My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have a 6 year old son and 1 year old daughter. My husband came here from Iran 10 years ago. I was born and raised in the U.S., but I’d been to Iran twice during my childhood. We went to Iran 8 weeks ago, and it was supposed to be 4 weeks long. My husband decided to stay until my son has to start school. I came back 4 weeks ago with my daughter.
We were speaking today, and he was talking about how he doesn’t want to come back to the U.S (specifically West Virginia) just yet. 8 months ago we made the move from Queens to West Virginia for my job. We were very comfortable in Queens, with lots of friends & family, culture was alive, and everything felt homier. West Virginia is not the best, and my husband has had a really bad time adjusting. He doesn’t like it here at all. He suggested that he and my son move back to Queens for now, while my daughter and I stay in West Virginia until next year. I just want everyone’s thoughts on how to deal with this.
38 comments
It’s probably racist af toward him and he will never feel safe or welcome.
I can’t imagine a profession that would be worth moving from Queens to West Virginia. Colorado, Texas maybe, but West Virginia? Meth and Mountain Dew Mouth, no thanks.
Now on to my opinion/advice.
Is there anyway to start the transfer back to Queens citing familial strife due to the move? Maybe via fmla?
There’s a reason the pay is high – because no one wants to live there. He probably gets stared a lot and rightfully wonders if it’s a safe place for him and your children.
It must be really bad if he prefers to stay in Iran…
Do you earn enough to maintain two households? Or live somewhere where the commute is long but your husband doesn’t have to worry about being the victim of a hate crime everyday?
There is a bit to breakdown and more information needed. Is it feasible for you to move back to Queens next year? Why does he need to bring his son essentially splitting the family up?
Is there a way for you to work remotely? Are there other places to move to together that work just as well?
It is alarming he seems to be holding you hostage and saying he doesn’t want to come home and stay in Iran and then demand a move back to Queens. I totally get not feeling comfortable in Virginia as a minority, but he doesn’t seem to be giving options or alternatives with consideration of your family and work. Like Queens or nothing.
This needs to be a bigger discussion between you both
Wow. I don’t blame him a bit! WV is *terrible* and so incredibly racist! Your poor husband. Just let him go back to Queens, where he doesn’t have to worry about getting shot by some redneck. Start looking for another job in Queens or a remote job. I’m sorry one of your kids will end up spending at least part of the school year there. The school system is pathetic.
I don’t really have advice here. Just want to throw in my two cents, I’d probably have the same thoughts as him. West Virginia is very very VERY low on places I’d want to live in in the US. Especially coming from a very lively and diverse place like queens with anything and everything a few blocks away and all kinds of food. I know there is a large middle eastern population there as well and I don’t blame him for feeling more comfortable there than in some semi- backwards place like west Virginia. I’m not sure how much control you have over your situation, a good job is a good job and I’d imagine it’s not half bad if you were willing to move to west Virginia for it. Honestly, I’d refuse to move there as well. I’m a white passing Latino so I personally wouldn’t feel unsafe there but I certainly wouldn’t feel at home or near anything related to my culture
He’s more wants to feel like he’s in Iran between family and friends in Queens , probably living in West Virginia makes him lonely and away from your culture.
Sometimes quality of life is more important, especially when you’re living in a foreign country. No amount of money is worth feeling isolated or unwelcome all the time. You’re worried about the state of your marriage if he moves back, but consider what will happen if you make him stay. You can work something out, it’s not impossible.
Yea. It can be very hard to get children back from abroad if say your husband refuses to come home and Middle Eastern courts often favour the father.
I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want to live in West Virginia either
Could it be that he is more of a target of xenophobia and racism in WV? My little sister is from Iran, and the time she had to study in Eastern Germany was the worst of her life, because of all the hate she was getting from the natives. If your husband has to go through something like that all the time, I don’t blame him for not wanting to live there.
I hope everything works out for you and your family and you can go back to NY soon.
I moved from DC/VA to Florida, so I feel you. Luckily I haven’t experienced much racism and people here are generally very nice and polite. But it’s so devoid of culture. It’s like living on Country Bumpkin Island where everything is tropical and red.
I had to move because my mom is elderly and for some reason loves living in FL. If I could afford it, and if I could convince my mom to move back, I would go back to Northern VA so fast.
From your comments, you plan to move back to Queens in 2024. I say you take this to a marriage counselor with the intent to figure out how you make a long-distance marriage work for two years until you move back to Queens. Your husband and the kids should stay in Queens, and you should stay in the cheapest housing you can find in WV — rent a room if you need to. Sock away as much money as you can so it will feel worth it to have spent this time away from your family. Use your discretionary income and vacation time to go back home and visit them as often as you can. If you have the option to work remotely for a week at a time every so often, go stay with your family while you do that. I think this can work, but I think you should get professional guidance so you can make it as easy on yourselves as possible.
He wants to live in WV about as much as you want to live in Iran. To talk to a professional and decide what your first priority is as a married couple.
It sounds like you both agree that you want to move, but the timetable is the issue. My advice is to try and problem solve this together. What needs are met in queens that he’s not getting met in WV, and how can you meet those needs in the short term, since you can’t move right now because of your job?
If you both still have a lot of connections in queens and can find a way to make it affordable, and also not have the distance affect your marriage, maybe having a split household for a year is not a bad idea. However, if cost is an issue (I know my family couldn’t afford to be in two places at once) or if you are worried about losing connection with the long distance….is it possible to consider other more urban areas where you could both be happy for a year?
