I’m a 23M in the US. I’ve only had one serious relationship and that was in/just after high school, so it’s been 4-5 years now since I’ve been with anyone. There have been several times of me trying to flirt with or talk to a woman and she thinks I’m gay. Obviously that isn’t an insult, but just literally I am not.
I have to think of stereotypes for why people think this. I guess I take care of my hair and skin, like to dress nicely, I’m expressive with my hands when I talk, don’t have “straight male interests” like sports or cars, mostly have female friends, and am just not really a tough or confrontational personality. I listen to music like Clairo, Lana del Rey, Lorde, Phoebe Bridgers, Girl in Red etc. I’m in tune with my emotions and am less afraid to show them than maybe a normal straight dude.
I usually feel easier hanging out with women as friends. Men in my experience are always trying to out compete each other and it’s always a competition, or someone’s always pissed off or aggressive. And Im not interested in the stuff a lotta straight dudes stereotypically talk about like sports, cars, guns whatever. I’m really into hiking/camping etc. is about the “manliest” thing I’m into.
I had so many people for so long saying they thought I was gay that after a point I even started to wonder if I was. In a drunk moment I tried going along with a dude hitting on me once, was totally not into at all and halfway panicked trying. I am definitively not gay and entirely straight, but it’s like nobody believes me.
Especially when women I talk to with romantic or sexual interest just don’t even register that I’m flirting because they think I’m gay, it’s disheartening. But I really can’t change who I am either.
6 comments
>I guess I take care of my hair and skin, like to dress nicely, I’m expressive with my hands when I talk,
Whoa! Watch those hand gestures. They can be readily mistaken for flaunting a ‘gay vibe’ imo. There are plenty of masculine and neutral hand gestures for use when talking, perhaps you’ve slipped inadvertently over to gay hand lingo?
What, do your male buddies think of you? That you come across as not quite hetero?
Reading your description of male friendships is really cringe. Didn’t your dad or some male figure teach you how to socialise with other dudes?
I wouldn’t say those are feminine traits. Just cuz you like those things doesn’t make you any less of a man. Not all women like the same type of man. What they do like is someone who is confident in their skin/energy. Someone who can stand up for themselves, carry a conversation, gets things done and dress nice. Which I’m sure you have those qualities in your own unique way.
A man doesn’t have to be one thing/way to be considered a man or straight man in your case. Sure some women or people may not like how you are but who cares about their opinions. What matters most is how you feel about yourself. If you love who you authentically are; then some day a woman will.
I think it’s cool you compliment them on things they actually put effort in. Never apologize for being you.
They think you are gay because you don’t show sexual desire towards them. The reason is likely because you are afraid to show that.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way you are. I’m similar to you, and I’ve struggled a lot as well. A lot of other men aren’t going to be as receptive to you because we are still very much in a world where straight men are expected to present and perform their gender role and that is very narrow and rigid. The typical straight man will be really tough to relate to especially if you don’t share any hobbies with them.
When it comes to dating, it can be a little complicated because people are ultimately expecting an expression of sexual attraction. You seem like someone who is a bit more thoughtful and emotional, and that is going to be your main appeal, which is fine but in a society that prioritizes sex, especially where men see sex as a goal and people in general can’t separate sex from romance. Your appeal is going to be misunderstood and overlooked very often. The best way to deal with that is to lead with your emotions when you’re interested in someone and be clear about how they make you feel.
I don’t think you’re gay and I dated a man that has some feminine traits and he definitely was not gay. Don’t let anyone tell you what your identity is, and keep looking you’ll find someone