I (34m) am coming out of yet another failed “relationship” at 3 months. This seems to happen regularly, I get to the 3 month point, basically at the honeymoon phase, and can’t get beyond that. This girl was absolutely perfect for me. She says I’m just missing some “quality” which she can’t describe.
I know the quality. I’ve known I’m lacking it for a while, but I don’t know where to get it. I’m no alpha male, and I don’t want to be, but I’m not even a beta. I’m so far down the list that there’s not even a name for it. I’m not confident, I’m extremely self depricating which is obviously a turn off. In my last relationship, she was contacted by her ex. She told me about it, and obviously wanted me to do something, but I just didn’t. I sat there and tried to be the “better man” and ultimately she went back to him.
I wouldn’t say I’m ugly, I have a decent funny personality, I own my own home, great job, completely stable, but I’m lacking in the personality area that I think women desire. At the end of the day, I’m a pushover. I don’t stand up for myself, I avoid confrontation, and I shy away from difficult situations. I need to fix this, otherwise I’m doomed to live alone forever.
I’m looking for self help books that can help me here. I’ve seen the 48 Laws of Power but I don’t want that, I’m not looking to be a self absorbed narcissistic dick, I just need to know how to carry myself in a manner that isn’t just…wimpy.
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Edit* I should say the one who went back to her ex wasn’t the relationship I’m just coming out of. Just to clarify.
Also, I’m not particularly blessed in the muscles department. It’s nothing I’ve ever really regretted or been upset about. I’m a skinny dude. I am not super hyped on the gym but I guess I’ll need to consider that.
Yes, need to work on being assertive. I’m sure there are plenty of resources available (it’s the common “nice guy” problem), but if all else fails, therapy.
How’s your ‘mood’ much of the time?
Would you describe yourself as, a bit nervous, sometimes anxious (especially when meeting people)?
Read “The Rational Male” or “No More MR Nice Guy”
I’ve been in your shoes, OP. Shy introvert with social anxiety.
What has helped me in recent years is constant practice in being more decisive, and accepting whatever the outcome is. Being decisive goes a long way in conveying confidence, but you can still be a nice guy. Learning from failure has been infinitely more valuable than being in my comfort zone.
Instead of letting myself dwell on the potential negatives of putting myself out there, I focus on the idea that no matter what happens, I will have learned something either way.
I wouldn’t recommend 48 laws of power for what you are going through. Some of the other comments recommended some good books. Seems like you just got to put some work into your social skills being more assertive, confident. Know where you stand on things and stand. Don’t be afraid to be unapologetically you. Maybe therapy as well.
Talk to a psychologist, they can hekp you with anxiaty, nervousness, understanding and managing your emotions, understanding your behaviours, and help you define the man you are.
You need to know your self better. It feels like you arlready have in mind that you miss something and inevitably you create the same pattern, over and over.
I did that work with a aocial worker, and my confidence went up. Not 100% but Iknow what kind ofwan O am, what kind of relationshipI want, what traits are important te in a partner, and what kind of partner is right for me.
Okay let’s see…
First I’d suggest writing down exactly what you want in a woman, don’t hesitate to be picky in terms of your standards.
Practice standing straight with your shoulders back and develop the habit of keeping your eyes within the forward plane, this is an instinctual behaviour when you’re in control and confident within your environment. Your brain doesn’t know that you’re consciously making this happen or not, all it knows is that you’re in a space now that doesn’t need to keep you in a state of fight or flight.
In regards to conversation the most interesting people are those that ask open ended questions… people love talking about themselves and with practice you can get really good at keeping a conversation flowing with well timed open ended questions, eventually playful comments and the occasional comparison to an experience of your own to show relatability… but open questions are king!
Now what I gathered from your post is that you’re lacking assertiveness?
My prescription would be is to take lead as well practising unpredictability and spontaneity to create a dynamic of excitement/danger as well as safety for the woman.
Take lead and choose the date and time but don’t give away the activity of the date completely. Take her to do things that stimulates her, gets her excited and then afterwards surprise her with something else a bit more lowkey and romantic/sexually charged if she is clearly showing that she likes you.
This doesn’t mean that anything intimate has to happen after the date, building that tension first is important and ideally you want her to be clearly showing sexual interest before you let her get close enough or before you make a move otherwise there’s that risk of rejection.
Show stoicism by letting her come close in an intimate moment, and pulling back just to tease her. You’re in charge remember, build that tension.
She needs to feel safety with you and to build that you need to break away from monotony at your lead and create those spontaneous adventures that allow her to gain that respect for you.
You seem like you have a structured life already, that’s a perfect domain of safety now to just get that sense of danger and excitement about you!
As for physicality you don’t need to look like Chris Hemsworth really all you need is some musculature that shows a bit of all round definition, this indicates good health and genetics.
Other comments suggest therapy also and I agree, it has help me a lot finding the right therapist!
Anyway hope this helps a little. Good luck!