My (F25y) boyfriend (M25y) for 4 years recently asked me for a week’s break (started on 25th July) because he feels I’m trying to control him.
Backstory is that a month ago, I found out he’s close with a female (22y) from his workplace that’s not even working within his department or on his floor.
When confronted about how the closeness began, he claimed that I’m too busy (with work and my music group activities and university lecturing) and does not give him enough attention.
I work in the medical field for 16hr daily but still communicate with him throughout the day, regardless of what my schedule looks like.
I took it upon myself to try to resolve that by making more time available to him and he promised that he’d ease off the closeness with this person, given that she makes me insecure.
Fast forward to a week ago, I found out that they still talk almost everyday. When I asked about the promise, he claims they’re just friends and nothing is happening, nor will happen romantically. And that I should trust him more. Regardless, he doesn’t want to cut the closeness with this person although he’s aware of my insecurity.
At the end of the conversation, he asked for a week’s break from me to decide on a way forward.
I feel like this break from me is making him closer to her because we’ve cut all communications for the week, as per his request.
TLDR
UPDATE!!
He messaged an hour ago asking to go out at a location on Saturday after my shift.
I haven’t opened the chat but I could see the msgs from the notifications.
26 comments
The break is bullshit. The telling sign is the “you don’t give me enough attention” excuse he tried to pull first. Now you’re “controlling” for questioning questionable behavior. If he’s being inappropriate with someone who he really doesn’t work with but in the same building then he’s going out of his way to hang out with her. A honest respectful partner would understand your views and choose you. He’s choosing her. The week is to see if he can get with her and if not he’ll come back.
Hopefully the week break was set with boundaries. Specifically about being with other people. Anything that could be perceived as cheating. If not, my suspicion is he’s going to get with her
I think the problem is that he started justifying the closeness with this person *because* you were too busy and not spending time with him. If that’s true (so, not just something you understood but something he really said) then he might need to get some thinking. I would feel replaced and a bit manipulated to.
I think it’s decent to have some insecurity and defensiveness over your partner’s friend especially if presence and time is one of the hard point of your relationship right now. Also pushing someone away to avoid change is just not the right move personally.
So you know he just wants a week to try and fuck her right? If he shoots his shot and fails he’s still got you to fall back on. Is that what you want to be? Breaks are the dumbest shit. You’re either together or you’re not.
Emotional cheating. Dump his ass. And the whole “break” thing. Yeah fucking right. Believe 100% that he is flirting or fucking her during this little break. It’ll be his way of having a pass because you were “broken up”
Don’t tolerate that bullshit. And do not let him call the shots. Tell him there’s no need for a break because you all are over. Simple.
This is a loss. Chalk it up as such and move on. He is not worth the trouble.
You tell him that clearly his relationship with her is more important to him by his actions. That you are done with him not taking you seriously when he VERY clearly has a very different relationship with her than with his other girl friends.
Find someone who doesn’t try to manipulate you into thinking you are the one in the wrong for being upset they are in an emotional relationship with someone.
I told my partner I didn’t mind if he stayed friends with his female friend (that he had before he even met me) I just felt uncomfortable by this particular female friend. He took that with a grain of salt. Lo and behold before she went out of state she confessed and did in fact harbor feelings for him in which he immediately told me. At no point did we take a break. I gave him the decision, you stay with me and we continue what we have or go with her and start something new no grudges, just don’t waste my time. He made the decision to continue building what we already had and hehe we married.
Never when she visited town did he spend alone time with her. She ended up working at the same place over summer break, and them being friends and him being a nice person took her home after work a couple of times. He would immediately call me let me know he was getting off and had the phone on the entire time and talked with me, wouldn’t hang up till he got back to his place. I never asked any of this of him. He simply did it bc I told him I felt insecure about their relationship but didn’t want to be the girlfriend that tears apart previous friendships. He has always made sure my emotions came before others as I do the same with him.
The only thing you need to do lovely is change the date from 31/07 to 12th never.
I wouldn’t even bother telling him. See what happens on Sunday if he reaches out. You’ll soon know how he feels when he contacts you. When he is asking about getting back together just say sorry but not interested. Then block. I’d let him think he has you to come back to this week so he thinks he’s been smart then drop his ass because even in if he doesn’t shag her he’s clearly more interested in being close to her than your feelings.
Good luck OP!
Lol a break – nah he wants that time to cheat and use the “but we were on a break” when you inevitably find out. I would tell him that it’s either break up or find a solution. Because him having a side piece isn’t okay especially since you’re obviously trying to fix the “issues” he’s pulling out of his ass
Ew, any partner who is willing to protect their “coworker” or “friend” instead of protecting you is already doing something wrong.
