So, while I was out at the dog park with my mom, then on a very long date, I missed a series of messages from someone I just started talking to you and it crazily escalated—all on his part.
Since I don’t give my number out to folks I have not yet met in person, I texted him via my google voice account at 11ish on Friday night. On Saturday morning, he texted at -8:30 am. Then again at -1 pm, then finally around -9 pm. I hadn’t responded to any of the messages because I don’t have notifications on for google drive and just check it periodically, so hadn’t seen any of them until I checked just before going to bed at 2 am. I always have text and phone notifications turned off when I am with other people (friends, family, dates), because I used to be terrible about focusing on my phone vs the folks I was physically with. It’s helped improve my relationships, and also means I am an erratic texter. Folks who know me are aware of this.
Anyway, the first message was a “hi, sorry, I missed your last message because I fell asleep”. The second text was a little bit chatty and asking about my day, etc. the third message was a full on accusatory rant about how I blocked the guy and I am a shitty person for catfishing him and he hopes someone treats me this terribly in the future.
On the one hand, I am thinking both “yeah, I dodged a bullet” and “this guy has clearly been hurt by that type of behavior in the past” and on the other hand I am wondering whether I should be upfront about not being terribly responsive via text because I prioritize in-person connections vs my phone.
I don’t think there is anything worth salvaging here, and I am wondering WWRD? Have you ever experienced anything similar? Are you preemptive with “this is how I operate” explanation when you first engage outside of an app? Do you just assume that other folks understand that texts don’t require immediate response?
Edit – to correct google to **google voice**.
45 comments
No, you did nothing wrong. People need patience and you two obviously aren’t compatible on that level. If there is someone you Like and you feel to want to avoid showing disinterest, let them know about your texting habits if the conversation comes up naturally
He sounds like the “of you have time to pee you have time to text me” type.
Super emotionally immature and selfish, the trash took itself out.
you don’t need to explain yourself to an unhinged stranger… truly who cares what this person thinks? he clearly has his own assumptions and projections about how the world operates and doesn’t care about reality. move on and let people think what they want to think. you don’t have to explain yourself to a stranger.
Sense of entitlement typical to a narc, you did the right move
Not sure what WWRD means.
I mean, the person definitely is insecure.
I do feel like if I was in their position, and I messaged somebody something, and an entire day went by (24+ hours) with radio silence in return to my message that I would just assume that I’m not going to be getting a message back at this point. However, the accusatory and attacking comments (“I hope somebody treats you this terribly”) just are full of drama and insecurity.
It’s just unnecessary and immature.
Also I can also say that I have had a situation before where I didn’t hear back from the person, was chill/nonchalant about it, did hear back days later and we actually ended up going out.
Sooo.. yeah. There’s really no reason on their part to be stirring up drama here. Even if you didn’t message them back, it’s not a big deal. You don’t really owe them anything here and are allowed to change your mind.
But I do think if you were communicative about your texting patterns that it could be helpful. For me, that would be a major green flag. I would be thinking, this person is very communicative, mature, and likely somebody that is easy to make a potential future relationship be successful with.
First question: how does one text via google drive? Hehe new to me!
I’m sorry you experienced that hostility/ aggression though. As a woman who deals with anxious attachment I feel for the guy a bit but you haven’t even met in person yet.
A recent experience I had that relates: had told a guy I went on a date with about how inconsistent communication really triggered my anxiety in my last relationship. During that same date he took the time to tell me he would be super busy with work the next two days but would check in with me periodically and would “definitely text tomorrow”- just couldn’t be as communicative as he had been. I appreciated him letting me know so much.
But here’s the kicker, he then didn’t text. Not once. And he had all kinds of excuses about how hard he works etc, yeah. I had made clear that I don’t need to hear from someone all throughout their work day (or if they have plans with other ppl) but not a single message in the 24 hours after our date after it seemed like he understood my communication expectations? Well, it was a mismatch between us to say the least.
I need to be less anxious. And people need to be more consistent and attentive *if* they like someone.
In a world where most of us are pretty attached to our phones I don’t entirely blame the guy in your situation for assuming the worst. Online dating sucks. If you meet a guy you really like, I would give him a heads up about your texting habits… but be as consistent as you can.
Everyone has different communication styles. You should not carry on based on assumptions or mind-reading. It’s healthy to tell future prospects, “hey, i check my messages once a day.”
One- guy is insecure as fuck. Block and be done. Two- do let people know that this is how you communicate.
