Hello everyone,
I met a person online about two and a half weeks ago. We hit it off immediately and have daily hourly conversations on video. It’s been long distance, and we’re both committed to being in a long distance relationship that will hopefully end up in a committed marriage if all goes well. We’re both dating for marriage, so we both get to the point and talk about things that may affect a marriage.
I don’t really have a typical lifestyle, I’m self-employed and don’t want to be stuck in a nine to five job. I make decent amount of income, I live in a good area, but I’m not an easy “sell” for someone who’s looking for a guy my age who’s “stable.” My line of work is rather risky and I take big risks in my business, but for big rewards. She has the exact same mindset, she’s bohemian, very sharp, beautiful, and has fully accepted me for who I am.
But there’s two big issues:
1- She was in a nasty marriage/divorce (2 years ago) and it seems like she’s still emotionally traumatized from that marriage. On a daily basis she still talks about her previous marriage, the lessons she learned, the pain she went through, and how she healed. But I’m thinking if someone has healed from such a traumatic experience why keep talking about it? I’m worried that she still hasn’t fully moved on and is still very emotionally triggered by her previous marriage. Mind you, I never ask her about her previous marriage, she just always finds a way to reference her ex. In addition, she used to date around A LOT. She will talk about her exes that she used to do things with, like, “I used to have an ex that did this” or “I used to have an ex that lived there” or ” this ex got me headphones that I still use. ” I feel like a cu*k when she keeps talking about her exes. I don’t care about her exes. I have told her how I felt about this and she said that she’s going to try her best to stop talking about her past, but she still continues to do so. I understand we have not been in a relationship for a long time, but we interact on the daily quite intensely, and again, we’re both dating for marriage.
2- Finally, she doesn’t believe in the covid vaccination. If I met her 3 years ago before the pandemic and she didn’t believe in flu vaccinations, I wouldn’t think it was a big deal. She is vaccinated from all the major diseases, she gets flu vaccines, but she just particularly doesn’t like the covid vaccine and believes the trials were too fast. Ironically she works in the medical field (lab tech). I think if I met her at the start of the pandemic and she didn’t believe in covid vaccines I would be turned off, but it’s 2 years into the pandemic and I think we’re just all exhausted about the virus. My own sister isn’t vaccinated, my closest friend isn’t vaccinated, so I’m used to being around people very close to me who aren’t vaccinated. However, health safety and prevention is a big deal to me, and I guess this is the first time our generation has to think about pandemic response as a deal-breaker.
TLDR: Met a person online who accepts me (32 M) for who I am. I am trying to accept her (34 F) for who she is but she keeps bringing up past relationship experiences. She’s also anti-vax for covid (specifically), but how long are we going to keep caring if someone is covid anti-vax, it gets tiring.
3 comments
So what is your question here? Are you asking if you should be with someone who is not over their last relationship and who has fundamentally different beliefs on vaccinations than you do? Also, you barely know this woman. You started talking less than 3 weeks ago. This would not be a loss to end things.
Let’s tackle your big issues by number:
1. You’re just getting to know each other, so you’re going to be talking about the past for a while until you catch up to present. Relationships and marriage make up a large chunk of a person’s identity, and you’re both in your 30s, so there’s gonna be a lot to unpack there. It’s gonna require patience on your part. She may require a therapist to process this, but in the meantime, you’ll have to be a good listener who can also discourage her from repeating destructive cycles of thought, while discerning that not all mentions of exes are destructive. (also, if you feel like a c*ck listening to her, then that’s your problem. People have exes, and there’s nothing you can do about that.)
2. Totally your call. Like you said, not as much a red flag as it used to be, and something like this will matter more once you’re not long distance. You might have to suffer weird looks/conversations from friends. If you get covid, then giving it to her has more potentially dire consequences. If another pandemic happens, will she refuse that vaccine out of pure principle? Does she have other anti-science tendencies? Just things to consider.
Meet her in person first and then judge