I need to end things with my partner. We want different things from life. I want a stable, easygoing relationship and eventually kids and a family, he is still in a phase of his life where work and hobbies take precedence and he’s not thinking longterm. He also wants an open relationship and I can’t get him to tell me straight up if it’s something he needs or was just an idea / his ideal and the fact that I’m not getting a straight answer has made me angry so I have decided it’s super clear I need to break up with him.
I’m a very emotional person. I am very attached to him and he is, other than this one fundamental thing, everything I was looking for in a partner. He’s calm, level headed, kind, incredibly smart, introverted, good looking, disciplined, and funny. I know he will have no problem finding another girlfriend.
Me however, I have spent time single and being alone and I honestly hate it. I tried for a while to say I actually really was okay with it, that I enjoyed it but I really don’t. I grew up in a tight knit family and I just don’t give up on people very easily, which is why I stayed in an abusive relationship in my 20s for many years.
Looking back I wish I had left sooner but I was afraid. I feel like I’m in a similar position now where it’s clear I need to go but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t have many friends and I travel a lot for work so it’s hard to put down roots. One thing I liked about this guy is we could travel together everywhere. I know I will never get to a point where I will want to end things, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough for the aftermath. I find it impossible to focus on work or hobbies when I’m upset. I just ruminate and cry and I can’t even get out of bed, for months. I just get really attached to people, maybe more than normal. I just don’t think I can actually go through with it.
That was rambling but does anyone have any advice? I want to hear more than anything that things could work with my partner but I know deep down I will be doing myself the biggest favor by ending things.
**TLDR: I’m in a situation where I think the rational thing to do is break up but I don’t want to at all. Is there some trick to breaking up with someone you love? I think I’m capable of loving people who aren’t good partners for me and I never leave until it’s far too late.**
1 comment
You need some self work my friend. You know where this is going and you are realizing your weaknesses. That’s a huge step in the right direction. And this relationship is not going to be the remedy. However… let’s talk about hurling yourself into a disassociated depressive state before you move on this. Some of the things you are describing indicates that you might just not do alone well. A lot of people don’t. So before you navigate away from your environment please consider what that looks like and make adjustments to maybe have roommates or possible reside for a bit with family. Your strong feelings for the aftermath are a foreshadowing indication that your already putting yourself in a bad place. You need to talk to yourself about what this is a bit differently. It does suck that you have to call stuff off but resinating in the middle won’t help you. Go find something that is best for you and don’t forget that sometimes that’s not another human. Your literally projecting a sorrow on events left unfold. People do this a lot but it’s never helpful. Anticipate better for yourself. And actively take charge of your circumstances.