I (29f) have a really hard time handling my fiancé’s (31m) anger. For example, he asked me to get someone to come out and look at the dishwasher. (We had recently discovered it had not been ground properly). So I found a company, researched our area and found the top rated appliance repair company. I could make an appointment online which was a plus (hate talking on the phone, millennial problems). They sent me an email I did not see until the repair man was already working on the dishwasher that said that it would be a $150 diagnostic fee. I messaged my fiancé this and he went crazy saying how that’s way to much for grounding a wire. I again had not seen the email until that afternoon and he got mad because when he asked me on Monday how much it was I said they would probably quote me when they got there. Not realizing there was a price in my email. Then he is trying to call me and my phone is not receiving calls for some reason. I couldn’t even call out it would tell me the call failed ever time I tried. Which enraged him more. He started telling me I was ignoring his calls and started swearing at me. I was finally able to get a call to go through and he again was yelling at me and telling me how financially irresponsible I am and telling me how I lied to him. Now at this point I was getting stressed, anxious and scared (my dad had a lot of explosive anger outbursts when I was young. I don’t react well to people yelling or being angry at me). I didn’t have the strength to say it came out to $201 not just $150. He kept yelling about how I was scammed and he was going to call them and get the money back, etc. at which point he never said he was sorry. It’s not until our second call that he gives me a half hearted apology. After that call he’s asking me for the invoice. I fess up to it being $51 more. He then ends the conversation with “I will never ask you to handle anything of even remote importance again. And I will not accept responsibility for your deciding to lie. Leave me alone”. How do I handle this? I know I didn’t tell him it was $201 on the phone calls but he was so mad and I was scared to make it worse. This truly doesn’t feel like two partners it feels like I’m his kid and he has to deal with me when these types of arguments happen. Before I was with him I took care of myself for 12 years. I am competent, I have just never had to get repair men since I have lived in rentals until a year and a half ago. I had no idea what this repair should cost. Ugh, I hate it when these situations happen but I don’t know how to voice it in a way that will make him understand. Help.
26 comments
Is he always like this? This sounds much more like a him problem than you. It’s a simple mistake that he took to inappropriate proportions.
I would seriously consider the whole engagement if this is how normal arguments go.
It’s interesting you mention your dad also has explosive outbursts. You may think you aren’t apt to handle it because of that, but the truth is no one is or should. That is not normal and emotionally abusive. You may think it’s normal or acceptable because you grew up with it, but it’s not. You are in an abusive relationship.
That’s a good thing you aren’t married yet. I suggest you take this test to see what else. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
People make mistakes. Now I get it. I do shit without reading something properly and my partner made so many infuriating mistakes where I could have yelled, but I didn’t. Yelling does not accomplish anything.
When he is angry and starts yelling. Get him to stop. If he is not stopping with the yelling just simply walk away. Once he asks where you are going. Simply tell him that the conversation is on a hold and it will continue once he can talk to you like in a calmly manner.
If he fails that and this is keeps happening. Think really hard if can handle this behavior for the rest of your live. If children is something you want think if this is a behavior you want them to be around, to pick up or even worse receive.
Whatever the price, swearing at you and yelling at you is not a productive way to discuss this issue. It is pretty shocking that he decided that this one instance of you overpaying means you can’t handle anything of remote importance.
How much money would he have saved anyways for putting in a ground wire that he thought it was worth disparaging you like this.
I would explain to him when he is calm that yelling at you does not solve anything and the next time he is mad at you he should try to take a breath and communicate his feelings calmly and without personal attacks or hyperbole.
Your fiance is a psycho it’s only going to get worse.
You need to seriously reconsider marrying this man.
>Then he is trying to call me and my phone is not receiving calls for some reason. I couldn’t even call out it would tell me the call failed ever time I tried.
Try turning your phone off and back on. Make sure all apps are updated. I’m only saying this because you don’t need this happening in an emergency.
>He started telling me I was ignoring his calls and started swearing at me.
If you told him the phone was being weird and he said this, that’s gaslighting. He is also verbally abusive.
>Now at this point I was getting stressed, anxious and scared
You were (rightfully so) triggered by your fiance’s anger in part because of childhood trauma. If he knows this and still insist on acting this way, what is his actions saying?
>It’s not until our second call that he gives me a half hearted apology.
This is how abusers keep their victims. They apologize, some even promise that it will not happen again and it always does. Often abuse escalates.
Leave your fiance before it’s too late.
Jesus Christ it’s 200 dollars, that’s hardly the end of the world. Your fiance sounds like a real asshole.
OP healthy well adjusted people wouldnt normally get to the engaged-to-be-married stage with someone who yells at them and swears at them. Its not ok, and for a lot of people its a dealbreaker.
Because of your dad, you have sort of been trained to put up with that kind of abusive behaviour even tho it feels awful. Thats how your fiance has been able to stay in your life.
Feeling like youre a helpless child being yelled at by your dad, is not a healthy dynamic. It’s bad for your mental health and thats going to color other areas of your life if it continues.
I think you need to see a therapist to help you set a hard boundary on this. No one gets to treat you that way.
this will only get worse.
I always find it funny when people who are too inept to diagnose and fix a problem have the audacity to complain about the price. I mean if your fiance wasn’t so useless then you guys wouldn’t have to spend the money to fix it. I mean grounding something is just screwing a green wire to a metal ground….. People aren’t going to come to your house for free to fix your problems, they have a living to make too.
