Throwaway obviously – want to do the prequel of my wife is fantastic. Shes a wonderful mother to our children (12,10). Shes got a good career that I’m really proud of. We have been through a lot and kept our attraction, communication, and respect to one another and while every relationship has its ups and downs, we haven’t really had much blow ups despite marrying young and going through a lot of stressful times.
Thats why my complaint seems so silly in comparison, but here I am in my 30s – I’ve realized the stability of my life is a cheap facade that has been shattered like a cheap mirror… **all because of this damn tupperware hoarding which threatens to consume everything we have built together.**
When I say tupperware hoarding, I mean hoarding to the nth degree. We have tupperware everywhere. I have Pyrex all over the bathroom, boxes of rubbermaid in the garage, I open my closet in the bedroom and out falls china-take out soup containers. When we are gardening we aren’t planting in pots.. we are planting in old tupperware containers. For christmas she gets me brand new tupperware so she can use it. It has consumed such a big portion of my life that I asked her for one room without tupperware coming from every inch of the room, she can’t even give me that. As soon as I turn my head my demarcation line is breached by disposable containers and once I’ve given that inch, my whole mile is consumed. It is to the point where we cannot have company over (including my kids dont want friends over) because of the collective embarassment that is our life.
* I have tried couples therapy (uses tupperware to cope with the fact that her parents cooked takeaway food for her and she misses them, which is fair but this is obscene how much tupperware she needs, I tried explaining that she has far more than a human family sized amount of tupperware and you wont fill that hole fully with plastic alone)
* tried begging
* tried building her **A whole shed** for tupperware (guess how long that took to fill) – I have learned that space isnt the issue, she would find a way to fill a hangar if she had one.
* tried throwing away tupperware at random to stem the tide of the encroachment (she never yells or cries… except if I do that)
* tried telling her straight up this is something that I cannot deal with as it has consumed every inch of the home, she basically tells me to deal with it or leave
* tried to schedule “organization periods” with her, so we can get together and just select her favorite 500 pieces. She can’t tolerate that option
* tried to get her to agree to a specialist for hoarding to come by to evaluate strategies to curb her impulses, but she adamantly denies having this issue.
* tried to get her sister (closest family) involved as well – she sees it as insane but also says that there is not much she can do if my wife isnt willing to admit she is a hoarder.
**The sickest irony of this all is we rarely cook because there is too much tupperware in the kitchen to comfortably navigate… we mainly eat take out**.
So I need a solution, some sort of option that can make her see the insanity that we are dealing with. Pursuing divorce is a last possible line that I really don’t want to consider because I do believe a partner like this comes up once in a life time, but this tupperware problem is driving me insane.
tl:dr: my wife is hoarding tupperware to the point that it takes up every inch of our home. This is a major problem and although it might seem quaint, its literally everywhere. I had tried the conventional routes (therapy, telling her to stop, etc) but nothing seems to be working
42 comments
You seriously offered her to keep 500 pieces? Like 500 sets?
Short of some sort of specialist that deals with hoarding specifically… I don’t know what you can do here.
I don’t think you’re going to get much advice here. Maybe there’s a hoarding support subreddit that can give you better advice, but judging by your post you’ve already done most of what people would suggest if they read your whole post.
But yeah, this sounds like the type of thing where you need to be referred to a hoarding specialist that can really address this behaviour because it sounds completely out of control
Take pictures of the hoarding inside the house and share on reddit. Show her the thread of people saying it’s ridiculous.
I feel like at some point you just need to take it in to your own hands to get things going. Sometimes these kinds of people need someoneelse to help them by taking control. Her mind is likely exactly like the hoarding – chaotic.
At the very least, she needs to understand tupperware has no need being everywhete in sight, that furthers the obsession, to see it everywhere. At least relicate them. Pay for a storage container, get them out of the house and see how she feels over time. They’re not gone forever, at least she can know that they are safe somewhere. It’s just about moving forward in a positive way with something that is clearly not normal or healthy – the therapy speaks for that, anyone who has an opinion can speak to that, even deep down she should know that. Steps just need to start being taken to change the behavior, and it starts with cleaning out and organizing all the tupperware in the environment.
She has an untreated mental health issue.
