So my boyfriend (18m) and I (18f) have been dating for a little over 3 months. Literally everything is perfect in our relationship except for our sex life.
**Edit: I have no intentions on ending the relationship, I love him to death. I want to know ways I can work through this frustration. **
Since I had never been with anyone before him, I never fully realized just how high my sex drive is. Well, actually, its always been high, it just seems like its increased since we started dating. We talked about it in the beginning, because he told me he has a very high sex drive and was nervous about pushing sex on me (because at the time I was still a virgin).
We’ve only had sex twice in the 3 months we’ve been together. I’ve given him blowjobs countless times, though recently he has been turning those down aswell. I never really get anything from him, I don’t expect it, but it would be really nice, I’ve never orgasmed from him(which isn’t surprising since usually the most sexy stuff that happens is a fully clothed blowjob from me). I usually leave his house feeling unfulfilled. Recently, he’s been turning down pretty much all sexual things. We’ve been doing alot of cuddling. We’ll start making out, and he’ll get hard, but then he’ll say “Ugh, I’m sorry, I kinda just wanna cuddle, I dont want sex, just love” and then thats all.
Its extremely frustrating and confusing for me. I know that a guy getting hard isn’t an indication that he’s turned on, but its still confusing. I’ve been scared to make any moves because I end up being turned down. Like today I was kissing him, he was hard and I thought he was turned on, but after I took his shirt off and started kissing him more, he stopped me and said that he’s not really feeling it and that he’d rather just cuddle.
We’ve kinda talked about it..? Hes brought up how he’s confused, because before we got together and in his previous relationships he has had an extremely high sex drive. He has mentioned that he’s never loved someone like he loves me, and never felt someone love him like I love him, and that he just wants to cuddle and enjoy the love. He is on medication (antidepressants) but I think he was on them before we got together. He has had sexual trauma in the past, and while that is probably part of it, he told me that he doesn’t think that that is whats up.
I feel like part of the issue is how he seems to view sex. I see it as something extremely intimate and that brings you closer with your partner. I think he sees it as just an act purely for pleasure. I could be wrong, but honestly that’s what it seems like.
I haven’t told him how I feel because I can tell that it bothers him, I don’t want him to be hard on himself about it. But honestly, its been getting to me. I feel so stupid, but when I think about it I honestly feel like I’m gonna cry. I’ve realized its something extremely important for me and my relationships. It helps me feel connected and loved by my partner. I also just really enjoy the emotions and feelings that come along with sex.
What should I do? I love him to death, but I have been feeling the frustration growing inside me and I feel like eventually its gonna be too much. But I really don’t want to end the relationship.
TLDR: Boyfriend has been turning down sex/anything sexual. Even if we do something sexual it is usually only him getting the pleasure. I’m getting very frustrated. What do I do?
11 comments
Sounds like he might be worried that he actually loves you but thinks that sex ruined his past relationships and worried that it will ruin this one. Of course the exact opposite seems to be true. If he can’t quickly get past that then I’m not sure it’s worth your time.
Having said that, you’re 18 and you’ve only been dating this guy for 3 months. The relationship has likely run its course. You’ve learned a lot from it. Now it’s time to move on.
If you’d been married to this person for years that would be different but you’re young and have little relationship experience. It’s time to go get some more with someone who will be a better match because of what you’ve learned from this experience.
Look up Madonna whore complex. It’s most likely that.
It is purely for pleasure. Nothing “love” about it. Just lust
1. He’s watching a lot of porn at home and fapped out his sex drive 2. He’s getting it from someone else
He may want to check in with his doctor. It’s good that he’s still able to get hard easily but he may be having a hormone or other health issue that’s dropping his sex drive.
Since you’re both only 18 it may also be him having a complex about potentially ruining your relationship by having/wanting sex “too much”, as another commenter said. This could be a communication issue or a health issue. If he really is genuinely confused by this he should be willing to see a doctor if he has the means.
