, he jokes that he’s going to slap my face or choke me, or lock me in my room.( I have a mediation room in one of our extra bedrooms) We both have a strange sort of humor, and are mean to each other for fun. As along as you are both comfortable with it, and you know it’s joking around, I wouldn’t worry.
How is what he is saying a joke it sounds to me he is saying what his intentions are if you ever try to divorce him but in a joking way but normal people do not have them kind of jokes
Op, how old are you? Is there a significant age difference?
I think it depends on the context, I also told my then boyfriend now husband that I would never divorce him so if he was going to marry me he had to be 100% sure as the only way out would be for one of us to bury the other under the patio… It all depends on your sense of humour.
Cant really say anything. Would need way more context.
The whole “going to kill each other” jokes really aren’t a big deal if joking around about that stuff is normal for you guys.. not something my wife and I would do.. but it isn’t the end of the world either.
Getting upset when someone puts onions on your food is also pretty common.. I don’t eat onions.. so if they get put on my food it literally ruins the whole meal for me.. so I definitely understand getting pissed about that as well.. as long as he doesn’t get violent or take it out on you I don’t think it’s a big deal.
I don’t really think any of this is a serious red flag.. as long as you are both comfortable with the joking around.. don’t let Reddit tell you it’s a problem.
The people on this sub are miserable for the most part and they want you to be miserable with them.. most of them default to divorce/leaving a partner no matter what the red flag.. listen to your gut.. not these miserable people.
Yes that is concerning but without the context and timing of the comment how can anyone honestly judge the comment or intension.
I think you shouldn’t be discussing anything about your marriage with friends or family because they can be bias in their advice and it can make them against him or you in their minds. A third party professional would be best advice to take and to vent to.
Your friends don’t live your life or know both sides but you sharing that with a friend just put a negative impression about your husband and yourself. It’s best to talk to a marriage therapist or church counselor about concerns.
Was your intent to show them the crappy things your husband says to u in hopes of a sympathetic response and turn friends against him making for an uncomfortable situation when gathering together? That’s why I say an uninvolved third party professional is best for this. Us here we don’t know you but still without intension or context our responses could just confuse you more.
But you came on here asking the question. Why did you need to ask? I’m afraid you already know the answer.
Thats mental
I’m pretty sure you should be able to tell the difference between your fiancé telling a joke and being serious. If you can’t, maybe that is the red flag.
Why are you marrying this guy?
How old are you?
He doesn’t sound like a good person, more like someone who will become abusive once you’re married.
You said he is harsh with you at times. Love doesn’t do this. He needs to first show he can treat you with decency and respect before you go any further with him.
Let him know how this makes you feel. Verbal abuse is still abuse and you should not tolerate it. Talks about killing you in a joking manner is never good. Love doesn’t do this.
There is a reason he is 51 and has never married. Ask if he would see a marriage counselor with you before you marry him. Even if he doesn’t, you should and tell them what you have said happens with him.
As for me, my wife and I have been married well over 30 years and never once have we nor do we joke about harming, nor killing one another. Not to mention there is nothing funny about this.
Well. Just think he is 51 and still not married. Guess why. Run.
Don’t marry. I waited till 39. I had doubts and red flags but ignored them. Now I’m 42 and desperately want a divorce but settled financially so it’s tough. Marriage is so overrated. Happily married people will chastise me for my opinion but I’m all about being transparent.
Lots of posts with marital concerns, call it off