She has no motivation to make a change because there have been no consequences.
I (43F) am not a fan of ultimatums but if I were in your shoes, I’d tell her that if she doesn’t start seeing someone about the hoarding and start making steps towards improvement, you will have to reevaluate the relationship.
Pick a timeline in your head. No effort/change in 6 mos perhaps.
And then start making your evacuation plan and be ready to execute it.
This isn’t healthy for your kids either. How do you think they feel about all this? Can’t have friends over becaue their mom is a crazy hoarder and their dad won’t do anything about it.
Your wife has a mental illness and needs help from a professional specializing in hoarding/OCD. She may need meds. However, if she cannot admit there is a problem, there is not much you can do. Have a serious discussion with her about the issue and ask her to see a counselor with you. (Photograph the hoarding so you always have a reality check.) This will only get worse as time goes by and will affect the whole family’s quality of life. Trust me, the kids notice and are affected. If she is still unwilling, go into therapy yourself to figure out how to continue in this relationship. Hoarding is a complicated mental illness and there is no stigma in acknowledging it as such. Good luck to you!
Unfortunately I don’t have anything to add but holy moly, this is above the paygrade of anyone on here
Hoarding is a mental illness that is very resistant to treatment. There is nothing you can say that will convince your wife of anything. If you get rid of any Tupperware she will cry bloody murder.
Nevertheless, you and the children have rights too. Here’s a dirty fix. If you can afford to rent a large storage unit, tell her most of the Tupperware is going there for safekeeping. With her help, start boxing it up and packing it over. Continue without her help, removing and disposing of the boxes as fast as you move more in. Get relatives to take her out. Tell other people you are storing it all The storage locker creates plausible deniability that any Tupperware is gone. Reassure her it’s there, but offer no help locating any particular piece in the packed full storage locker. After a while she’ll stop trying.
At the same time, restrict your wife’s access to money and credit cards so she can’t buy more. Sorry, but you will have to accompany her shopping.
Dedicate a room or some space to store Tupperware at home, but make space so you and your children can live normally. Hoarding behavior can be inherited. Your children should have some counselling about their mother’s mental illness.
If nothing is working just throw it all away.
Not sure there is a sliver bullet for this situation. A couple things that come to mind:
1) You need to get in contact with a therapist that specializes in hoarding. Seek their advice on how you should best proceed.
2) If divorce is plan Z, then try plan Y: Separation. Tell her that it is no longer healthy for you and the kids to live in that house in its current condition. Hence, you and the kids are going to move out and find another place to live until she can get her hoarding under control. Maybe real, but temporary, consequences will open her eyes to what she has on the line. Maybe if she’s willing to meet with a hoarding therapist, then you can start spending a few days back in the house. As long as she continues to put in effort, you can slowly start spending more time in the house again, working you way back to permanently moving back in.
hoarding is a mental illness, meaning no logic, pleas, or strategies for “helping” her are going to work. So you have to focus on your kids. They need you to step up and deal, OP. They can’t even have their friends over, ffs. You can tell them she is mentally ill, but what they **know** is that their mother cares more about plastic containers than she does about them.
Make one last attempt to get her to see a therapist who specializes in hoarding. If she won’t, I think you have no other choice but to separate at the very least. Get the kids into therapy with you, regardless of whether your wife attends.
I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like a nightmare.
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edit – misspelling
k… let me be the bad guy, this is really not your problem to solve or your damsel to save, just leave her, stop letting this make you suffer, give her all the room she needs to heal and make some to heal yourself go to a psycologist let emotions out and heal you have tried helping her now help yourself
I’d recommend you speak to the specialist hoarding therapist yourself. You need to make sure you don’t unintentionally make things must worse.
Normally the best way to start with is to give up trying to get her to throw things out and focus on harm reduction. This is basically just reorganising things so that you can access things like the kitchen and cook. Make sure she’s in charge.
It’s also ok for you to have boundaries and to say that you and the children need to move out as it’s not good for them to be around as they can learn that behaviour as a coping mechanism.
Wait…She was 16 and you were 22 when you had your first kid? 😬
Put all the tupperware on your dinner table and I mean all of it. Let her see how much she really has.
Btw, you knocked up a 16 year old?
