Ya girl has a history of unhealthy attachment and making poor dating choices as a result. I’m doing a lot things differently (after taking a solid break, more therapy, and testing the waters) — including working on understanding what healthy interest in early dating looks like. I find that when I’m not being lovebombed/intensely physically pursued, I have trouble picking up on whether a person is interested.
I don’t want to sabotage potential connections because I am prone to writing off someone who isn’t approaching things in these ways that I want to avoid, and my knowledge base on this isn’t as strong as I wish it were, so people with secure attachment styles and healthy relationships: I’d love to hear what things YOU do or notice in early dates (say 1-3) to indicate interest.
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I’d say in early dating (1-3 dates), you should be less concerned about picking up or gauging their interest as you should be more concerned with your own.
Don’t think about how keen they are. Think about yourself and how you feel.
I’m excited to see what other people say. I thought I had done a lot of inner work and healing. But ended up getting into a situationship with an avoidant/EU type. Haha.
There’s not secret sauce here. You need to learn to feel out potential mates and focus on what you want and need. If YOURE interested. The best green flag is no red flags.
Same situation but im a male lol. I do get lucky and find love a lot though, I am in a Ltr my strategy was just to be the best I can be and I liked my girl so I just rolled the dice and it worked out. I find bein the best you can be makes people attracted to you so it’s easier to focus on that than to overanalyse things out of your control
Most people here are saying “just focus on what they can give you” I think that’s only half advice tbh. It’s a selfish and empty way of looking at dating, you also have to give them reason to want you too and then you won’t need to worry about the love bomb thing because being a valuable person will make you confident that they do love you.
consistency (the pace isn’t rushed or unpredictable), integrity (words and actions match) and clarity (you’re not confused).
at the end of the day, each relationship you choose to pursue will be a perfect mirror for where you’re at in your healing journey. i agree with other comments here that the focus should be more on whether they fit your standards, so take the time to get clear on how you want to feel when dating someone. also, what behavior do they bring out of you? if someone leaves you feeling anxious and obsessive, then that’s probably a sign that it’s not a healthy foundation to build a serious relationship.
There’s no way to tell what’s healthy but time. I’ve had women come on super strong (what would be love bombing) and aggressive sexually, and had great relationships. I’ve had some slow burners too and we got to know each other even before any real dating/relationship. Now they didn’t last forever but they were all good relationships and good people.
People are going to be different, and might even swing too far one way if the other way didn’t work for them in the past. The only thing that tells is time, and all you can do is temper your expectations early on and hope for the best…you can plan for the worst but I think that kinda sabotages things right off the bat. I mean be safe and all that, but don’t jump to conclusions or focus on imperfections, get to know each other etc.
**If someone is interested, they will:**
Make time to text you / call you
Ask to go out with you
Send you memes / pictures / share about their day in some other way
Ask you questions about yourself
Show that they’re interested
If you have to ask if they’re interested… They’re probably not. (OR, because introspection is good, you may be hypersensitive to rejection, and see it where it doesn’t exist.)
Keep healing and growing and experiencing, missy. <3
I just let them know that I want to see them and continue seeing them. Time is obviously valuable so I wouldn’t want to waste someone’s time. And if I’m asking to see you it’s because I really want to spend time with you and getting to know you more.
I’m guarded in regards to coming off too strong and I’ve been told that sometimes it doesn’t seem like I’m too into it, but that’s my demeanor. And one thing I’ve been trying to be better as is communicating. It’s hard because you can’t go too far too early on in showing interest (unless you’re both into that), so asking to see them again is my main way.
If I’m getting lots of eye contact, questions about my life/interests, and he laughs at my jokes, I interpret those signs as him being interested.
Huh? I care about whether I’m interested in someone or not and spend literally no time wondering about their level of interest. It will become obvious very soon, anyway.
If he consistently expresses desire to see me again and plans dates. If he asks lots of questions and shows interest in me and my life. That’s about it, really.
Consistency, effort and clear intentions.
I’m on a similar path and I am trying to recognise when I get butterflies and rather than lean into it, lean back and recognize it for a addiction response. Definitely there is a bodily difference between anxious/over excitement and a safe connection..
Communicating clearly, doing what they consistently say they will do, kindness and respect.
41F here, 1 1/4 year relationship with 41M, and secure attachment style.
In my opinion the healthiest thing at the start of a good relationship is mutual effort to see eachother again. If he’s interested, and you have shown your interest, he’s not going to wait to make a plan. It will often happen at the end of the date, or the next day. If you get silence for several days before he asks to see you again, I’d say he’s probably not too interested.
So for example, you’re at the end of the date and he says “I had a great time, we should do this again!”. I will typically respond with
“Me too! Wednesday or Thursday nights work for me.”
Him: “Awesome, let me check my schedule and I’ll let you know”
Me by text that night: “Thanks again for a great evening! Got home safe 🙂 looking forward to seeing you again!”
