is this financial abuse?

26 comments

1. >And the list goes up and up and he is very set on that’s his money and I need to pay it back.

   Then maybe he needs to be paying you a reasonable rate for childcare.

   This does sound like financial abuse, and frankly he sounds like a real asshole. He thinks *you* need to pay him back for **baby formula**?!

2. It’s abuse. Why is the formula all on you when it’s his kid too.

3. This isn’t a relationship, it’s financial and emotional abuse. Unless it’s not his baby, he should be paying a minimum of 50% of the baby’s needs (diapers, formula, clothing, healthcare, housing, etc.).

   You should contact your local domestic violence agency and see what assistance they offer. They should be able to help you apply for housing assistance, food stamps, WIC, Medicaid, and TANF so you can survive on your own with the baby. Not sure what your medical issues are, but if they lead to any type of disability, Vocational Rehabilitation might be available to help you get back on your feet and find work.

   You and your baby deserve better than this, OP. Do it for the baby if you don’t feel like you can do it for yourself.

4. Yes this is abusive. You don’t ‘owe’ him anything. As someone else has already mentioned, why don’t you give him a bill for pregnancy and childcare. What a horrible partner you have!

5. He makes $55,000 ? In Some states child support can equal UP TO 60% of the non-custodial parent’s income. In some states an unmarried mother Automatically has sole custody. Period. ( I hope you live in a state with these custody laws.)

   You could Give him the list of chores and the commercial value, child care is EXPENSIVE and a new born is almost double. That is in ADDITION to the child support.

   I think he is USING you: RUN. Make a plan, stabilize your world, educate yourself on the laws in your state, find a lawyer….. RUN!

   OP, you can do better, you deserve better, your child deserves better. BEST OF EVERYTHING TO YOU AND THE BABY!

   AGAPE 💕💕💕💕

6. You need to charge him a “nanny rate” for caring for your child!!

   Not to mention maid rates for things you do around the house.

7. Do you have any family you can move in with?

8. Why the hell did you have a kid with such low incomes? I work part time and make more than that. People need to stop breeding 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

9. you have a strict partnership with little to no accommodations.

10. Show him the ongoing rate for at home child care and a cleaning person. You don’t owe him. You’re not taking advantage of him, he’s taking advantage of you.

11. Wtf is he going to do with this money? Go on vacation by himself?

12. Yes, it is financial abuse. Break up with him and file for child support. Do you have friends or family that can take you in while you get back on your feet?

13. Leave and put him on child support. I promise that will be more than the “lent” money. Fuck him.

    And yes this financial abuse 101. He is a peice of shit even if he does not know it. Also charge him for 50% of any time missed from work as a mother. Even the time due to pregnancy. He owes you 50% of that period according to his logic. If he is not doing 50% of the parenting, also figure that in at a typical nanny pay. If he only does 40% make sure you charge him for the offset 20% of that time. Repeat this for a maid service. If he isn’t doing 50% of the cooking and cleaning start handing him a bill. Flip the table wait for him to lose his mind because he lost the power. While he is going berserk just leave.

14. That’s not right at all! He’s the father and you guys have been in a long relationship, he needs to be a provider, you don’t “owe” him anything. What kind of mindset is that??

15. Yep. Financial abuse. You’re dependent on him but he’s adding up a tally even though you’re the mother of his child? Hell no.

16. If my wife costs me 8k over the next 9 years, I’ll firstly – never tell her how cheap she is to keep, lest it cause an increase. Secondly, count my blessings that for the childcare, cooking, cleaning, emotional support, companionship and frankly excellent head, has cost me less than a fucking gym membership.

    Ditch him.

17. Dump his ass and take him to court, make sure you document these lists and him saying you need to pay it back. Once the judge sets a child support amount I think he’ll realize he should’ve been fine supporting his family

18. Ask for payment for your childcare services. $25 an hr.

19. Yes, this is abuse. He is gaslighting you. If anything he owes you for childcare. He should have kept his DNA to himself if he didn’t want financial responsibilities. If you left him, child support could be 1/3 of his income.

20. My heart goes out to you honey . Life is hard enough as it is, then to have a 3 month old and your partner keeping total. You deserve so much better than that. I can’t tell you what to do but if I were you I’d leave his ass . Not sure if it’s offered where your located. But where I live legal aid will help you fill out and file for child support. You and your child deserve better don’t settle.

    I’m sorry your going through this please feel free to message me. And I will help you anyway I can . Know your worth and that you derserv3 better.. also you don’t want your son to see hos dad treating you like this . He will grow up think its okay to treat women this way.

21. Yes, he is financially abusing you. I’m glad you’re calculating the value of your unpaid labor to demonstrate your contribution to him. You’re barely healed from pushing out his kid, if you even are. He should have expected to shoulder more burden while you recover. He’s a HUGE asshole. I don’t think he’ll change either, unfortunately. Make an exit plan and get your child support, sis.

22. You need to break up. Go to court for a custody plan and child support order.

    It unlikely that you owe this man anything but very likely that he will quickly realize how expensive paying child support will be.

23. Nah, this guy sucks. Wheny wife was pregnant I assumed the responsibility of providing since she physically couldnt. It actually makes me feel guilty and in debt considering she had to give up so much having children.

24. The current situation is ridiculously unfair and untenable. It’s of no fault of your own you cannot work and anyway, you just had a baby. Bonding and being there should be a lovely peaceful time for you as a young new family and he’s acting like an absolute prat.

    I would tell him in no certain terms to take his itemised bill and shove it up his ass. He is one of the biggest asses I have ever heard of on here!

    Bloody hell what is wrong with some people!

    I’m so sorry you’ve ended up with someone who lacks logical thinking or the ability to recognise you are partners in life and finances.

    It’s also a sign of someone who is immature and childish. Keeping score is never going to lead to anything constructive whether it’s money or arguments or anything.

    Financially you would likely be better off without him. Again he is a giant ass. This post has made me angry for you OP!

    Are there good aspects of your relationship?

    You need to put an end to this. He needs to cut the crap and work on his mental health, and you should spell it out and think of the consequences if he doesn’t change.

    I hope he is kind to you and helps with the baby at least… congrats on your new bubba and please try not to let this get too down too much. He’s an ass. You are not.

25. He is saying we have a son doesn’t mean we both wanted a son 😑 I’m starting to release now this is too much to handle.

26. Leave him