Temporary solution until she can get help:
Rent or buy a storage unit. All unused Tupperware goes there. She still has it. It isn’t destroyed or gone. It just doesn’t live inside your home.
She needs inpatient care, medication, and intensive outpatient therapy
Hoarding is considered it’s own diagnosis in psychiatry. Your wife sounds spot on for it – it’s marked by difficulty discarding or parting with possessions as well as consistent accumulation. The difficulty comes from attachment of meaning and importance to the object. People with hoarding problems have a lot of distress associated with getting rid of the items.
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It sounds like your couples therapist was not prepared to take on this problem. They got to what may be the real root of what STARTED the problem, but not strategies to actually make the problem better. Try, if you can, to find someone who actually specializes in this. If you can’t (you’re in a rural area or can’t afford a specialist), I would try and find either/both someone who is trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and someone who is an actual psychiatrist who can prescribe medication.
Your wife has an untreated mental illness and needs to start and keep going to a therapist that specializes in hoarding. Good luck, hoarding is one of the hardest mental illnesses to control. This is definitely going to affect the kids as they do not have a safe and healthy environment to grow up in.
You can want to stay with your wife all you want but the only people that matter in this situation are the kids.
Seriously is that the kind of life you want for them? Eating out all the time, can’t bring friends home, a house completely covered in Tupperware? Your remaining time with them is short the 12 yo will be off to college and cutting you both off in 6 short years.
Yeah there’s something intense there. This goes deeper than the takeaway cooking and missing her parents, there is untreated trauma and mental distress on a deeper level
Please think of your children (cliche sounding I know)
If they are stifling there social interactions for your wife who refuses to see and deal with her problem then they are already suffering. That kinda stuff sticks with you.
Aside from limiting your kids, hoarding behaviors are very easily “passed” onto children. I hate the show but hoarders has shown a few instance where kids just end up doing the same thing ( the hoard might consist of something different )
Give her the option, therapy and cleaning or you are leaving with the kids. Take pictures and evidence so they don’t get stuck in custody with mom and the hoard.
Hoarding gets worse with time and age. If she doesn’t stop this shit, it will get worse and be harder to fix
Also it might be Tupperware now, usually hoards start to take on new things- what else might she attach herself to, using past fond memories as an excuse?
You have to leave.
You need to leave the house and stay elsewhere and mean it.
You need to accept that this is probably the end of your marriage.
You go back when she is calmly willing to do X regarding the containers. X can be whatever clear and concrete boundary you set: 500 pieces, just the shed, one room, one cabinet, weekly therapy, whatever it needs to be.
As everyone else has said, she has an untreated mental health issue. It is manifesting through the containers. Hoarding is notoriously difficult to manage. This is your only option.
[This webpage from the International OCD Foundation](https://hoarding.iocdf.org/for-families/) has some basic information on how to deal with a family member who has a hoarding problem.
[Children of Hoarders](https://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/) has more resources for understanding how children can be affected by a parent with a hoarding issue.
I think you should prioritize your children’s well-being, as hoarding can have a major impact on children. It will likely be hard for your wife to overcome the hoarding problem given that she appears to have poor insight into the hoarding problem. I agree with the suggestions to consult with a therapist who specializes in hoarding.
You might want to visit /r/hoarding/. Unfortunately, I’m in a similar boat and if anybody has found a way to deal with a hoarder who won’t admit they have a problem, I’ve never heard of it.
> but she adamantly denies having this issue.
Me and my gf have around 12 tupperwares. Most couples I know have like 12-25 pieces.
When she denies it, just repeat the numbers and say “let’s ask a hoarding specialist to be sure, and if you don’t have a hoarding problem I’ll leave this issue alone. Asking will not do any harm”
Repeat the quote until she agrees and you have a path forward. If she doesn’t then you can’t do anything. Your wife is ill
Damn, divorce over tubberware. Might’ve seen it all now. Sorry dude. Move on, it didn’t get better. Anytime all your solutions to a specific problem are “bad ideas” and your partner never has s “better” idea to present, then you are in for a world of hurt.