I’d say that if sex is a deal-breaker for you, then you need to talk to him about it. Your current trajectory, given nothing changes, is breaking up, correct? Therefore you need to talk to him about his difficult topic, hard as that is. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, cannot stress that enough.
If it’s sexual trauma from the past that’s causing the issue or if the antidepressants are killing his sex drive then you need to talk about it. Don’t need all the gory details, just about how it’s affecting you and the relationship, how it makes you feel etc. I’ve had times where me and my partner haven’t communicated issues very well and it’s always frustrating because we’re not mind readers, it’s often things we could’ve done or sorted but worrying about bothering the other person just ends up as bottled emotion that will pop at some point. If he does care about you he will try to address it and you’ll know the best way to support him constructively rather than guessing as you’ll have discussed the issue together.
If you don’t communicate then your fear of bothering him will be moot as this as, over time, resentment will build and it will negatively affect the relationship. Both of you care about the other and are invested in the relationship, if that’s the case then he should be just as eager to ease your frustration as you are to support him. The way I see it, if you want to save the relationship and both be happy in it, then you can’t be afraid to talk about difficult things. This is hard, I know that. But you need to trust each other enough to have these discussions without resentment.
>*Edit: I have no intentions on ending the relationship, I love him to death. I want to know ways I can work through this frustration. *
I’m sorry that you have to actually post this to get the point across. Ending the relationship should be an absolute last resort; still too many people keep suggesting it for the shallowest of reasons.
>he’ll say “Ugh, I’m sorry, I kinda just wanna cuddle, I dont want sex, just love” and then thats all.
This is not going to work for long, as it only focuses on what he wants rather than what you want. He needs to clear the air on this.
>I never really get anything from him, I don’t expect it
You should. It’s your right as a partner. If you are making compromises for him, why shouldn’t he?
>I usually leave his house feeling unfulfilled
That’s not good. Is he fulfilled, at least?
>Hes brought up how he’s confused, because before we got together and in his previous relationships he has had an extremely high sex drive. He has mentioned that he’s never loved someone like he loves me, and never felt someone love him like I love him, and that he just wants to cuddle and enjoy the love.
Why is he defensive then? He needs to lower his shields and give himself over to you. Otherwise you will find he won’t be comfortable, which will be a turnoff.
>I see it as something extremely intimate … he sees it as just an act purely for pleasure.
Looks like a previous partner made this impression on him. You’ll have to work together to change that. Sex is supposed to be intimate.
>I haven’t told him how I feel because I can tell that it bothers him, I don’t want him to be hard on himself about it. But honestly, its been getting to me.
You need to tell him, that way you can work through it.
>It helps me feel connected and loved by my partner. I also just really enjoy the emotions and feelings that come along with sex.
Communicate this.
holy shit OP, you don’t have a boyfriend, you have some guy who let’s you give him blowjobs sometimes. i want you to read this to yourself 3 times:
” I never really get anything from him, I don’t expect it, but it would be really nice, I’ve never orgasmed from him(which isn’t surprising since usually the most sexy stuff that happens is a fully clothed blowjob from me). I usually leave his house feeling unfulfilled. ”
If you don’t break up with him, he’s eventually gonna break up with you because it’s beyond clear that he gives zero fucks about you.
One thing you could do is introduce some foreplay toys.
Tell him he doesn’t have to do any PiV, but you want him involved in the foreplay, as to you the feelings you get from the foreplay make you feel closer still to him, just as cuddling you does for him.
So if you detach the foreplay from sex and explain it to him as a love bonding, you maybe able to break through whatever it is he is going through.
Often it’s not what we say it’s how we phrase it that can make the biggest impact.
I’m sorry OP but a relationship in which everything is great but the sex does NOT work. One day you’ll realize this but getting to that stage will take a lot of hardship if you want to learn the hard way.
Does he watch porn?