My wife and I have been married for about 18 months. She’s very close to her parents and now really want to move closer to them or “back home” as she calls it. I like her parents, but I have no interest in moving there. We met on this side of the state, so I assumed she wanted to live here. She grew up in the Flint, MI area, and there aren’t nearly as many job opportunities over there.
I’m living in what is basically my dream house after looking for many years, I finally got a really great job back in June after suffering with a crappy one for years, and my parents are nearby. I also really like the area.
I get that it’s a little unfair that I’m closer to my parents than she is, but hers are only a 2-hour car ride away and she visits them quite often. We both have great jobs now, so it’s hard for me to think about giving it all up.
Am I being selfish here?
9 comments
Two hours isn’t that far, seems worth it for the other things your are getting out of your current area. Is there any possibility that her parents could move closer to you?
No. If the only reason is that her parents are closer, it is not a good enough reason. She can call, text, FaceTime, or visit her parents. You guys are married and these kinds of decisions are 1, no, 2, yes. It seems like there are a lot of benefits to stay where you are at and no benefits in leaving. I wouldn’t move, personally. And she needs to understand the pros and cons. She’s a grown woman and this decision needs to be made with her head, taking your needs seriously as well.
I agree with the others. There are too many good financial reasons to stay where you are.
It’s a bit extreme, but could your wife spend one weekend (or her days off) at home with her parents a month? 2 hours is a long drive for a day. I’m assuming you are young with no kids yet.
Depends on situation. I moved close to my parents since they don’t have someone else to take care of them. It’s very selfish if I don’t think about them.
She is absolutely right if they don’t have anyone else close by to take care of them.
No you aren’t at all.
Has she thoroughly researched all facets of the funeral business?
It’s been a handful of years or so ago, but I went to school for funeral services. I absolutely loved it. LOVED IT. However…during the latter portion of the program, we had guest speaker visit one of our classes. He was a long time employee of a local funeral home and was invited to our class to provide us with the ins and outs of the business. Obviously, “how much money do you make?” was pretty much the big question we all had. Essentially, according to him,, unless you own your own funeral home, or work at a family owned funeral home, OR have performed all aspects of the job – not strictly conducting funerals & that aspect of things, but also performing the funeral prep duties, which include the embalming process and all other duties to prepare the body for presentation – and continue to perform these aspects of the job as a lifelong career, you don’t make jack shit considering. Once I heard this, I was gutted. Nonetheless, I finished the program, took & passed the state exam, and went on to pursue other courses in education because I was not interested in doing so much for so little for so long.
Perhaps consider passing this on to your wife so that she will gather sufficient info on the subject before she decides to sink herself into it.
I did it and regret it. I think my wife secretly does too. They are good in laws and fun but it didn’t really add much support with the kids and nobody feels closer to each other or see each other all that much more often. It just fucked my career aspects and other social activities. I think it really hurt some aspects given o made a career change.
You’d do better having her parents move closer instead, especially if services for the aging aren’t so good where they are. Start looking for housing for them that have senior-friendly design so they can live independently for as long as possible.
Otherwise one of them will take a fall in ten years and then everybody’s screwed.
Be kind and understanding.
There are two types of people in this world: There are those who move and live in different locations freely and they adapt to wherever they live as their new home. And then there are those who just can’t live anywhere else but “home”–their birthplace. This is why a huge number of people on this planet die less than 10 miles from where they were born. If they do move, these people often are frustrated and yearning to “go home” and they refuse to adapt to and adopt the local customs, foods, activities–and people.
My wife and I have lived in 8 cities in 4 states: Great plains, desert southwest, forested and snowy midwest and the Pacific coast, so I’m talking long distances and big differences. We still plan one last move for retirement to the northwest. We quickly become locals, we attend the festivals, we celebrate the sports teams, we love the foods and we make new friends. We don’t just move willy nilly–we are very particular about each move being the best for us and our family, and we’ve backed away from several other moves. Right now we’re over 1,800 miles from the closest family and we’re cool with it. We have Facetime and phone calls. The key is setting your mind to become a local. I write this while wearing a San Jose Sharks shirt and I sure as hell wasn’t born here.
We’ve also known others who were miserable after moves. I once had a next-door neighbor who ranted for 20 minutes about how terrible everything was and how the people weren’t friendly (even as I was being a friend and it was a very beautiful area). 8 months after buying it, he dumped the house at a loss and skedaddled back to Detroit where everything was so much better. Yeah, that Detroit.
I could tell more tales, but this is a deeply held feeling and there’s no easy compromise for either one of you. Instead, talk about it, talk about how to become a local, talk about what’s best for both of us. And 2 hours is nothing. Try 8 hours on airline or three days of driving.