You’re not insecure bc you’re picking up on the fact that your partner and this person are clearly crossing lines and boundaries in their “friendship” when he is clearly in a relationship.
It also sounds to me like he’s going to use this “break” to see if he wants to be with her or not. I know this isn’t ideal to hear and people say it all the time, but girl, DUMP HIM.
You should tell him that you’re not interested in taking a break and that if he’s going to gaslight you by saying you’re insecure bc he’s making you feel uncomfortable over a woman he’s not in a relationship with, then you just need to end the relationship altogether. You don’t need a break to tell you that.
Your concerns are valid. I think a lot of it also has to do with his dismissal of your feelings more than anything else. It’s concerning he asked if you wanted a break first, so he could put the responsibility of it on you if you said yes. Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like he wants the freedom to explore this connection without being completely committed so he can justify what he might do. To me, if he had nothing to hide, he would be including you more. I’m sorry, OP. I know this sucks. A guideline I often refer to is if someone in a committed relationship is talking to/doing things with another person that they wouldn’t be comfortable doing if their partner was right there with them, then a boundary has likely been crossed. It sounds like he’s crossed that boundary. You should be top priority. Listen to your instincts about this – they’re usually not wrong.
A break? Last time I’ve done one of those was during hs and my relationship was ended because of it. He communicates how you’ve been too busy yet he wants to implement a break when you make more time for him. It all sounds like he is emotionally invested in this friend of his which is not a good sign at all. Emotional cheating is a big thing. Your boyfriends behavior is odd cause he is easily able to brush off the fact that his friendship he has with this girl is making you uncomfortable. There’s a lack of boundaries from his side
Let her have him. You don’t want someone who isn’t sure what they want.
He obviously turned you down to run to her. Why take a break. Give him what he wants. Break it off. If he cannot handle that your busy working and gas lighting you that its all your fault. You don’t need a guy like this who runs to the next women for attention. Your not controlling you asking a partner look what your doing to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Hear what I’m saying and asking you to do. He does the complete opposite. Then ask for a break and where is he. With her. If he says he wasn’t, he a lier. If he comes back after that break he cheated. Why waste anymore energy tears and heartache over a loser. Move on. He obviously putting it in your face. That he is ready to move but not leaving the security blanket til he sure.
He’s chosen her and now it’s your turn to move forward. Go do things for yourself and try hard not to think of him. Go do one of those glow up things that people do after a break up. I’ve always wanted to do that. Good luck and just remember life is to short to have to worry about someone else like that.
Sweetie you know that answer. You’re his back up plan in case he fails fking her.
The fact that he has hidden it at all, and then blames you, says that he’s at the very least having an emotional affair- at least from what I’m reading based on your post. He’s not willing to let this other girl go, which screams an emotional affair or more as well. At this point, it sounds like you deserve better.
He asked for a week break to go and fuck her without you being able to accuse him of cheating, girl….
Forget him.. guys and girls can 100% be friends but it’s usually a warning when it comes out of nowhere or doesn’t make sense how it happened (working at the same place but not in the same department or floor – they have no reason to form that solid of a relationship).
Make that break permanent.
OP. Your a very bright and intelligent young lady. You know what he is doing!!
You gave him his break. Now leave him on break permanently!! No reason for him to ever talk to you.
He wanted a friend alright!! FWB!! Your number #1. Always. Peace .
Something very similar happened to me. I’m very sorry, but I would say your relationship is already mostly over. He has put time and effort into developing emotional intimacy with her. He trusts her. He shares with her. You warned him about what was happening, and now you’re screwed no matter what you do. If you go on as-is, he will keep going through the motions with you but confiding in her. If you throw a fit, he gets to say you’re crazy and it pushes him closer to her. Maybe there is a third path that I didn’t find, but from my recollection it sounds like you are already the third whee in your own relationship. Why stay with someone who isn’t interested in being with you?
From reading OP’s responses to others, something tells me she’ll be okay being backup and take him back in a flash when he contacts her to get back together. Sad, because she deserves better.
He wants to have a week to test out things with his coworker. I would just let it go and tell him
he can take a forever break.
He tried to justify it by saying that “oh you’re so busy so I had to go be friends with someone else.” That to me is a huge red flag for some reason. I mean, it sounds like he feels like he isn’t getting attention from you, so he’s going to another woman for the attention that he wants. And you’re in the medical field in your 20s too. You’re understandably very busy, and it seems like he’s too boneheaded to get that. Also, even after he said he’d ease off of her, you found out they still talk every day, and now he wants to take a break. OP, I’m not going to lie, he’s shady as hell and if I had to take a guess he’s going to try to get with her and when/if she rejects him, he’ll come crawling back to you like it never happened.