First a question .. How do you text people from your google drive ??
I have been in the tech industry for 20 years and have no idea what you are on about.
Second.. Yes you probably did dodge a bullet there and you got lucky .. bit you could just of easily missed out in the love of your life.
You admit you have poor digital communication skills and in this day and age with the fast pace of OLD ect it can be a real problem..
so Yes .. you should definitely be upfront to someone about your digital communication shortcomings and preferences .. it can save you and them alot of drama.
Are you sure this is an adult? They aren’t behaving like an adult.
This is a them thing. They just sound fairly unstable or insecure. People need to chill out, honestly even if you did stop responding right away people need to move on with their life.
First: That guy is unhinged. Definitely dodged a bullet
Second (for the future): The first phase of OLD is the chat by text phase. You’re trying to get to know each other to determine if you want to meet in person. The only way to do this is to put some time and effort into the conversation. If you don’t (i.e. frequently taking a day to respond) you will come across as uninterested and most guys will simply move on.
As a busy person who does not enjoy texting as well, I found this to be difficult for me. I had to remember to put an effort to check my phone, put time aside to chat and build rapport with potential dates. I did let them know I was a busy person, not the best texter, and as a mom I wouldn’t text on certain nights. But that needed to be met with effort on my part to make sure I was available at other times. “This is how I am” with no effort to try to meet them halfway doesn’t often fly.
Edit: words
Depending on my mood I’ve done both. Sometimes I’ve explained my side, and why I think their behaviour was uncalled for. And other times I’ve blocked them without a word and moved on with my life. I do find that the ones I texted back, escalate their crazy when called out on their bullshit. For me, the point in telling them, wasn’t to work past it, but to let them know they were wrong, and maybe help them in the future, and also admittedly to defend my own actions at least a bit. I don’t think it was ever taken in the constructive way I’d intended it though.
I used to be more likely to respond, but now I usually just block. Unless I happen to be in a “watch the world burn” type of mood.
I appreciate the fact that you do give 100% to where you are in the present. This is such a turn off romantically and otherwise but the fact is people are so conditioned to be on the phone they don’t even realize they’re doing it.
I want to be more intentional about this in the future. I think you definitely dodged a bullet but can also be more upfront about this in the future.
he was aggressive and should’ve just accepted that you had “ghosted” him, but yeah if you don’t tell the other person that it’s not your real number and that you don’t check it often, it’s a pretty fair assumption to be made. Even if your reasoning is sound, 99% of people who don’t reply to a text for 24 hours on a weekend are, in fact, ignoring you.
I would definitely be upfront about something like that because while it’s totally fine and commendable to stay off your phone the entire day, it’s unusual, unexpected, and without explanation is likely to make some people feel shitty about themselves.
If you knew you were having a conversation with them on google drive… why didnt you check your google drive all day? I think your reason isnt very good in the best case, and complete bullshit in the worst case. I think you did it on purpose because you were’nt very interested in the first place.
And the attitude from the ones above saying: “You dont owe him anything” Is true, but its a horrible attitude to have when you’re trying to find a partner. Its a give and take, and that attitude doesnt fly. You do owe respect, if you’re wanting it in return. Those people will die alone and miserable with that attitude.
i normally don’t believe when somebody says they’re a “bad texter” or “didn’t get the messages.” everyone is on their phones several hours a day. they know about the messages. but you indicated that turning off notifications is something you do because you used to be on it all the time around people instead of being present. I’m inclined to believe you here, and good for you for making the effort. also good for you for trying empathize with the why the guy might be acting the way he is.
there’s really no excuse for him, though. guys that get that worked up about this a) have few dating prospects (likely for a reason) and b) tend to be perpetually aggrieved about something. this guy, he’s not a very strong guy. i think your “dodged a bullet” take is probably the correct one.
in the future, maybe direct communication to an app for which you normally do have notifications when not with people and check more frequently. this will avoid confusion when a better man comes around.
It sounds like the guy has attachment issues. Based on your story, you didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have to explain anything.
I’m the same as you and I run into this same problem. There’s so many people in the world that just don’t understand they’re not the center of the universe and if you send me a text message a text message there’s a very good chance my response will not be immediate. My close friends are aware if they need to get ahold of me they’re better off just calling me.
It is funny when people think you blocked them and they continue texting as if you’ll never see it. Clearly they don’t know if they’re blocked they wouldnt be able to keep sending more messages, especially on dating apps.
