This post is gonna be kinda long so I’m gonna just do bullet points, this has been a thing since we started dating back in December 2021
Quick labels for people:
GF – my girlfriend
BF – best friend
BFGF – best friend’s girlfriend
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\- In December of last year, GF and BFGF got into a fight over GF’s COVID-like symptoms(it’s common for GF to get sick, she has a compromised immune system)
\- During the fight, BFGF relentlessly attacked GF for not doing enough to prevent the spread or get tests done(BFGF’s mom only has one lung so COVID could very well be fatal)
\- During this fight I was asleep, and after the fact, I tried to defend BFGF and explained that it was wrong but had good intentions.
\- After the said fight, GF expressed that she was uncomfortable with me spending time with BFGF, after some time and conversations, I agreed and cut ties.
\- During this time BFGF had sent a half-assed apology to GF and obviously, GF didn’t appreciate it.- After I had cut ties with BFGF, GF made it clear that she didn’t want to ever come between BF and me because “she knew how important he was to me”, as long as BFGF wasn’t involved.
\- Skipping forward a few weeks, both BF and BFGF are trying to genuinely apologize to GF for what happened and make peace.
\- GF made it clear several times she didn’t want to be friends again.
\- During one particular conversation, GF sent a message to BFGF boiling down to “I don’t want to be friends with you, period, however, I want OP and BF to still be able to hang out”, BFGF wasn’t a fan because it seemed disingenuous.
\- Over the next several months’ BF started to express that I had become more and more distant due to me avoiding BFGF, and by proxy, him. He told me that (direct quote from him) “This relationship looks controlling”
*(For a little more context, before GF, I was in a relationship with one of BF’s former good friends, who ended up using me as a rebound for her ex. It was plagued with red flags and verbal abuse, and after we had broken up, I asked BF and BFGF to stop me if they see me entering a dangerous, abusive, or controlling relationship)*
\- From that point on, GF disliked BF
\- Over the next several months’ BF attempted to make peace with GF, by constantly asking me what he could do to make GF more comfortable with him so, at the very least, he and I could hang out.
\- During these several months (March – Present), I abstained from hanging out or playing videogames with BF, except for a small handful of times (less than 5 times)
\- Over this period, GF explained that she was still not content with that, wanted me to cut all communication with BF, and threatened several times to break up with me if I didn’t
\- During most if not all occurrences, I ended up sending a long-worded paragraph or outright blocking BF for a week or so to ease tensions.
\- More recently ( past 3 months ) BF has changed his stance to “I personally don’t like GF, however, I want to talk to her in the most civil way possible, but I support your decision because this is your relationship, not mine, and I can’t make that decision or tell you what’s healthy or not.
At the moment she still does not want me hanging out with BF or BFGF and refuses to change her stance. She gave me the option to break up or alternatively, cut all ties/no strings attached relationship (No commitment, no physical intimacy, no financial obligation, no time obligation, the only thing left is she will remain loyal and expect me to do the same)
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Most of our arguments boil down to a few points
Some of My GF’s common points are:
***”He got us into a car accident so he’s a reckless driver”***
\- The car accident happened at less than 20mph, I will admit that BF was being reckless and swinging the wheel back and forth. He hit a patch of ice and lost control, running into a large bush. The air bags did not deploy, no one got hurt, and the damage to the car was only cosmetic. After the said accident, BF got the car taken away for about a month and after which he had to sign a contract with his parents noting that he would always drive safe and sober, and if he didn’t, he would get his car and license revoked. Since then, BF hasn’t been in an accident
***”He joked about doing coke”***
The jokes about coke are stretched truths. Firstly, BF has only made one joke about bumping up coke, and the joke wasn’t even around me or her, It was with a co-worker and was told to me after the fact. Basically one of BF’s coworkers used to do coke, and he was messing around and showing BF how to “cut” (make lines) of coke using flower. BF then said, “you got any in your truck?”. *That was it.*
***”He called me controlling and you didn’t defend me”***
\- He didn’t call her controlling but rather the relationship, however for her sake we’ll say that he did. After he had made that comment I did in fact defend her and emphasize to him that it wasn’t his place to decide whats controlling or not
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**Little tidbits of info:**
GF has anxiety and PTSD so that might explain some of the behaviors, however, she constantly says that there’s nothing more for her to improve mentally and that her perspective is more informed than mine because she “seen shit”. She has said outright that she knows more about what’s best for me, than BF, my own mother, or even myself. I’m completely open to hearing her concerns, but when she starts saying that she knows better than anyone and using ultimatums to push her perspective, I have an issue.
