Just some back information first :
My (36F) husband (31M) have been together for 9 years. I have a daughter (12F) from another marriage that we have half of the time, and my current husband and I have a son (5M) together. Our son has level 2 autism and needs support. I am his person. Meaning that I communicate with his teachers, BHP (behavioral health professionals, so his 1:1) , doctors, case manager etc. I basically do everything for him. He’s usually always attached at the hip to me.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has been very mean to me in the past while blacked out drunk, and I’ve asked him many times to quit. He’s been offered many supports. He’s also bipolar. We have fought a lot in the last couple of years, mainly over his drinking and behavior. He doesn’t have great insight and is accusatory toward me when I point out something he’s doing. He has also left our child at school because he overslept (he works nights) and so just didn’t get up.. I had to leave work 4 hours early to get our son , and this has happened a couple times. I suggested counseling last year but told him he needed to get the ball rolling because his lack of initiative is one of my biggest problems with our relationship. He made an appointment after several weeks, and then ghosted me at the appointment and later said it wasn’t his fault because he was busy. He then found another counselor and we went twice, and then he never made another follow up appointment. He did stop drinking completely for a couple of months, but then slowly started hiding it (mainly drinking in the shower after work). And then claimed he wasn’t hiding it when I found beer cans.
Fast forward to today.. we’re in Iceland on a vacation, and last night he downed 8 beers at the hotel bar. I asked him to please be done after that because we were already arguing. He agreed. He then went downstairs to get something and while he was there, he bought a double shot of whiskey. What he didn’t remember was that we had set up notifications on our debit cards for each transaction so we could keep track of what we’re spending in USD in real time. When I asked him about the drink he got very defensive and told me I was being nasty and he refused to apologize and said he did nothing wrong.
I’m at a loss here. I just don’t think he cares to address his behavior or addiction even though we have the resources (we’re both nurses, we know how to access proper healthcare and have good insurance, not to mention I’ve given him names and numbers etc). I know for certain that if I serve him divorce papers, he will fight me so hard in court for custody of our 5yo son , and if he even got 50/50, it would ruin our child. Courts here in Maine are awful with this stuff, and I’m terrified that a judge wouldn’t understand how important it is for autistic kids to keep their routines and have them near their “person” consistently.
I guess I’m looking for advice:
Do I try to fix this with my husband ?
What else can I do?
Does anyone here have experience with a similar situation and want to share how you navigated it??
5 comments
Start documenting his alcohol abuse. Contact an attorney and find out your legal rights.
HE needs to want to change, your wanting him will not change anything.
All else fails take you and your son and move to a different state
Unfortunately you can’t make him stop. Alcoholics typically won’t stop until they hit rock bottom, losing their job, their family, their home and car–even their freedom (i.e., jail). There’s a support group for family members of alcoholics at /r/AlAnon plus the organization has chapters all around the world.
Is it truly better for your son to have alcoholic dad as his caretaker? Is it safe? I was the son of an alcoholic mom and it was dangerous for us kids because she was so violent. Fortunately, she joined AA and stayed sober all the way to her death. But you are living with it. Document his alcoholism including amounts and what he’s done and have the discussion with an attorney. Whatever you’re thinking now is only conjecture. And maybe you can show him a rock bottom that causes him to finally stop.
He won’t go to counseling because he knows he’ll have to change and he has no intention of doing so.. He won’t change until there are consequences.
Has he ever been formally diagnosed as bipolar? How do you know he actually is?
As far as him fighting “so hard” in court, I doubt that it would ever get that far. You would probably go through mediation, everything about his mental state and drinking will come out, his lawyer will advise him strongly to negotiate in good faith, and most likely he will end up with supervised visitation due to both your son’s condition and his own. If he’s stupid enough to go to ask to have his case heard in family court, not only will he not gain custody, but will probably end up paying your court expenses once the failed arbitration is introduced and the reasons for it, and any contact with your son will be conditional to him complying with a court ordered alcohol treatment program and evaluation by a mental health professional.
I have no real advice except to document everything.. other than that I am so sorry you are going through this.