I (21M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for a year. We love and plans a future together, it all seems to start so well, our family has already supported us too. Things start going south when I realize whenever I state my concern or she makes a mistake, it would usually take 2-3 times until she actually puts in the effort NOT to repeat that same mistake. Whenever I try to discuss my concern, she kept repeating “I love you, please don’t leave me” “I love you” as if those solves problems we’re trying to address. Mind you, I state things in a ‘discussing’ way every time, not accusing her of her mistakes.
She might not have the best childhood, having grown up with only her mom, not having a role model of a dad to learn from. I know sometimes she doesn’t know how to love, and I am being patient about that. I am wiling to put in the effort and be patient about her process, but if mistakes keep repeating; boundaries kept being violated; concern kept being ignored, it just feels like she’s not even putting effort into this. It feels like she is playing dumb every time.
I try to be understanding of her so much, yet she never try to understands me. She comes to my city for university, and hasn’t had a lot of close friends, mental support, or even financial support. I might be wrong in treating her and being too patient, making her a ‘princess’ out of the things I could do; I treat her to things, I try to put as much effort into this relationship, making time for her. If she keeps violating boundaries (which is already compromised to her way), disrespecting me and MUTUAL boundaries set; Keeps repeating the same mistakes; I don’t really know what to do anymore. This surely has high correlation to my first post of her being high maintenance.
tl;dr Girlfriend never address problems, takes 2-3 times to actually try NOT repeat mistakes, keeps disrespecting me and boundaries set. Never compromising anything.
1 comment
This is why I suss this shit out while dating mi amigo. The first time big drama comes up, I’ll chill, wait around, then I’m going to bring it up respectfully, calmly, and directly. If they play dumb, gaslight or play it off, I start to distance myself as a means of enforcing boundaries. I keep the issue at the forefront. If it starts to seem like they’re not going to reciprocate or get it right, then I’m done. Period.
I had some drama where a whole clique of girls misread old texts of mine to an old fling that ended horrendously… because they all kept trying to poke and prod at my boundaries and not a single one thought to ask. I clowned them all by explaining the deeper meaning that had been sitting in their face the entire time. At the moment, I’m down to one mutual friend who is trying to suss me out, and i’ve made it clear to her that I expect the drama in the room to be addressed, and that her antics are emotionally taxing. If she refuses, I plan to ignore her for… well, the rest of my life until we deal with it. It’s *so* exhausting and simply not fucking worth it.
Now, I gave you the above anecdote because the above conflict in my life has engulfed *multiple* people and love interests over *years*. My mother is another woman who can’t accept fault or blame, although she is fairly independent and hard-working, albeit also severely emotionally abusive. To this day I don’t know any combination of words in the english language that can be uttered that will make her care about my opinion if it’s not already what she thinks. The morals of these stories? I’ve never seen anyone really change their stripes even once. The odds aren’t good and the only thing you accomplish in the meantime is, as you’ve said, compromising your own boundaries.
Honestly, sometimes the most kind thing you can do is walk away. It forces them to deal with themselves and their own issues that you’re currently enabling. My first serious girlfriend did when I treated her like shit for far too long. It taught me a lot. You can model what serious boundaries mean and look like right here and right now. A crossed boundary with no consequence is really no boundary at all.