I (20s F) started dating someone (late 20s M) a few weeks ago after knowing each other in roughly a friendship capacity (trying not to give too many details).
Consistently, I feel like he isn’t putting in much effort compared to anyone else I’ve ever dated, or “working” at all to pursue me for lack of a better phrase.
He’s not big on planning dates, half the time he just says “what do you want to do” and we end up going to a park and eating snacks. And then go back to each other’s places. I’ve slept at his place twice and he’s never offered me breakfast unless I ask to have some of what he’s having. The first time I slept over it felt like a ONS even though it wasn’t because there was zero plan in the morning except me rolling out of bed and going home. He’s never walked me home. And verbally/emotionally it doesn’t feel to me like he is doing much “work”, I’m always the one asking the questions or trying to get a conversation going and he doesn’t ask me questions unless he’s just reciprocating. And finally while money isn’t everything of course, on top of the other things it does solidify the feeling that he’s never once asked to properly take me out to dinner. He seems to have a 50/50 expectation where he’ll straight up ask me to pay for drinks if he bought the movie tickets. I wouldn’t care if the rest weren’t also at issue but overall, it combines to where I don’t feel appreciated or valued as more than a sex partner.
It feels like I put in a lot of work in terms of getting ready, dressing up to look nice for him, going out when I’m tired out after a long day, etc. and it feels like he takes me for granted or doesn’t also put the work in.
There could be a few different things going on here. (1) he’s just not smooth with women, or (2) he’s not actually invested in this or looking for a relationship, or (3) because we were friends for so long he feels like he doesn’t have to work to impress me at all.
I don’t know how to address this properly without being offensive or coming across as asking him to spend money on me (not the goal but he seems sensitive about that). Any ideas on how to approach it? Thank you.
p.s. Also I’m not certain that this isn’t just all information that he isn’t seriously interested in me and will never make me feel special, so certainly let me know if it sounds that way to you!
2 comments
“It would really make me feel nice if you sometimes tried to make date plans for us. I enjoy doing it, but I’d love to go out and see what you’d want us to do. It would really make me feel valued as someone you’re dating.”
additionally:
“Sometimes when you bring up finances so abruptly it makes me feel sort of like the transactions are more important than our time spent together. I’m happy to split the costs of things, but I’d rather it not be so rushed and starkly brought up every time we go out. Do you think we could try [another method] instead?”
I’ve found that not attacking a person and instead expressing how a behavior would make you feel is a great way to communicate that you’d like them to do something. I’ve addressed things that made me uncomfortable like this with my boyfriend and it’s always led to really meaningful conversation and always ended up working out well.
>I don’t feel appreciated or valued as more than a sex partner.
That sums it up nicely.
# 3 (60%) #2 (10%) #1 (30%)
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>And then go back to each other’s places.
As I see it, that’s where it falls apart badly. So, I’d start by not doing that until that part is done right. Which means a discussion when he wonders why that’s not happening, and presenting him with an outline of: Your Expectations.
1. Breakfast offered and prepared (by the host/hostess for the guest) re.” he’s never offered me breakfast”
2. Walking you home (& if he wants, your walking him home) re. “He’s never walked me home.”
3. Initiating topics and conversation half the time. (I anticipate you’ll need to cut back so he has a shot at managing that quota, and, that at least at first you’ll need to prompt him regularly with ‘Your turn’) re. “And verbally/emotionally it doesn’t feel to me like he is doing much “work”,”
>half the time he just says “what do you want to do”
Your response might be: “You plan it, and I’ll show up or accompany you.”