Here’s the solutuon. Tell her the marriage is over unless you are given control of the Tupperware. You decide where to store it, how much to keep, etc. Only you are allowed to purchase it. If she cant agree, then she values her addiction more than the marriage and you bail.
Okay, here’s a few steps you can try.
1. Eliminate her Tupperware budget, it sounds like she’s spent thousands of dollars on this stuff. Sit her down and listen, we have more than enough, you have extras of everything. You need to stop buying more.
2. Someone mentioned a storage unit. Good idea. Talk to her again. Say that we should move all the currently unused Tupperware to a storage unit. Empty the shed too. If she comes back and says she needs some back in the home, check to see that she really does and go together to make sure she only gets what she needs.
However, I don’t see her agreeing to this unless she gets the mental health help she needs. Get her sister, other family, friends and an expert on hoarding and have an intervention. Get the kids involved, she may not realize she’s hurting them.
If that doesn’t work, then you’re going to have to leave her and take the children with you. She needs help and needs to see that before she will begin to change. Hopefully, you can get her to see before it gets that far.
She’s literally telling you to leave, she’s choosing the Tupperware over you. Call her bluff. I’m not sure there’s a real cure for hoarding sadly.
You’re doing big disservice to your children, I’m sure they would want to bring friends over, but given the state of the house, they can’t, so you saying she’s a wonderful mother seems like it’s not it. Have you watched Hoarders the tv show to know a little about what you are dealing with, see the testimonies of the children of people with that disorder. Get/rent a new house/department/RV/whatever and get the kids out, that’s not a healthy environment to grow up to.
I really want to see a picture of your kitchen …
I don’t always advocate a tv show. But there is one called Hoarders. You might want to watch a couple episodes to just get a basic understanding of this mental illness.
Leave, literally leave and tell her point blank I can’t take it anymore it’s me and the kids or you get help for your hoarding.
You tell her that her Tupperware hoarding is not only affecting your marriage but it’s also affecting your kids. They’re embarrassed to have friends over. They eat nothing but takeout because no one can cook in the kitchen. She’s not setting a healthy example for them. If she’s any kind of mother, she’ll admit she has a problem and get therapy. It’s a low blow but it’s also true.
God. You’re giving flashbacks to my grandma’s and dad’s place (hoarders). I say it’s time to give your wife an intervention with the kids and other close family members. Your wife needs help and now before you have to with your kids for their own good.
This has got to stop before you guys end up on hoarders. I’m wishing you luck dealing with your wife.
This is a trauma based mental health episode. I’m sorry op but of she doesn’t take ownership of this and work on baby steps in the right direction, facing this Head on, I really do not see this getting better. You’ve done all you can this is up to her and if Tupperware is more of a priority then her marriage, then it is what it is and it’s on you to take the next steps forward.
It seems like she had really good caring parents if she misses them so much. Parents who cooked meals for her in tupperwares… While she serves her kids take out in the middle of her tupperware chaos.
Does she ever reflect on how badly she’s treating her own kids? Does she want to prevent them from missing her in the future? Cause I can assure you the moment they’re of age she won’t ever see them again.
Find the strength to leave. #hoardingsurvivor
I know someone whose mother was a hoarder. The house was full of anything and everything. And, it was filthy. When she passed, it hook weeks to clear it all out. Their childhood was ruined by the state of the house. Don’t think that it doesn’t affect the kids on multiple levels. This is a mental illness and it requires specialized treatment. My friend has mild tendencies toward boarding. Largely because she was never taught how to be organized. Another, younger family members lives in the same squalor that his grandmother did. Get the kids out of there. Set up an intervention in your home with a hoarding professional. Either she agrees to get help or you and the kids will make other arrangements.
As a man whose close friend’s mother was a horrendous hoarder (to the point he got lung infections that affect him years later). For the sake of your children you need to take drastic measures. Your wife is sick. Very very sick. She needs help from a specialist that works with hoarders and the sad truth is if your wife refuses to take steps to address her illness you need to consider the possibility that you have to sacrifice your marriage for the sake of your children. You seriously need to consider getting a therapist or lawyer or both and take the painful steps necessary to protect your kids
You knocked up a 15 year old as a whole ass adult and you wonder why she has mental issues?!
Wait. So when you were 20 you got a 15-16 year old pregnant?