I am a monster.
Every few months I lash out on my husband and have been extremely disrespectful to him. I would call it verbal abuse.
We have a 2 year old toddler and the fights have gotten worse ever since she was born.
It’s usually me starting the arguments. I’m just naturally a moody person and I always think that my husband does not care about me or that he is not doing enough for me even though he is.
Guys I’m drowning here because I literally feel like a shitty person.
I’ve been going to therapy doesn’t seem like it’s helping? I mean I thought it was and I thought I was past the abuse because I have been able to stop myself a few times but no matter how much I try I always end up having these anger outbursts that turn into rage and I’m so mean to him.
I hate myself so much. I’m literally so MESSED UP.
The thing is everytime this happens I tell.myself it won’t ever happen again. But it does. Even if it happens less frequently it still happens and my husband does not deserve this. It happens a few days ago where I don’t know what came over me but I got really angry with him over nothing and said horrible things.
I will continue therapy and maybe change the focus to my anger but I’m scared nothing will help me and I’m scared that I’m just a lost cause.
He won’t really talk to me. Tells me I’m abusive and that he needs time to think about whether he wants to be with us or not.
Please any advice would be great. I want to be a better person not just for him but also for myself. I’m ashamed of me behaviour.
47 comments
If the therapy isn’t helping, try a different therapist or a different kind of therapy. What type are you doing right now?
Keep track of when these outbursts happen and what causes them. Try to find a throughline as to what is causing your outbursts, if you have a specific trigger, if it’s biologically based aka period/hormone related(you didn’t give your age, so this may not be relevant).
Even if you feel its over nothing, the truth of the matter is we don’t do things without reason. There is a reason for everything we do. They’re not always good reasons mind you, and many times we do things for really bad reasons, but there are reasons none the less. The sooner you can pin down your reasoning, the sooner you can find ways to deal with it.
You might need to talk to a psychiatrist. That being said, self control might be something you need practice on or being mindful of your actions and the triggers behind them.
>I always think that my husband does not care about me or that he is not doing enough for me even though he is.
Have him write you a letter telling you how much he cares about you so whenever you feel like he doesn’t, you can just read the note. Or if he’s gotten you something you cherish, hold it and remind yourself he cares. Write yourself a list of what he does for you so when you feel like he’s not doing enough, read and remind yourself.
When you feel like you’re about to blow up, go take time by yourself and do something relaxing. Find a relaxing hobby, drink, good, etc. Take the time to think before you lose your cool. Journaling may also help you calm down and help even out your moods.
Good luck.
Have you been diagnosed with anything? This sounds like my experience and a diagnosis helped because it got me into the right therapy.
You probably have an issue that has emotional dysregulation as a main feature. Luckily there is a ton of research that shows this is very treatable even if it means your general personality will probably always be a little moody so you might always have a little more conflict than the average person. But he knew who he married.
[deleted]
I always feel my boyfriend doesn’t care about me 2-5 days before my period. Everything that happens is his fault. Everything he does is wrong. Cleaning? You should be sitting here with me. Sitting? You should be more useful. Question about anything? You must hate me/my body/my actions/my personality.
It became worse ~6 months after I started hormonal birthcontrol and became better ~8 months after quitting that stuff. The baby may have triggered something in your body. Have the two of you ever found such a pattern?
Having read your follow up comments available thus far…you need to stick to the CBT. You can’t say it’s not working when you literally haven’t been consistently seeing someone. This stuff takes work on your part and not just while you’re sitting in the therapist’s office.
Also, you need to be thinking about your triggers. What is setting you off? Are you feeling out of control? Unheard? These rages aren’t coming from nowhere. Something is setting you off. And it could be that there’s a lot of buildup and you just then explode over something small.
I’d recommend that in addition to getting really serious about the CBT—like twice a week sessions and your homework in between—that you also look for some strategies like square breathing so you can self soothe. Only takes a few min so when you start feeling on edge, you can step away and do a few min of square breathing and get back under control.