He is abusive. Is this the person you really want to marry? He has shown you who he is, now you need to decide is this the life you want.
Everyone makes mistakes. The fact that your fiance immediately assumes that you’re malicious/lying instead of assuming you made an innocent mistake is disturbing.
You are not a child and don’t deserve to be treated like one. You really don’t deserve to be yelled at. This isn’t a you problem. This is a him problem. He needs to get his anger issues straightened out and you can’t do that for him.
You should be able to talk to your partner about anything without fear. Tell him that when he displays anger you feel ______ (insert feeling) and that the next time he does that you will _______ (insert behavior in response to his anger).
Don’t marry him until you both have this worked out. This is only going to get worse. If you think it’s bad now while you’re engaged, just wait until he has you nailed down.
OP, I would very much be reevaluating your life with this man; while I’m not going to advise immediately breaking things off with him, you do need to have a long, serious conversation about respect, boundaries, and possible therapy for anger management. I’ve been with my wife, dating and married, for almost seven years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of ups and downs, we’ve both made mistakes, we’ve both dropped the ball on something or another at some point. Never, not once, not even a little bit, did either of us treat the other like your fiance treated you. I would never speak to my wife the way he spoke to you, precisely *because* I know my Father-in-law was prone to abusive explosions of anger.
Mistakes happen. They should be met with understanding, care, and a conversation about where things went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. The fact that his first reaction was to fly off the handle, followed by him making insulting and degrading comments about you, means he has an issue dealing with his anger. Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with if things don’t change?
Again, I would advise that you have a conversation about him getting some counseling for anger management; DO NOT let him convince you that his reaction was anything other than completely overblown, there was nothing “normal” about it. Then establish hard boundaries: He should NEVER speak to you that way again; it was insulting, it was demeaning, and it was patronizing as hell, and that’s also not a normal reaction.
If he’s not willing to make some changes, then I think it best if you part ways.
Look, your bf thinks that it’s acceptable to yell when angry, while it’s not. It’s highly unlikely he’ll understand no matter how you voice it.
You shouldn’t be EVER scared to tell your partner anything. If it has come to the point where you are scared, it’s already gone too far.
Also, people who “can’t control their anger” don’t exist so don’t buy it as an excuse. Believe me, no matter how much your bf’s boss annoys him, he never yells at him/her. Abusers only abuse those who don’t stand for themselves, who they sense are “weaker”. They never attempt to bite a bigger dog, only smaller ones.
So either you become a bigger dog for him and tell him to shut the fuck up each time he raises his voice, or you leave him for good. You won’t ever explain to him in any way that what he is doing is unacceptable. Because he does that exactly for the sake of doing that.
You want to be with immature abusive person, it will only get worse
Your fiancé is emotionally abusive. If anyone I knew was treating their child the way he’s treating you, I would call CPS – I’m sorry you had to grow up with this kind of behaviour. It isn’t normal or acceptable. You don’t deserve to be yelled at, or treated like you’re incompetent. Your fear and anxiety were completely justified responses.
I don’t think there’s any reasonable way to convince your fiancé, because his behaviour is unreasonable. And he likely understands very well that his angry explosions are inappropriate and disrespectful, but has decided that he doesn’t have to show you respect. For whatever reason, he doesn’t feel as though there are any consequences to treating you badly. (Does he yell at his friends, or his boss at work? Because that sounds like a good way to end up friendless and unemployed).
If you haven’t read it, I’d recommend checking out “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, which you can read for free [here](https://b-ok.cc/book/2544292/caa436). And if you ever feel unsafe with him, consider contacting a domestic abuse hotline to talk to someone about your options.
I would not marry this man, because he will very likely get worse after you’re married. There are plenty of wonderful people out there, and you deserve to find someone who will treat you with kindness and respect.
Don’t marry this douche!
It’s just a sign that means don’t marry this person , this person seems don’t Deserve to have a partner in his life
Run. No one should have to live with that. Get out.
If it was me in this position, this mistake is something my partner would get frustrated at, of course. But he would never, EVER speak to me the way your partner has. He sounds crazy.
It feels like you’re marrying a partner who replicates your Dad’s temper and because that’s familiar, it feels right. But this is not right, OP.
You’ve survived without this man and you can again. Best of luck.
Listen , don’t marry this one. Seriously.
That’s not normal loving behaviour and he has anger problems. Sounds like its a pattern of behaviour too.
I know it’s easy to say leave but please leave .
I am very scared for you. Please protect yourself any way you can
That’s not how you treat a child – that’s how your dad treated you. Your dad was being an asshole as is your man. As a child did you ever tell yourself “When I grow up I’ll never be with someone as cruel as my dad…”? Now’s the time to follow through
Sorry to say it but run, run as fast as you can, as far as you can. That exchange you have just had described my whole life for 8 years. I can assure you its not going to get better. It will get worse and worse. And I’d be saying this regardless of gender, or sexuality. Noone deserves to be treated like you are being treated. Please do not accept this as how you deserve to be treated cause it isn’t. Huge hugs. Feel free to DM me xx
Is this how you like to be treated? Someone who loves and cares about you will not treat you like this.