This post is basically to ask for any advice on the course of action I am taking, I would like to hear different opinions and give as much information as is needed. Let me know if you have any other questions.Family DynamicTo preface this, I want to say that this behavior was not really a shock, but the execution was. I (24M) caught my mother (49F) cheating on my dad (64M). The reason this isn’t a surprise is that I believe my mom to be a horrible person. The symptoms of a narcissist fit so well (haven’t been diagnosed yet). Growing up, my sister (18M) and I experienced a big blow due to this. Mainly because I was the golden child and she was the scapegoat. She slowly succumbed to depression and suicide. I wasn’t the best character back then due to ingrained thoughts from my mother that I have been apologizing to my sister about, and we have gotten closer since. I ignored my sister’s depression growing up until I saw it for myself and it shattered my heart to see her in that state. I began to take action, found her a good therapist, and authorized that she needed to take her meds. I also communicated this to my parents, my mother had been seeking help for her before I stepped in, but the help she sought out wasn’t very helpful. Although, she continued to belittle my sister for her weight. Just the same as she belittled me and said some very atrocious things in the guess that I was homosexual. Even after my sister’s suicide attempts, she still fat-shames her. She is a compulsive liar as well, and always changes any story to make herself the victim in a way that it seems like she’s telling the truth. It’s pretty scary that she believes so whole-heartedly in her version of the truth with no remorse for her victims. I also communicated with my dad about my sister’s suicide attempts and showed the utmost empathy for my sister since that day. I could go on about how childish, and selfish my mother is. Recently, my sister’s mental health has drastically improved with the help of her therapist and meds. It almost magical to see her so genuinely happy.
The IncidentRecently I took a trip back home, the dynamic seemed normal. Mom was sulking, dad was vibing, and my sister was enjoying time with her friends. I asked my sister to go out to eat, and she remembers a memory of when she was a kid and my mom was mad at her. She sent down a paper airplane downstairs that said sorry, which my mom crumpled and threw out. My heart bled for her, but I assured her she wasn’t alone.It was finally time to leave the house, and for some reason, I got the urge to turn on the camera I had set up in my room. I set up this camera because my mom had tendencies to go through my stuff growing up and threw out what she didn’t like: my journal that was filled with sad entries, my twilight books, and my makeup to cover my bad acne at the time. She was sleeping in my room too when I was there after my sister’s last drastic suicide attempt that sent her to the hospital, so I thought it would be a good thing in case she goes through my stuff.I am back home away from my family. I see my mom deleted her Facebook but think nothing of it. I call my sister later in the morning to discuss a trip that she wanted to take to visit me, and I decide to just take a quick glance at the camera. I see myself in one of the shots from when I was setting it up, then I see my mother in bed. I notice that there seems to be something next to her. It looks like it’s just a bunched-up blanket with some pillows. I take a closer look and, notice, it’s another person! It seems to be a woman. I assume her friend just drank a bit too much and needed to sleep over. I ask my sister about it since she was home that night, and she says she doesn’t recall since she was just in her room playing video games. As I keep scrolling, I see the rest. There is intercourse happening, between my mom and this woman, in my room, while my dad and sister are in the house, on my bed. I attempt to not lose it in front of my sister, but she ends the call because her friend is calling her.Processing the informationThe processing was difficult. The initial shock almost sent me into a panic attack, the anger, the frustration, the despair. I quickly realize the most key part of all of this, is happening in the house, while my sister is home. I need to act, and I need to act fast. I call a friend who helps me process this and I begin to make very elaborate plans that involve kicking my mom out and telling my dad, talking to them together away from home. I realize, as the person she is, this would not work. I am even afraid she’ll threaten suicide/violence if she’s come to be completely irrational. She always talked about how much she’s helped my sister and how she was always there for her. Having her doing something like this is abandoning all morals. I reach out to my sister’s therapist to see if she can offer advice, and due to her confidentiality with my sister, she is unable to provide any advice, but she sends me some recommendations for some therapists.The planAfter going through the possible scenarios in my head I decided to go with the plan of finding help. My mom has rejected therapy before, but this time I am giving her an ultimatum. The plan is an ambush. I am flying in tonight, and have set up a therapy appointment in the morning. I will be stopping her before she can leave for work and ask her to come with me to the session politely, if this fails I will have to have her make the decision. She can come to therapy and see if it works out and tell my dad and sister when she is ready, or I can tell them and our family now. As a narcissist, her public image is very important, and I am hoping this goes toward her taking the helping hand I am giving her one last time. I informed the therapist about the situation and she is open to hearing us out and having a session, and taking my mom as a client if she wishes to continue to see her. This is the current plan, let me know what you guys think.
EDIT: My dad cheated on my mom when I was a kid
6 comments
This is mad messed up
I mean you’re an adult living outside of the house, your parents marriage isn’t your responsibility or honestly, any of your business.
Personally, I’d stay out of their dynamic and talk directly to my mom and tell her what I saw and how I see it and feel about it. She can do with that what she wants. But you trying to strong arm your mom into therapy and mental health treatment, when an affair isn’t life threatening, is way beyond the scope of what a son should be even approaching. And interfering with their marriage is also really pushing boundaries between child and parent. At most, sure tell your dad, but the action stops there.
If you don’t agree with your moms choices, then tell her you won’t talk to her while she lives like that FOR YOUR OWN SAKE. But don’t do this elaborate plan bullshit where you’re just escalating the drama and causing even more problems. You’re literally blackmailing your mom. That’s not an ultimatum, or a boundary, and is a bit narcissistic and manipulative as well to think you can hold that power over someone to make them do something that YOU think is best for them. Her son. Wtf. Allow other people their autonomy.
This is really going to bite you in the ass my dude.
Wait, I’m confused. You don’t live with your parents but you have a secret camera set up in their home?
Stay out of your parents relationship
If I was being cheated on and a family member knew, I’d expect them to tell me. Having them “stay out of my business” would just feel like I’ve been betrayed by two people. I mean, I would be more understanding of the difficult position my child, even an adult child is in. But I’d still feel betrayed to some extent.
You’re relationship with your mom is already in the crapper. Id do whatever you think best preserves your relationship with your dad. If that’s telling him, then that’s what I’d do.
Drop your plan for the ultimatum with your mom. That’s going to blow up in your face.
If your mother was doing this while your dad was in the house makes me think he knows about it and just does not care, it would be pretty bold if she did this without him knowing