People saying they’ll do something and never getting around to it is one of my biggest pet peeves. My boyfriend hasn’t had a job in two years and he wants us to move in together.
I (23 F) have always been an over-achiever. I’ve always worked multiple jobs along with school and I’ve been volunteering for the past two years building up my resume. Right now I’m getting my masters and working two side gigs. I currently live at home while going to school and working. Next year I want to move to a different state. My goal is to secure a job or internship in the city so I have a reason to be there and a source of income. I want to start fresh/start my career.
I met my boyfriend during COVID. We are very very different people and I’ve always appreciated that about us. While I’m serious he’s more mellow. We’ve had our issues but we balance each other out and I love him. He’s my best friend. I just don’t know if I see a serious future with him.
My boyfriend wants to come with me wherever I move, even if it isn’t the city I originally planned on. I told him I might have to move somewhere rural for work and he said he would do that to be with me. That stresses me out a lot.
If he weren’t my boyfriend, I wouldn’t want to move in with him at all. He also lives at home and moving to another state with no plan sounds terrifying. He’s been job searching for two years now. I don’t know if he’s a dependable roommate let alone serious partner.
He kept giving himself a deadline to get a job and the deadline would inevitably pass. First was last august, then November, now this august is the most recent deadline. He doesn’t know how to drive either and he keeps saying he will take the permit “soon.” So I thought maybe I should gently let him know that there’s only 14 months or so until I was thinking about moving, he seemed genuinely surprised by how little time there was. That made me very anxious.
He has a big trust fund that he uses for all his expenses (mostly weed and food. He smokes every day which I know adds up) and I think that may be the reason he’s been delaying finding work that isn’t “perfect.” I’ve gotten him freelance work at my workplace but besides that nothing has happened. I feel really bad for him at this point. I don’t know if he needs help with his resume or finding positions. I want to help somehow because I want him to be happy but it isn’t my place. I worry he’s being too picky. It’s been two years now.
He has very severe COVID anxiety and has gotten angry at me when I had a false positive test. He can’t accept unemployment now because he willingly left his last job.
I don’t want to nag him because I know it’s hard. I was unemployed for four months after moving back home so I took a retail job and volunteered until something worked out. It’s also not my job as his girlfriend to nag. But I wish he would take on part time work so he can have at least some source of income. And I think the structure would help him with his ADHD.
17 comments
Oof. ADHD + dependency on Marijuana is not a winning combination for motivation. I don’t think he will be getting a job until he ABSOLUTELY has to. Unless he has a no other choice, I doubt he will take initiative. You can love someone where they’re at in life, but for someone so young and driven with no formal ties to this person… I would recommend you put serious thought into leaving him behind and moving on with your life.
If he can’t contribute to the relationship in a meaningful manner, is it really a relationship? What if you guys move, he doesn’t get a job, and you end up getting sick or injured for an extended period of time? Right now he’s expecting you to make all the sacrifices without doing much if anything for the two of you.
You know he’s not on the same page as you when it comes to life goals. If he’s causing you stress and anxiety why are you still with him ? What about you?? Are you happy with this situation?? And it doesn’t appear to be changing anytime soon. So it’s time to move on.
If he can’t contribute to a future then he doesn’t really want one does he?
Babe you need to leave, im sorry. In my ,and many others’, experience men dont date women they intend to have a future with when they’re not actively working on said future. In that instance they dont even take themselves seriously compared to other men so they cant take a woman seriously either.
He could just be keeping you around for comfort/companionship since he actually cant provide anything. He also might not respect you in the sense that you as a woman should only be taking seriously men who can provide for you present day as well as in the future.
The best thing you can do for him is back off. He knows what he needs to do but has no incentive to do it because he’s got a nice girl right there whose willing to coddle him like a mother.
If you want to get him off his ass then leave him. Tell him that you need someone who is able to provide and cant waste anymore time. He’ll hit you with a whole bunch of excuses about how he’ll “change” and “please don’t leave” him but I’ve seen this tale a thousand times before.
Watch how fast he moves his life up afterwards. Until then, focus on yourself. Focus on your career so that you always have something in your pocket, don’t get pregnant, explore your sensuality and femininity and get some hobbies to fill up your newly found free time and make some friends.
Godspeed
I would set some specific ultimatums. Get a permit/drivers licences in 30 days. Get ANY JOB within 60 days. Say you wont move in within him until he’s been employed for 6 months straight. Make it clear that you love him but you will not support him for the rest of his life. You are way too young to be tied down to a deadbeat. This is your time to build and shine, and if he wont do it with you now, he wont do it when he’s older and even more tied.
Trustafarian with no job who can’t drive? What a catch.
What is it you’re hoping this this turns into?
It’s okay to break up with someone because you don’t like their work ethic. You might just be incompatible.
Is his trust fund enough to fund his half of expenses or will you be moving in a fully grown dependent who smokes weed all day?
Imagine 10 years from now he is doing exactly the same things he is doing now, but the trust fund is depleted, or nearly so, and you have to carry him. He is still saying he has not found the perfect job but he will soon, he promises.
How do you feel about this scenario? If this is not where you want to be I would say you have some soul searching to do.
I didn’t read past the first paragraph. Don’t move in with someone without a job unless you’re OK with paying all the bills. And if they’re too lazy to get a job you’ll probably be doing all the housework yourself too.
Break up with him. Please dump him. He’s not going to be a good partner moving forward.
Didn’t even read past the first paragraph, dump him
The only thing for a person like him is to be in a situation where they have no choice other than to work. As long as there are people who will support him, he will indulge his weaknesses and put minimal effort into his life (making his depression worse because he has nothing to be proud of).
He needs to live on his own and depend on himself in order to grow up
Big nope. Run, don’t walk away.
NOPE. Do not move in. You’ll be his mommy not his girlfriend.
He wants a future with you.. as a leech
Fill in job applications for him, my bf wouldn’t get one for awhile either but I suggestive positions at places that don’t drug test and filled out his application for him and he’s been working since and it motivated him to work more so he could have good income