I posted last week about a current situation. Me, 36 F have been talking to a 41 M. He said he did not want to rush into a relationship, I do not either. We both got burned in our most recent relationships so I respect the fact he wants to take it slow. I posted previous about an argument we got in. We didn’t talk for a couple days. He called me and told me how he deals with stress which is different than me and he shuts down. He came to my house after a couple of days and things went great. We had a really good conversation initially and I felt good about everything. Before he came over that night, I stopped by my friends house who had a few people over. I was telling him about my friends new boyfriend who was really nice and how happy she seemed finally! He said who else was there? I’m like a few of his friends and her co workers. He immediately said “did they try to get with you?” I’m like nooo. Wtf? This guy at my friends house knew a personal trainer. I have to be in a wedding in a few months and was looking for a personal trainer that wasn’t going to cost me a fortune. He said “you just need to do some exercises somewhere else, that guy is just going to try and f*** you”. I thought it was so odd. I leave in a couple weeks for a bachelorette weekend. He mentioned that someone always cheats or does something bad on a bachelorette trip. A lot of the girls are either married or in committed relationships. He asked me “how much are you going to be drinking?” Of course I have no idea. We have an itinerary for this trip that was emailed to everyone and each night we end up at a club. Then he said” this trip is going to piss me off and make me jealous, I can already tell.” I also have a friend that is a guy who is truly a friend , there are no feelings between us. We just check on each other. My friend texted while this guy was over and of course he went in with the “he just wants you and you are blind to see it.” This is the person who doesn’t want a committed relationship. But seems to be affected by me even being around a male. I do not understand what he is doing and it’s stressing me out. I don’t want to bring this up to him but can anyone help a girl out?! 🤷🏻♀️
18 comments
Control issues, red flags a-flying, he shouldn’t be this way at 41, or 31 or really at all assuming he’s had serious relationship experience. Not sure what to tell you, but not a good sign.
Uh, end this? This is super concerning behavior
He’s possessive, jealous and will be very controlling; it’s going to get much worse.
It doesn’t matter that he’s not ready to rush into a relationship, this wouldn’t be ok in a marriage. Please get away from this guy.
Huge red flags. My ex used to do this and he ended up being the most controlling, toxic and shitty person I’ve ever been with.
This behaviour will not change no matter how hard you try and get him to see it from your point of view.
Meanwhile I’m going to a concert tonight with a great male friend of mine and the guy I’m seeing couldn’t care less as long as I’m safe. And that… is the correct way of being with someone.
Uh jealous as hell is what he is. It’s only going to get worse, you will see…
“Mixed signals” is not the main problem here. Why would you even be friends with someone like that, let alone date?
He sounds angry and possessive. This is not good behaviour whether you two are in a relationship or not. Don’t mistake this jealousy as some great sign that he likes you and cares so much. It’s actually a warning sign.
>I posted previous about an argument we got in. We didn’t talk for a couple days. He called me and told me how he deals with stress which is different than me and he shuts down.
Bullshit. He didn’t shut down. He acted like a dick to you.
This phony “explanation” was him seeing if he can sweep that incident under the rug without really being accountable for his behavior.
You let him do it, presumably because you like him, and you want to see the best in him. You didn’t question what he was telling you. That doesn’t make you dumb or weak or anything like that. It’s normal to trust people!
Unfortunately, now that he’s seen he can get away with that behavior, he’s quickly stirring up more shit to see what else he can get away with. He’s going to keep testing to see how much farther he can push you and how much you’ll take. Last week he accused you of just wanting to get your way. NOW he’s repeatedly insinuating that you’re a cheater.
Want to stick around and see where the accusations go next week? I wouldn’t. Besides, this is someone who doesn’t even want to make it official! Why would you let him of all people bring his mind games into your life???
> This is the person who doesn’t want a committed relationship. But seems to be affected by me even being around a male.
It seems confusing at first glance, but it’s not.
If he’s a controlling dick who enjoys stirring up conflict, his behavior is pretty on point.
If he really got burned by his ex, and he believes that getting close to you will get him hurt again, what better way to protect himself than to refuse to commit AND to push you away with dumb fights?
And if he has a flair for head games, he’s setting the stage for your “cheating.” Soon you’ll be bending over backwards to prove you’re trustworthy, and that you’d NEVER hurt him like his ex! And he can hold the accusations and arguments over you as a reason you haven’t “earned” his commitment yet. But maybe if you grovel a little harder and try a little more…
> I don’t want to bring this up to him but can anyone help a girl out?!
Yeah, don’t bring it up. First because it won’t help. Second because he’s not relationship material anyway.
Just cut it off before it gets worse. “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I’ve realized I do want something more committed. Take care and goodbye.”
These aren’t mixed signals. He’s possessive, angry, and wildly jealous.
You already had an argument in which he shut down/shut you out, and now he’s overreacting about your perfectly normal social interactions?
Yikes dude. You don’t need to explain anything. Tell him it’s not working for you and end it.
You honestly typed all that out and still aren’t sure what you want to do??? Come on! He’s doing you a favor by showing you all this behavior up front so you don’t have to waste any more time on this loser. Dump him immediately.
Sweet Jesus, those aren’t mixed signals, that’s a full blown control freak, who couldn’t even hide it for six months. Red flags all over the place…
His trust issues are bad but his communication and projection about them being all about the rest of the world are worse.
Dump his ass.
He’s the kid that didn’t want the toy until he saw another kid playing with it. He just never grew up, and you like him too much to see him for who he actually is. Which is a jealous user who isn’t going to commit to you. But hey, you really like him so…
Uh this isn’t a mixed signal, it’s a pretty clear red flag. He’s testing how you respond when he behaves in a controlling manner about your behaviour especially around other men. BIG TIME RED FLAG MY DUDE
I’m honestly confused over how you can experience this and not see it as troubling enough to break up over
This really and truly sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship – you’re ignoring deeply problematic behavior because it feels balanced out by the good times. He’s not hiding it well at all
This guy hasn’t healed from his last relationship and has all manner of trust issues.
Whether those are behind his control issues or not, I can’t say – but he’s got those too.
There’s an expression that feels relevant: hurt people hurt people.
It’s why I advocate strongly for taking time to yourself between relationships to work through issues – so that you don’t become part of someone else’s codependency/relationship issues.
He is too old for this kind of behavior, you are too old to put up with this shit. Please dump him, this is only going to get much worse from here.