1. Focus on a wall (or whole room if necessary). Find 6 different colors.
2. Using the alphabet, name a food (or animal, or city, or TV show, or name…) that begins with each letter
3. Mindful breathing. Focus on the rise and fall of your chest. Breathe in slowly for the count of 4, hold and Release for the count of 4
It sounds like you are already in therapy. Are you on medication? I’ve been with someone who had these same problems and they were always better when they were on their meds. A friend of mine said “I wish I had always been on medication because I would have been a better Dad. It didn’t change who I am, it just allowed me to be myself.”
Change the therapist if 2 years no results.
Get some meds to control outbursts. Even simple Magnesium +vit B supplement helps nerve system and lets to yell less.
And if you feel you are getting angry – exit the room, go to another room, punch the wall (pain helps to calm down), wash face with cold water, do whatever to get into controlled mood and return. Warn him in advance not to follow.
Is medication on the table?
Magic mushrooms work so well for a mood change. It’s like resetting your brain. It you live somewhere that it’s legal give it a try. Low dose so you don’t feel high or high dose if you’re down for it. Do the research. Best wishes for you.
My partner was like this, kind of still is, turns out she had MAJOR depression and was lashing out at me because I have no mental health issues and she just couldn’t handle that I can move through my life without thinking the world is out to get me. She made a rather rapid turn around once she started on meds, she’s had the dose upped three times so far.
Ask your therapist about EMDR therapy. Changed my life. There is a reason you are a “natural moody person” and that probably goes way back to some childhood trauma. At least research it a bit. It might change your life too. Good luck and best wishes for peace.
Can you control yourself with other people? A colleague pisses you off at work? Driving? Someone cutting in line? If so, you can regulate your emotions. You just do it to your husband because you think you can get away with it. Sounds like you need medication to help you control it and a better therapist who’ll be tougher on you. Whether you realise it or not, you’re making excuses for yourself in your post.
I hope your hubby is secretly recording you to get custody and to be free from you
As a male victim of domestic abuse, verbal and eventually physical.
The best thing you can do is tell him what’s going on and space because it’s not on him to fix you. He can be supportive but clearly you’re conscious enough to realize what you’re doing is toxic, which frankly, is more then what most victims probably experience.
You and your husband have a kid. Maintaining a double parent household is imperative for the best standard of living for your child. Take some time away to reflect on the good that your husband and your kid bring to your life. We’re all getting older and honestly most women would take your place in a heartbeat. A loving husband and child. Family.
I hear these kind of issues a lot with my straight male friends. Women are abusing their boyfriends and husbands and a lot of men are kind of turning away from dating and marriage all together. I’d be cognizant about who is giving you advice in your immediate surroundings. The dating game is impossible now a days.
I hope he leaves bc it’s better to stay away from an abusive and psychotic person
Good advice here to continue and be consistent with the therapy. That’s priority #1.
Next up, I would suggest going to see an endocrinologist. Skip your GP/primary and go see someone who specializes in hormones i.e. endocrinologist. If you can go to a university/teaching affiliated one, that’s better. I can relate to this a lot and my issues are based on hormones. I tend to lash out 7-10 days before my period (i.e. PMS) but I don’t know my period is due and so we don’t figure it out til a week later. I’m literally a monster when I have PMS. The fact that this started after a baby also suggests hormonal. Sure, people are moody, but in my experience women are burdened with hormonal issues that make them moody. (The word hysterical comes from Greek hystera meaning uterus).
I would also suggest talking to your therapist or GP/primary doc about seeing a psychiatrist. While you may be able to solve this with therapy (IF you’re consistent, you HAVE to give it a REAL shot), it may also be a chemical imbalance thing and you may need some type of medication.
This might be a mental/emotional issue, but it may very well be physical. I would try a three pronged approach and attack this problem right away so you can figure this out. Take ownership, do your best. And seek all the help you can get. Good luck!