Where in WV do you live? If you live in the north part of the state, is moving to Pittsburgh feasable with your job? If in the eastern part of the state, how about the DC suburbs? Do either of these areas have the kind of community your husband would find welcoming and supportive? One plus of WV is that it is generally quite a cheap place to live. Would you be able to rent a studio apartment near your work in WV and commute home to see your husband and son in Pittsburgh/DC on the weekends? (NYC to WV is probably too long of a drive to do this regularly, but most parts of WV are within 3-5 hours of either Pittsburgh or DC so may be more feasable.)
IMO alexandria VA has a very diverse international community. It’s expensive to live there, but I can’t imagine worse than NYC
I’ve lived in West Virginia, I do not blame him.
i’m iranian and my dad went to college in west virginia. definitely makes sense as to why he’s more comfortable in queens. west virginia lacks diversity and is still very racist in many areas.
Of course he doesn’t want to return. WV is literally the least educated and one of the most racist hick states there is.
i dont understand this post…in the comments you seem completely supportive of his decision to stay in Iran and then move back to Queens and you seem very opposed to everyone telling you to move out of WV or get a new job even though you admittedly hate it there and plan to move out within a few years. Did you make this post just to complain about how much you dislike it there? What do you want us to say??
I lived there for years and I would rather have teeth drilled without numbing than go back for even a visit. I live in a red state that is known for being conservative and it still seems progressive by comparison. The schools are terrible, the economy is generally bad, and it’s one of the most racist places I’ve ever visited.
Job or family? Which is more important to you
How is your contract structured? Do you have exit penalties? Even with a contract they can’t literally force you to work for them. I’d honestly just admit moving to WV didn’t work out (shocking) and find a job back in NYC. If there are monetary penalities for leaving your current place, you should write it into the offer of your new job that they pay for the penalties.
West Virginia in general isn’t diverse. No wonder he doesn’t want to live there since he’s from Iran and your children are Iranian as well. Queens is extremely diverse and that’s why he felt comfortable.
Your kids will also deal with more racism in WV than NY.
Sounds like you may need to move.
Quality of life is honestly important. And if there’s anything the panini taught us is your mental health matters. I will say this: my parents did long distance for 5 years for work purposes. My dad traveled back every weekend or every other. They did it because it was a crazy good job and the retirement benefits were too good. They made it work. Was my dad tired? Yes. But they made it.
I say that to say get a counselor, make a clear plan for how to navigate this. I would say if the community is better in queens let your kids stay there. Travel back and forth and see if you can do remote work on Fridays. You can do this but your marriage won’t survive years in WV it sounds like
Queens vs West Virginia? No question most people would pick Queens as I have not heard many positive opinions of that state. In addition, once you live in Queens, or any of NYC, it is difficult to adjust to a slow paced town.
Yeah, I could see West Virginia being tough for him. Why don’t you all move back to Queens together?
I mean there are aspects of WV that are nice enough (hiking), but if I was Iranian, there is no way in hell I would want to live there. How is that not blatantly obvious to OP?
I think you’ll be lucky if he comes back from Iran at all.
I don’t blame him. I have several friends who are American but whose parents are from the Middle East, one from Iran actually, and they have a hard time in particular areas of the US. My friend who is Iranian-American was followed at gas stations and grocery stores when she lived in the middle of nowhere Midwest. She had enough of it and moved back to California.
But queens sucks so bad.
No one should have to live in West Virginia. You had better get him and your son back to USA before he decides to stay in Iran. From what I’ve read you could have a hard time getting your child back.
There’s obviously a difference in our situations but I agree with your husband. I’m a queer person and I grew up in the rural south. No amount of money could compensate for having to move somewhere where I’m seen as less of a person or worse, someone to be “dealt with” bc of who I am.
I’d at least seriously consider what he’s asking. If money is an issue (since nyc is hella fkn expensive) maybe in the mean time you both try to find a middle ground place to live. Somewhere not hyper expensive but also not somewhere he’ll be treated like an outsider or a threat. It would be awful to be separate for a few months but it might be worse for your whole family to feel the affects of dad feeing/being persecuted where you live now.
I’m so sorry your family has to deal with this. There are so many wonderful things about the south but this outweighs them all for a lot of people. I miss my home and my friends in the south all the time but i simply never felt safe there once I decided to just exist as myself instead of hiding. I hope you two find an answer that leaves your whole family safe and happy
West Virginia isn’t all that bad. Yes I live 30 minutes from it. It is nothing like Querns. I grew up moving around and I’d tell my spouse you need to hide the area a fair shake for at least 1-2 years. Then you see where life has you.
Oh Jesus christ
Look, I’m an Iranian, and I can completely understand him. New York is multicultural to the point where you never feel out of place. Additionally, many places like NC, CA, IL, TX, and AZ have decent Iranian population for an expat to be able to feel somewhat at home. West Virginia is definitely not like that, in addition to the fact that him being from the middle east could lead to him being antagonized and intimidated. I think his dislike of West Virginia is sensible. All that remains is how and where you can relocate.
Can i ask what part of WV you’re in? I lived in Morgantown for a few years because of work. While I was there I also traveled to Charleston, shepardstown, ranson, and a few other places.
I’m also a woman, foreign looking, and I only ever had pleasant experiences. Morgantown itself was very diverse . i worked at the school and there were many transfer students from the Middle East. The more rural areas were not diverse, but I never felt uncomfortable.
It really is a beautiful state. I’m sorry you guys don’t get to experience the beauty
I can’t blame him. I’m an African American and there are several states I would not live in including WV.