BF has openly stated that he wants to talk to GF because he “also has my best interests at heart” and wants to prove that to her by changing his behavior. He’s come out and said that he will do whatever it takes to make GF comfortable enough to be ok with me hanging out with him. When he asks, however, I can’t really give him an answer because GF won’t elaborate beyond ” I don’t like him because he makes me uncomfortable”
One of the most important things to keep in mind is that at the beginning of all this, I made it clear to both GF and BF/BFGF that if either of them pushed me into cutting the other off, I would distance myself from that person demanding action. Over the past several months I have consistently bent this rule in favor of GF and when I bring it up she seems to ignore it.
She talks a lot about breaking up but after a few hours or a day, she’ll come back crying saying that she doesn’t want to break up and that she doesn’t know why I’m picking him over her
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I love her so much, more than I’ve loved anyone, and I guess that’s a product of being 18 but even after all this I’m surprised I’ve stayed and continued to love her. But I’ve been questioning for the past few months whether it’s better for me to try and stay and fix things with a hope of a happy future or leave and lose that potential. I don’t know what to do anymore, we’ve tried compromises, we tried to get friends and family to be mediators, I’ve tried just sitting and listening to her but nothing works. Her stance is firm.
TLDR: My best friend’s girlfriend is kinda an asshole, and my best friend isn’t safe all the time, and now my GF doesn’t want me to hang out with my best friend because of a few incidents in the past. GF won’t give me a reason or a problem to fix to make her more comfortable, and so I’m stuck š
**Ask any question you want in the comments and I’ll answer it to the fullest I can, I just need advice on what to do now.**
6 comments
> She has said outright that she knows more about what’s best for me, than BF, my own mother, or even myself.
And that is when you know that you’re in an abusive and controlling relationship. Your BF and BFGF might not be the greatest people ever, but your girlfriend is not a good partner or person.
Anyone who claims to know what’s better for you than yourself doesn’t see you as an equal – instead, they look down on you. You are not in an equal relationship with a partner who respects your opinions, needs, boundaries and desires. Instead, you are with someone who thinks you’re too dumb for your own good, who is cutting you off from your support network and who thinks that your life should revolve around her.
Nope, your BF and BFGF might not be great people, but in one thing, they are correct: You are in a controlling and abusive relationship.
Your GF sucks. Don’t put up with this. She was wrong when she was sick and didn’t get tested or isolate. She doubled on that wrongness when she decided to take offense when she was rightfully called out on it. She then rejected multiple attempts at reconciliation that included apologies that BF and BFGF didn’t owe. She is still holding this grudge months and months later. Her obstinate wrongheaded refusal to accept an apology is bad enough but she was in the wrong from the start. But she didn’t stop there. She is now using this as an excuse to control your social life and friend circle.
Your gf sounds very selfish. The whole fight over testing for Covid, right off the bat, conveys that. Was there some barrier to her getting tested for Covid? Weāre tests not available? Weāre they costly? What could her argument against being tested be other than āshe knows betterā, which is a crap argument.
The rest of the post continues on to make your gf look like a worse and worse partner.
The whole part where you state that in a few months you only hung out and played videogames together a handful of times. The response from your GF is that it isn’t enough and that she would break up with you. And that she “threatened this several times”
To me that is being controlling. A relationship should not have ultimatums.
Unless there is conversations between you and GF ,that I do not have context to, where you both had a fair chance to express how the situation effects you and there was discourse on a solution that both parties accepts. I think that is manipulating.
**When coming to a solution, there is a chance someone has to give some of their position. but if that solution is not agreed on you cannot expect the other to follow it.**
**So maybe in your situation you can find it worth it to move on from your friend to stay with your GF. or your GF finds her feelings on BF smaller to her than your benefit of hanging with BF. Whatever the case is that has to be decided.**
**I guess that solution doesn’t entirely need to be a mutual decision, like you could decide your relationship with BF is more important than yours with GF and just leave.**
>She has said outright that she knows more about what’s best for me, than BF, my own mother, or even myself. I’m completely open to hearing her concerns, but when she starts saying that she knows better than anyone and using ultimatums to push her perspective, I have an issue.
You should have an issue. Because she is flat out wrong, and she can’t possibly be a good partner until she can admit that. You are in a toxic relationship. She doesn’t get to be always right just because she’s been diagnosed with mental health issues.
Your BF is trying to look out for you dude, but you need to do a better job of looking out for yourself.
GF is indeed controlling and this relationship is going to drain all the happiness out of your life. In a few years you’ll either be single and in therapy or two kids in and miserable. Don’t destroy close friendships for controlling assholes, when the dust settles you’re gonna need to lean on friends and if you let her get her way eventually there won’t be anyone left to be your support (making you more reliant on her and less likely to leave). I’m certain this whole thing is a bluff and she’d not break up with you if you put your foot down. Call your friend and *beg* his forgiveness for allowing him to be treated like that and then ask yourself why you let it get this far and maybe work through that with a therapist (and hopefully single).