When you said you got angry over nothing, what do you mean? Is this a slow build up?
You should not be in a relationship. Funny how all the comments say get therapy etc. If this was a man saying he abused his wife for no reason the comments would not be that light. No way.
It doesn’t really matter *why* you’re abusive in regards to your relationship with your husband or your child. He shouldn’t be with you, for his own sake. And he shouldn’t be with you for your child’s sake. You’re abusive and it’s not stopping, so they should leave and live together without you. Now, for your own individual sake, it *does* matter *why*. But that’s for you to figure out on your own, without subjecting your husband and child to your abuse in the process. You should separate from your husband while you figure out the *why* because this is unfair to him and your child. If a man was on here saying he was abusive to his wife and child and didn’t know why, I would be giving the same advice- divorce and figure that out on your own.
1. Way above reddit pay
2. Get the help you ALREADY KNOW YOU NEED. Don’t come on reddit and whine about it not working when you won’t commit.
3. You are an abuser, and aware of it. You know what you are doing is wrong, and you do it anyway. I hope he gets the kid and gets the f@#$ away from you. Because abusers all follow the same route. Verbal, emotional, physical. You will most likely move on to physical abuse next (If you haven’t already) and I worry for your family’s safety.
“The scary thing is when I am angry I am hesitant to try anything to calm me down. I am angry I just want to hurt my husband. Almost as if I blank out and I have zero control.”
4. Anyone here using excuses to treat this like anything other than serious abuse should consider who’s actions are being justified.
5. This whole thing smacks of a trap. Some proof that you are “Trying to change”. IF that is the case I hope he sees right through it, and leaves while you hold up your phone on this thread to prove you are seeking help.
6. If you are the husband to this admitted monster (Her words not mine) please read this comment and get the hell away from this person.
I am a survivor of mental and physical abusive from female partners. The sort of apathetic garbage I am seeing to your horrible behaviour is what keeps men like me quiet. F@#$ you and anyone here that thinks you can explain away abuse. Especially with bullshit excuses like hormones. That only works when you haven’t crossed the street to abuse. YOU ALREADY HAVE! I don’t care how horrible my abusers depression is if I am the victim. And no one should hold your hand and tell you it’s going to be ok.
You don’t deserve understanding or apologies for your abusive behaviour. You don’t deserve to feel better about what you are doing. This is a slippery slope, and you are destroying your family to appease your own admittedly selfish anger. Straighten your sh1t out and stop asking reddit why you are abusive. Be better.
Sounds like you should get checked out by a psychiatrist to see if you need meds and commit to therapy with your therapist.
Remember- therapy often feels uncomfortable because it’s about identifying what are essentially your flaws, raising your awareness of distortions in your thinking, and then replacing old behavior with new behavior. Therapy often leaves a person feeling defensive initially but that will pass. Just stick with it and accept that big changes take months.
I’m diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 and PTSD. It’s very rare now as I’m on appropriate meds like lithium, but hypomania results in intense irritability and anger. While mania ( which I haven’t had in years) results in rage and screaming outbursts in addition to psychosis.
If you have bipolar disorder type 1 or 2 you could be cycling and having angry outbursts while hypomanic. If this is the case, the right meds will essentially solve the issue. I’m a completely different person on meds
Glad you recognize the problem & are seeking help. My mother was much like you while I was growing up. We could all see the clouds gathering, nothing we could do to stop them, and she’d get viciously cruel to my dad, full of anger and resentment. Oddly, the thing that would make her calm would be when he would get worked up in reaction, which somehow confirmed for her that she was the victim, therefore right. Next day would be an uncomfortable quiet, the day after that back to “normal” until the next storm gathered. Never any apologies or acknowledging what happened. It was very dysfunctional.
It screwed me up because I had a string of dysfunctional relationships before getting involved with someone just like my mom. This scared the living daylights out of me, and I committed myself to not repeating my parents’ relationship. I married late in life, someone who is so emotionally healthy that it blows me away.
