My husband and I are both 25 and we’ve been married almost a year. We had a baby last year September and had my tubes tied along with the birth. I have absolutely no sex drive and just the thought of sex or anything related to it repulses me. It happened suddenly and it’s been going on since February. I have no idea what to do and I can see that it’s affecting our marriage badly.
I love my husband very much but I can’t give him what he wants. I’ve had this discussion with him multiple times and he still pressures me about it, which I can understand to an extent… I don’t want him to look for a good time with someone else because that will break me. It makes me feel like a shitty wife. We constantly argue and aren’t as affectionate as we once were.
If anyone has been through this, I’d love to hear how the problem was resolved. I want to make love to my husband again and be able to initiate it.
TIA <3
28 comments
I would suggest counseling.
If you don’t want to try that, ask this exact same thing on /r/DeadBedrooms
Is there anything you could do other than PIV?
Have you spoken to a doctor about this? Could it be medication (some medication can absolutely ruin your sex drive or any interest in sex), it could also be to do with your hormones. Sudden changes usually have a reason though they can be hard to find what’s caused them.
Also couples counselling could prove helpful it not like you can just switch how you feel off regardless of the cause, that just can’t happen.
Him pressuring you will not help either and he needs to understand that. Your not doing it intentionally and you shouldn’t be pressured about something your not comfortable doing, counselling may help him understand things better and aid communication.
[m] They don’t give you a little guide booklet after a child is born to help you work through these issues. It would be nice if they did because you are not the only person to experience this. I just persevered through knowing sex would bounce back whenever it did.
Counseling and doctor’s advice first, and if they don’t help you need to let him discreetly step out.
This sounds hormonal, get a referral for a endocrinologist
I know exactly what you mean, my son is 3 and since he was born my drive is non existent. When sex is mentioned I get the “ugh” feeling like it’s a chore I don’t want to do when that’s not how it is at all. My hormones have seemed to be out of wack since and I do have bpd and mdd as well as some other things so I feel like all of those contribute to just not wanting to. I just got put on wellbutrin (though it’s basically an antidepressant it does help with sex drive too) and progesterone pills on top of my copper iud and in noticing a huge change in desire already
I would definitely suggest seeing a doctor. Especially since you know you’re feeling off. You don’t owe anyone sex, but you also should be part of a solution for him. Those urges are hard to ignore and moral obligation can pretty easily give way. Expecting him to go from 100-0 is unrealistic even if everything else in your marriage is perfect.
Are you breastfeeding or pumping? On hormonal birth control? For me, my sex drive was completely zapped until I stopped breastfeeding. A couple months after weaning my last, I could feel it coming back. It sounds hormonal. Good luck mama.
It took my wife a SOLID year for her sex drive to come back. Even then it only trickled. It wasn’t until she started exercising regularly and have a good mom-baby-life balance that things finally evened out to regular sex.
Divorce solved my problem. Either you get so you want sex, talk to a Dr maybe hormones or therapy, send letting him get it somewhere else is out so your relationship is more then likely over.
Go see a doctor before throwing everything away. It’s treatable if you want.
[M] here. I was recently put on antidepressants and it has caused this with me. Hormonal changes. Now im back to pretty stable, and my wife is the one who is too drained from work etc.
Lack of sex is ruining my life.
Fix it or he is going to reach that point where he will look elsewhere to satisfy his needs. AKA cheat on you but you can’t really blame him cause you essentially brought this upon yourself.
See your family doctor.
well OP, at least you recognize the problem and you say you want to change, now it’s time to actually do something about it. go see your doctor and get referrals to specialists if needed. maybe a prescription for low dose Testosterone will increase your libido. I don’t really understand how you can say that you want to make love and be intimate, but apparently you can’t force yourself to? most people hate washing the dishes or cleaning the toilet or going to work at some shitty job everyday, but we still do it, and we certainly don’t love the dishes or toilet like we do our partner. sex is no different than doing the dishes or cleaning the toilet. forcing yourself to do something even when it’s uncomfortable or you don’t feel like it is part of life, most people do it a couple times a day. it’s not your husband forcing you to do it, it would be you, forcing yourself to do it because YOU WANT to provide intimacy for him. a lot of women are “forcing themselves” to have sex with their partners, or acting like they’re enjoying sex. it’s not hard to go through the motions, you don’t have to be Hollywood or Broadway caliber to act like you’re enjoying something. these acts are literally things that you say you want to do. anyways, go see some doctors asap, and don’t stop until you find something that works.
if Elon Musk said he’d pay you $1,000,000 to watch you suck your husband’s dick right now… i’m pretty sure you’d start suckin’ immediately and put on one hell of a show. but… you can’t do it out of love for free? CAN’T?? like impossible CAN’T? hmmm. like even if your life or marriage depended on it CAN’T?
wanting to have sex, actually desiring sex… are not required to actually perform the acts.
