Just wanting sex makes me feel guilty. I’m 31 (m) and I got out of a long relationship where she stopped having sex with me. She started out being really intimate then it slowed down and finally it was no sex. I love her. So god damn much. So i tried to be in a sexless relationship. To be fair she still tried to accomodate me but I wanted romance not orgasms. And frankly she didn’t try that hard, but I can’t blame her if she wasn’t feeling what i was. It was soul crushing though.
Long story short we broke up. For many reasons but in my view the sex thing was a huge part. And here i am trying to date and it’s almost like women who actually like sex are allergic to me. It’s starting to feel like my hopes for sex will always be met with annoyance or rejection. I don’t want casual sex either. For me it’s about being with someone I care for and expressing my love physically. I know that’s literally irrational to fear that no one will ever want to have sex with me or think I’m attractive but here i am. my confidence is deflating fast.
On top of being heart broken over the recent break up I guess i feel fragile. I just want to meet a nice person who actually likes sex with me.
I feel like I’m inadequate or unattractive and I’m getting really depressed. I’ve perused the sub and there are other posts like this but none quite gave me the answers or at least direction to go. I know therapy might help but I also feel like I just need to find the right person.
Does anyone have any experience with these kinds of feelings? How did you deal with them? I have actually been working on myself really hard. I’ve been going out and using tinder. My work life is good, I have good friends, I just don’t have this one important thing and it’s burning a hole in my heart. Idk. Maybe it’s all a complicated mess with the breakup. She honestly messed with my head over sex. Not intentionally, usually. But yeah, I’m just feeling so hopeless here.
3 comments
I think I am in a similar place but I came to terms that what we are looking for is not going to happen in a day/week/month.
You want to have a deep connection with whom you gonna have sex. That’s great.
Regarding the rejection, maybe don’t talk about deep connection sex on a first date 😅.
“Find the right”, I don’t think that “the one/right person” is gonna have shiny aura around them so you can spot them right away.
There are a couple of factors at play, but I’m going to try to hit what I think is the main point.
You want a deeply involved and romantic relationship? A partner for life? Forever? Get serious about it. Get really damned serious. Put your life in order, envision as accurately as possible what you want your life to look like in the next 3-5 years.
You’ve already realized that you’re in a rut and you got yourself stuck there. That’s a great start. Get mad about it. Get angry at yourself and the predicament you’re in. Let it fuel your desire to change and get gritty about it.
Spend 20 hours writing out every quality you want in your future partner. Be as detailed and specific as possible. Then spend another 50 hours turning that into a genuine, well thought out dating profile. It’s not a walk in the park. 70 hours is nothing in the grand scheme of a life partner.
Women sharing your values with come naturally attracted to you when they see your values confidently and clearly laid out in front of them.
It’s unlikely Tinder contains the type of person you’re seeking. It’s not impossible, but unlikely. If you want a long term forever partner, look in the places where the odds aren’t stacked against you. Tinder is more of a casual scene.
Make the conscious decision to get your shit together, then do something about it. You can blame hardship on any people or external sources. That will get you no where because you’ve chosen to let it affect you. Therapy can help with this, but a therapist is more of a guide than a solution. You need to figure out the answers and solutions yourself.
Hope this helps. Good luck out there.
M37 – I am in a similar place, 8 months out from a 11 year relationship that was abusive to where my needs were disregarded, not just sex, but in the whole relationship and for the last two years of the relationship I felt alone and abandoned, controlled and manipulated getting little affection and no intimacy. All I wanted was to feel connection and that the other person actually attracted to me and wanted me.
It’s hard, I am living alone and the feeling of being alone / loneliness is hard. I definitely want to find another partner in the future but like you I have a worry that I might be alone forever and belief that I have very little to offer anyone. I think it comes from lack of confidence and lack of self-love.
It’s hard because my previous relationship messed up my head about relationship expectations, sexual expectations, everything basically.
I haven’t got the the point of starting dating again yet. I am still trying to rebuild my confidence. I’m not interested in casual relationships at all, I want a serious relationship where there is a with strong connection and where both people are committed to improving each other lives.
I don’t have a lot of advice for you except, you are not alone in going through this sort of situation. You mention that your desire for sex is intrusive in the title. Maybe focusing more on an emotional connection first may help.
Therapy can help but it can’t fix the problems for you, I am in therapy and it helps you to think about things in different ways and gives you direction.