My dad died a few years ago, my mom never changed or sought help. Now she’s elderly and living with my sister, periodically pulling the same shit. You can see the clouds gathering and she spews vile accusations, spurred on by Parkinson’s dementia and a lifetime of seeing herself as the victim, not the persecutor.
Neither my sister nor I hate my mother, but we both agree that this has gone unchecked too long. My dad chose this when he married her, but we had no choice in being born to her, did not sign up for this abuse and did nothing to deserve it. Because she’s our mother, we want to keep her out of a nursing home. But if she keeps this shit up, which she seems to know no other way, she’s going to wear out her welcome and will be in a fucking institution, which she will hate.
Is this what you want for your family? For your elder years? Then keep it up. If not, get help, change now. It’s not easy, but it’s not going to be easier later.
Get a divorce and give him custody so your child can have a safe and stable home
Tell your husband you know you are a piece of shit/abusive. He will greatly appreciate you overtly acknowledging it while you continue to change your behavior.
Keep track of your cycle too. It could coincide with your cycle and be a PMDD issue or something similar
Perhaps try hypnotherapy. Also might be a good idea to get your hormone and vitamin levels tested just to rule anything out. Recognizing you have an issue is already a big first step and wanting to change is the next. I wish you luck
Therapy weekly + meds
Lots to unpackage here:
1. Do you have post partum? Do you regret becoming a parent?
2. By “moody”, is there trauma in your past?
3. What kind of therapy have you done? Have you tried EMDR? Gottman?
Wow you have a patient husband. Sounds like you need medication to help balance things out.
If your husband really thinks you are abusive, why is he saying he might leave you and your child? Why would he want to leave his child with the abusive parent?
Try a therapy called DBT
Is there any chance you have borderline personality disorder? If so you specifically want a therapist who specializes in DBT (dialectal behavioral therapy).
Consider a different therapist.
Medication works wonders ,but it may not be for everyone. There are some herbal supplements that help with this – like Sweet Holy Basil to name one. Sort of like an all-natural xanax
You need proper psychiatric care. You have an explosive rage problem. You need to see a professional, get tested, diagnosed and treated ASAP.
As someone whose childhood memories are mostly full of my parents screaming at each other day in, day out, and who is now an anxiety-ridden adult… this is not fair on your partner, and it’s good you acknowledge that, but you need to also acknowledge his need to get away from you if you’re still like this. Some space might do your family some good. It need not be the end of the relationship, but something needs to change. Otherwise it’s unfair for you to try to keep him from leaving. If nothing else, think of your child.
It seems like you haven’t been bringing up your anger issues with your therapist, so I don’t think you should be surprised or frustrated that it’s not working so far. Keep up the therapy, and if the therapist isn’t vibing with you or they don’t specialise in anger management, find a new one. If it’s something diagnosable maybe your talk therapist could also refer you to a psychotherapist. While meds aren’t the end all be all by any means, they can be a lifeline.
I have a ton of anger like you. My last therapist was in the process of figuring out if I have bpd or bipolar disorder, I strongly believe the first one because my mood shifts are always triggered by something. My partner also tends to be the fixation of my rage in my mind. For literally anything such as the house being dirty, my mind hyperfixates on how she is the problem and what she did to contribute to said issue. However, I have absolutely never exploded on her or otherwise lashed out other than trying to avoid eye contact with her and doing my best to avoid talking to her until I’ve calmed down (takes about 4 hours or less for me) and she does unfortunately know when I’m acting like that that I am definitely upset with her lol. But then we talk about it later and because of my way of handling sheer rage, it equals our relationship doesn’t get destroyed just because I get really angry whether it is rational or irrational. Honestly in the meantime while you figure it out, I strongly suggest that you also take the route of not speaking to your husband when you get extremely angry and just have a conversation with him prior to trying this out so he understands you aren’t trying to give him the silent treatment or anything and simply just trying to cope without causing harm. Ideally when you reach that point of anger, it at least helps me calm down much faster instead of being even more angry if I can drop what I’m doing and take some time to relax in a room my gf is not at, just scrolling on my phone. I firmly believe you do make a choice to not control your actions no matter how angry you are, you need to work on self control and restraint HEAVILY if your marriage has any chance of recovering.