The FDA has approved a daily pill called flibanserin (Addyi) — originally developed as an antidepressant — as a treatment for low sexual desire in premenopausal women.
Addyi may boost sex drive in women with low sexual desire who find the experience distressing. Potentially serious side effects include low blood pressure, dizziness and fainting. These side effects may occur especially if the drug is mixed with alcohol. The FDA recommends avoiding alcohol use if you take this drug. Experts recommend that you stop taking the drug if you don’t notice an improved sex drive after eight weeks.
Let’s lose the word “sex drive” thanks to men we have the word tied to us to make us feel less than. Let’s focus on the words “sex desire.”
Why aren’t you feeling desire anymore? It’s got to be something major for you to feel this way.
How about you let him have sex with someone else?
After our second it took 18 months before my wife would even touch me. She didn’t even want to kiss or hold hands.
Then suddenly she did. We weren’t in a great spot because there was zero intimacy. I was working too much and then something in her switched back on and then we were good.
After my youngest child was born it was the exact opposite. She was ready to go almost immediately. I had to hit the brakes because 2 days after giving birth was way too soon. It was the strangest experience having to say no when for 18 months I had been completely shut down.
My wife was just wore out, hell we both were. After we found a better groove everything came back in a hurry, but we had to make time for each other. That was tough because nearest family was a 14 hour drive or a 4 hours on a plane.
This is your mind in maternal/care giving mode, which does not coexist with reproductive drive.
I have one word for him: PROLACTIN. Prolactin is why you don’t want to have sex, it’s also why infants thrived since the inception of mammal occupation for millions of years.
Talk to your doctor, talk to a therapist, something.
Lack of sex will break a marriage, it broke mine and left me a mess with big trust issues.
There is some hope, at least he hasn’t stopped trying to have sex with you. Once he stops trying to have sex with you or he worse avoids being in sexual situations with you it’s pretty much over even if he doesn’t cheat.
The good news here is you WANT help with this. I just went through the same thing with my husband and just got my libido back after way too long (like 2 years). I went from high sex drive to zero – I didn’t even want to masturbate. The worst part is the effect it had on my husband. Naturally, he thought it had something to do with him. I love him very much and never lost any kind of feelings or anything- was and am much VERY much attracted to him, just no desire for anything sexual. Here are things that I believe helped:
1) breastfeeding- if you’re nursing, a chemical called prolactin is released which unfortunately, kills a woman’s sex drive. Not saying stop if you’re nursing. I cut back to only at bed and in the morning.
2) tell your doctor what’s happening.
3) we scheduled sex. Even though I was not in the mood, I tried it and it felt good. Once we got going it was ok. These were not long, drawn out sessions. We gradually worked on this.
4)I think I had sone post-partum depression I didn’t know about (and already suffer from anxiety). My doctor started me on Wellbutrin about 2-3 months ago. I didn’t know at the time, but apparently the stuff can really help in the area of sexual dysfunction in woman (and let’s face it, there’s not a whole lot of treatment for woman out there with this kind of thing). I have a generally better mental state.
5) without any expectation of sex, we snuggled at night naked or at least half naked. This releases feel good chemicals in the brain.
6) LOTS of communication.
I don’t know what happened, maybe a combination of all of the above mixed with my husband just being so patient and empathetic with me even though I know it was very hard for him, but it’s like something just clicked one night. Things have been pretty insane ever since in terms of my drive (it doesn’t seem to have a turn off switch).
So just hang in there – share this info with your husband. Explain that this is something you two can get through – I’m not gonna lie, it was really hard, but it is possible. Try to be affectionate and understanding of each other. It’s truly hard for BOTH parties especially when it’s obvious the love is still there.
Sounds like you are touched out. Maybe trying doing things to please him that don’t involve him touching you.
Please go get your hormones checked!
My girlfriend and i finally just broke up and a big factor was her suddenly stopping being intimate with me. Just from 100 to 0. Not the only factor, and I won’t get into the whole thing,but I just always missed being able to be close to her in that way. It was maddening sometimes. And I know she felt bad but eventually it just became unsustainable. I felt like i failed her. I’m sure she has similar feelings.
She wouldn’t try therapy or anything though and any time i tried to talk or understand she got mad. So I guess all I can say is try to remember he loves you.
I wish you luck. Sincerely. My ex would say “it’s just sex.” But to me it wasn’t JUST sex. It was sex with her.
Same but it’s my drive that’s high
You are a very thoughtful wife.