Unless you want them to feel a little stupid for overreacting there really isn’t a reason to continue talking to them. Then again they might just think you only responded bc they called you out.
You are clearly a very caring and empathetic person. This guy reacted in a very immature way. It’s his loss, and agree that you dodged a bullet.
Lol, been blocked for not responding to someone in a few hours before, also accused of ghosting for the same reason, it’s not worth it.
I do appreciate you humanizing the person and trying to understand where they’re coming from though. You often people don’t do that in online dating and especially here.
Just wanna say love how you said you turn notifications off when you’re with important people in your life. I am the same! It helps and it points out the childish people like this guy. He clearly showed you what he is still childish. Clearly some on these OLD apps don’t get some of us have a job and life outside these OLD apps. Yes i am the same i also assume other folks understand texts don’t require an immediate response. Especially in the OLD world! Now important people in my life yes,they get an immediate response! Good luck to you it’s crazy out there clearly alot on the OLD apps haven’t healed and may need some therapy from bad past relationships.
What would Reddit do…
I responded to a post about ppl simply being busy and not attached to their messages, depending on what they are doing and who they are with.
Yes you dodged a bullet. I’d let him know…
Hey.. not everyone is going to match the way you communicate or your expectations of communicating- we’re not compatible there and that appears to be very important to you.
It’s no crime to not be compatible- best to you.
I actually said that to someone who went off on me who was mad that I don’t answer when he calls me…. We hadn’t met in person and I had plans in place when he got my text app #…
He was very upset I isn’t asked him out but he never answered my q’s about his availability and when he was feee…
The two times I asked him, he wasn’t available-
I guess he expected me to keep asking him so he could say no until he said yes…
Either way- him being so mad at me was a sign that I wasn’t going to get along with this person and he was trippin-
You dodged a bullet lol
No that behavior is indicative of BPD.
No. You should never have to explain yourself to someone you are just getting to know. This behaviour is indicative of a very controlling/insecure (both) person. No point in even replying tbh. That’s his journey to figure out. You can always just say though if you think he’s decent enough to deserve the clue, something like: “for your information I take awhile to reply but had no intention to ghost you. After what you wrote though, I no longer care to continue. Best wishes”.
IMO, people ghost all the time and it can be infuriating. I’m not surprised if someone loses their shit once in a while. I would cut him some slack and explain and see what he says. Even if you’re not interested in continuing the conversation, I think it’s the humane thing to do.
I would mention that you don’t check your texts all the time and might take a while to reply. I find it nice to know so I can adjust my expectations. I wouldn’t bother explaining myself to this person, if I were you, but I don’t see the harm in telling people “hey, by the way, I don’t check my messages all that often, so if I don’t text back for a few hours, don’t send out the rescue squad just yet”.
I’m the same as you. I generally keep messaging in the app until meeting in person but sometimes use Google voice. I usually try to set twice a day to respond to messages but sometimes it’s only once. Unfortunately doesn’t leave a lot of back and forth time. People close to me all know that I view my phone as a slave to me, I’m not a slave to it. The only notifications I get are phone calls from contacts and when my litter robot needs emptied. It means I’m 100% focused when I’m in person with a person but slow on messaging. I don’t like having long deep conversations over text either. I view text as a way to coordinate meeting or quick reminders. I do usually tell people fairly early on that I only message once or twice a day so they know ahead of time. On a first date I’ll get more into my communication preferences and reasoning. There is room to find middle ground but I’ve also found that being clear helps a lot.
His reaction means it obviously wasn’t going to work between you two. When I’ve gotten reactions like that sometimes I remind them that I told them I don’t message often and sometimes I block and move on. Depends on the person, how our previous communication was and their exact reaction. The right person will understand that you’re an erratic texter and not get worked up about it
Just relax, this is normal nowadays. I (31M) have had numerous cases when a girl ghosts/unmatches me on apps if I don’t respond within 1h max. Considering it was during working hours, I can’t imagine someone being so insecure to not understand that other people need to work during working hours and not chat all the time. Sure, I had time during lunch to respond to their messages, saw like 3 message notifications from them, went on the app, match was gone 😀 I mean, yeah, unless it makes you really uncomfortable and worried about safety, then just brush it off. Guys do it, girls do it, no big deal in this day and age when many people are messed up and not ready to date altogether.