I have to be honest, this reads as extremely manipulative and distorted. I understand that in this moment you feel guilty, and you should, but I can see you already starting to have distortions.
The biggest things I would say that you can do immediately are:
1) as another user suggested, leave your baby with your husband and do everything you can to ease the process for him if he chooses to seek protective custody/separation. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but you are a danger to them as it stands and for their safety you need to be out of the house.
2) get into a program SPECIFICALLY designed for abusers, one that has an established curriculum. It sounds like the therapy program you’re in is focused on behaviors and controlling anger, when the problem is that you are abusive.
Continuing that last point, I don’t believe you when you say you lose control. [In another comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wads2d/comment/ii22ep1/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) you admit you lash out only at him, and that you can control yourself with others. You continuously say that you lose control, but if you only lose control at one person, its not losing control. It is that you have identified a safe target of abuse. You are actively distorting the truth, and justifying your behavior as rage attacks.
Your language all throughout this is appalling and disturbing. You say that you are mean to him and that you ‘said horrible things’ with no elaboration. You say you are a monster, but justify it by being a ‘naturally moody person’ and that you ‘don’t know what came over [you]’.
Tl;dr – Leave, give him space, and join an ABUSER SPECIFIC PROGRAM and stop justifying your abuse.
Have you checked / ruled out diabetes? Low bloodsugar levels may sometimes be the cause of sudden angry outbursts. Actually, you don’t even have to be diabetic to suffer from this.
Feel like a shitty person, sounds like you are in fact a shitty person. You are an abuser. And what is worse is that your kid will grow up thinking your actions is what is normal.in a relationship.and the cycle will continue. Either get some help or do them both a huge favor, stop being selfish for once, and leave.
I know what I said might be harsh but you need harsh. A person that knows they are abusing someone yet still continues to abuse them gets doesn’t deserve sympathy.
Three things:
1. Continue therapy which has already been said.
2. Consider seeing a psychiatrist to start medication.
3. Get on an exercise routine, preferably cardio, that will help wear you down a bit and take the edge off your anger.
im sorry, but you are targeting your husband and he needs to leave with your child. you are currently a danger to them both. please separate yourself from him, but do not allow himself to take blame for it. it is not his fault that you are this way, and it does not matter what abuse you have maybe suffered in the past, abuse does not excuse future abuse.
i understand youre going to therapy, but you have to work on things outside of therapy to make them better. you have to use coping methods. you have to put more effort in controlling your anger.
this is an abusive relationship for HIM. you have to take the responsibility of being the abuser and give him space.
Break up with him and go work on yourself
Is your CBT anger management focussed as well?
Make sure to keep consistent with your therapy. Speak with a doctor as well to see if there could be any anxiety or depression related issues causing this. Meds for that may help.
I was seriously paranoid when i was going through anxiety and depression and although i wasnt abusive i wasnt fun to live with. Once i got medicsted i was much more logical and rational and life got better. I am prone to mood swings due to PCOS as well so it helped level me out.
Ask about anger management and any courses you can do for domestic abuse etc.
With all this said. If you dont follow through, and take this seriously, being consistent your husband deserves much better and you cannot blame him for walking away. Id also not blame him for looking into custody of your child as I grew up with a single mother who was abusive and it was frankly horrific and the reason why i had such bad anxiety growing up.
So this is on you to get your ass in gear and head in the game. You know youre being abusive. But judt admitting it and saying sorry isnt enough. You need to actually do something abojt it and keep to it.