Next day him by text: “Me too! I checked my calendar and Thursday works best for me, does that still work on your end?”
Me: “Sure does 🙂 We can check in later this week to figure out our plans”
This way, you are BOTH actively showing interest and you are not putting all the work on him (it’s 2022 afterall)
But at this point, don’t expect a huge amount of text exchanges between when plans are made and your next date. Live your life and let him live his. It makes for better conversation during the dates when you actually go and do things. You need a life outside your relationship in order to have a healthy relationship.
IMO I feel like a lot of people use texting frequency as an indicator of interest, but my experience has been as we get older, many people out there (including myself) prefer to speak in person than to send texts all day. So if you don’t hear from him for a couple days after you have made plans to see each other again, don’t sweat it.
The bigger indicator for me is the quality of the text. For example If I tell him I have a big presentation at work on Tuesday, and I get a text Tuesday morning wishing me luck, that is far more meaningful than “Hey, how was your day?” every day of my life.
Consistency, which I think is important. Following up on promises/anything they said they’ll do and explaining if things changed.
Being clear and honest, happy to answer any questions have.
Do they initiate contact? Do they ask me questions about myself? Do they seem approachable and warm?
Pay attention to how you feel through the process. Are you anxious or calm? Did you feel heard & understood during the date? Look for consistency between words & behaviors. If someone is interested, you’ll know because they will be consistent, communicative & want to make you feel secure.
In my previous relationship, my partner often told me he loved me without doing anything that actually made me feel loved. This was confusing and I chose to believe the words for a long time, up until it ended.
I then entered a very NOT a relationship where the guy did lots of relationship-type stuff, let me into his life and shared stuff, emotional intimacy but telling me he didn’t want a relationship. We texted all day every day.
Both situations made me feel confused. Actions and words didn’t align. I did a bunch of therapy – still doing it – and we talked about how I wanted someone to make me feel. I don’t want to feel sick and confused, waiting for a text, or getting lip service without any acts of service.
When I met my current partner, I took care even on our first date to act authentically me. I wore clothes that I had made, suggested we go to a thrift store and browse, made stupid jokes that he not only enjoyed but elaborated on. I didn’t feel like I was shrinking myself or hiding, which was huge for me. I told him I didn’t want to text a lot, I wanted our interactions to he in person.
Some things he did early on to make me realize he was interested:
-also shared personal things and stories from his past; expressed vulnerability
-told me what he was looking for authentically – mentioned he wanted a relationship and family, later there was a baby at the restaurant and he was playing peek a boo with it. The authenticity of this moment really made me feel safe
-scheduled our next date while we were on our current one – still happens now, over six months later
-remembered and brought up things we talked about or things on my bumble profile, he read or heard them and they were important to him
-respected my comments about texting, and never texted thirst trap shit. One day about a month in I hadn’t heard from him all day and he texted me a mushroom he saw on a walk he thought was interesting
-verbally telling me I was interesting or he liked hearing about my life
It’s incredibly hard going from an unhealthy relationship style to a healthy one. Lots of things that are good or normal can make you feel uncomfortable. I stayed the weekend with him one of the first times and he did laundry, fully prepped dinner, made appointments, and I freaked out in therapy because I was worried he didn’t need me. But help from introspection, journalling, keeping my connections strong, and my therapy going have been invaluable.
Like other people said, also focus on how they make you feel, emotionally and physically. This is a huge tell. Good luck!
Early interest: someone with an open, but cautious nature, willing to invest consistently over time to build and grow a relationship
It’s similar to gardening: You don’t want to overwater with compliments, nor would you survive a famine without attention. You’re looking for someone willing to pour a nutrient rich, fertilizer/water combo a tiny amount at a time, over a consistent period of time to nurture growth naturally
Your feelings may be overwhelming, rushing to leap out of your body…but you want to be able to quell them and have command and control over them. You want someone who is capable of demonstrating stability. Someone that is able to adapt to routine displays of being available, accessible, on time to dates, that has a pattern of doing what they say and saying what they ultimately prove to do. They should be interested (not invested) in hearing about your life, experiences, and what you want out of your future. You two should be exchanging information about who you are, and learning about one another vs. time spent determining or discussing where/how you two may/possibly fit together.
Someone genuinely interested may not be as chatty as a love-bombing con, it may even seem they’re not as clingy, or working as hard to impress or connect with you. Rocket blasting chemistry may not be an experience that you two immediately share, either.
A healthy and well adjusted match will show interest by upholding their time commitments to you. They will add value to the conversation, share openly about themselves, and share thoughtful details about their lives and the people they’re closest to in an effort to show you who they are, they’ll paint a clear image of the room and space that is available within their lives for a partner, they will slowly invite you in toward that space, they will want you to participate and engage those closest to their heart