You dodged a bullet here for sure, and you don’t owe anyone an upfront explanation of your texting patterns. That said, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t set up some sort of notification for Google Voice even if you turn them off while enjoying life in-person with others. As a not-big-on-texting person even I would be frustrated after 12+ hours of no acknowledgment once numbers had been exchanged (Google Voice or otherwise). His response is disproportionate but I’d be bummed/frustrated too.
Haha, I’ve had such unhinged reactions after 4h… such people clearly do t mesh with my style of communicating 🤷♀️
But if I care enough, I let them know upfront that I am lousy at keeping in touch.
Ghosting isn’t ceasing communication with someone that you met once, have been texting, or even someone you’ve been on a few dates with. Ghosting is when you’re legit attached to someone and they bounce without a sound.
People need to manage their expectations and emotions in a much more adult way.
I can’t stand people who think like this:
“You ghosted me! How dare you???”
“We matched on Tinder of all fucking places like 4 fucking days ago, exchanged 3-4 messages and I wasn’t feeling it. Please don’t fucking talk to me anymore…”
It’s awesome when the trash takes itself out.
This is all within a single day? No way. People have stuff to do in real life. If it’s someone you’ve just met and you don’t already have a routine channel of communication, you absolutely positively do not owe them a response on any kind of timetable.
gotta be upfront about your communication style. if i text you and haven’t heard from you all day, i’d assume disinterest and move on.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. I don’t text a lot prior to meeting someone in person. I will give my number out though. If anyone is expecting super prompt responses or long text convos prior to meeting they aren’t for me. I do like to meet within a few days of matching and chatting. His behavior was a major red flag.
Yikes well his part was definitely an overreaction. Absolutely nothing worth salvaging imo, I would just move on.
However, this is a good lesson learned ahead of meeting someone you might actually really like. Most folks usually see day long delays in response as a lack of interest. Maybe you can try to check in at least a couple of times a day moving forward?
You can send him a message telling him you don’t have notifications on, as well as telling him his reaction was immature and insecure. Tell him you don’t want to hear from him again and block him.
It’s a lesson for the future, no more no less. You don’t owe him an explanation, but you would have been checking that drive if you really cared (not that it’s a problem that you didn’t, ijs).
So I think that when dating responses within at maximum 12 hours show appropriate interest. I would not have messaged anything about it but likely if someone thought a lack of response for 24hours was an appropriate amount I would probably not be interested in texting them again once they did respond. That’s also about how much effort you think I’m worth, and if you think I’m worth compromising a bit for. I’m also a terrible texter but I’m not going to leave someone hanging for 24 hours. You need to show some interest and effort to get some back and I think if you were very interested you would put more effort in. Turns out this guy really wasn’t worth that effort but you will also inevitably miss out on people who know their self worth and will move on when they don’t receive the basic care they need to grow their interest in you.
P.s. anyone who tells me they don’t text often and tries to warn me about their lack of communication skills I take that seriously and move on.
Just wanted to add that if he’s saying those kinds of hurtful things now, what happens when he’s really invested?
Feeling hurt that you hadn’t responded is absolutely ok, lashing out and hurting others is not. In my personal experience it only gets worse from there.
I’d suggest you just block and move on. He’s shown you who he is. An insecure whiner. Believe him.
The accusatory tone of his last message to me, as a guy, is a red flag. He sounds controlling and manipulative. I mean, what is the purpose of him trying to be a dick in his last message? To teach a lesson? Maybe he was drunk? But either way, doesn’t send a very mature and chill message.
I think you dodged a bullet.
I am upfront about my text communication behaviors and phone call behaviors, what the person can expect and ask that they share their preferences as well. I discuss this when I can tell we want to go on a date. To me these differences are usually big enough to be a deal breaker. I am a rapid fire texter and love communicating through text. I would be a terrible match for a man who only wants to talk in person or on the phone. Discussing phone habits and expectations even before a date is important to me.
So, I might go against the grain here but yeah, I do think you should let people you meet online know that you’re often not online. In the end, texting etiquette is a thing and if you’ve met on an app then it’s normal to expect a text back at least within 24 hours. But if you give them a heads up ahead of time they’ll temper their reaction.
Block him for real. And delete. Even if you explain to him that you’re not a good texter he will constantly tell you if you lied him or cared about him that you would do XYZ. It’s exhausting. I’ve been there countless times because I genuinely am. Horrible texter. Between ADHD and being a working Mom my Brain can only hold so much space.