This will be a long post. I understand it may not meet every rule for posting in this sub but I’m really struggling and need some help. Sorry In advance.
Ever since I can remember I’ve longed for closeness and to have a romantic partner. I know I have an anxious attachment style and I’m working very hard to move it to secure as I’m sure this has a part to play in my long for closeness.
Over the past year there’s been around 4 girls who I’ve gotten along with well enough to date, one of which I have. But every single time it’s failed. I know this is an inevitable part of dating but it seems like I’m failing a lot sooner than other people might be. In 2 of these girls my attachment system has self sabotaged my position with them to the point of no return. But more recently I met a girl who I didn’t realise was special.
Girl number 4 was added from some dating website and we hadn’t spoken too much due to work reasons, but around 3/4 weeks ago we finally got to have some good chats and I discovered she was someone who I actually got along with well and would like to get to know better, the feeling was mutual.
I realised after a couple good weeks of conversations she was a person who was avoidant of feelings and possibly wasn’t the best match for me, but this didn’t stop me from wanting her badly as I was attracted to her and we got on so well. I feel when I want a relationship with someone I picture someone who is most importantly my best friend.
After finally getting to speak over discord playing a game, (had to have an online date due to how busy we both can be with work) I realised I REALLY liked her. The chemistry was really there and I was sure I wanted to invest my time with her.
However when it came to arranging a second ‘date’ she explained that she felt the vibe was more of a friend one and she wasn’t willing to give up her uni lifestyle of meeting random people too. This obviously hurt me as all rejections would, but it’s sticking with me and hurting a lot more than I realised?? I feel like I’m approaching relationships wrong because I have been frequently friend zoned in the past, not so much recently, but it’s definitely happened before. ++ this time I was even hoping if things didn’t work out we could stay friends !! Yet I still hurt so badly.
I understand with dating I should keep my options open and then it allows me to asses red flags and perhaps make more informed decisions, I kept my options open this time but I still couldn’t accept the red flags and maybe decide she want best? Even with the acknowledgement that she wasn’t the best option for me, I still wanted her desperately. Nobody has ever made me feel the way she does and every time I think of her I feel immense pain.
What I’m trying to ask you people here is if you can see any signs that I’m doing something , or little things, which can have a massive impact on the outcome of these half relationship things? Maybe this is just not meant to be, but I can’t help feel I’m doing something fundamentally wrong .
I’d also like to ask if anyone has any guesses as to why THIS GIRL in particular has caused me so much pain when friend-zoning me. As I’m really stuck.
PS. This girl and I have previously stated our want for each other sexually, so this platonic vibe is a shock for me.
TLDR:
– am I approaching relationships in such a way it’s making the friend zoning a lot more common
– why is this girl in particular friend zoning me causing me so much pain, when she’s not even that amazing. I just FEEL like I want her.
– is there anything else people can see me doing or something that maybe be wrong in my head that needs altering to help me become more successful