It started out innocent, they would talk about work things, I get it a work buddy is always good. But then she started getting in his snap chats, and showing up to my house. She had him over to “fix her sink, twice.” And was buying him gifts from the aquarium. I told my husband how I feel, and he simply said “I understand, consider it taken care of.” He deleted his snap chat, and for about 24 hours I thought everything was good. But my gut was telling me other wise…. He left his Apple Watch on the charger Sunday morning and when I woke up my gut told me to get it and look. What I found was shocking. The messages were so inappropriate that it’s things he has never even said to me and things we have never done in the bed room. We have been married for 5 years and together for almost 10. I confronted him about the messages and he for the 3rd time in our relationship, after being caught, said he is depressed. The 1st 2 times he actually stepped out of our relationship. But as far as I know this is the 1st time since we have been married. Come to find out he called her the night I said something to him and he found out she’s not exactly a lesbian that she’s bi sexual and they talked about her previous sexual partners in that conversation. I don’t know what I need out of this post. Maybe just to actually have someone read it, maybe help me move past my hurt. But I don’t even know if I want to continue this cycle anymore. He is actively getting help this time. But it doesn’t negate the fact I’m still hurt. What do I do from here?
30 comments
I would get a divorce. I also wouldn’t have married him if he’d cheated prior to marrying, but… it’s too late for that.
Sounds to me he knew what he was doing and all a sudden he’s depressed..he’s depressed he got caught
He cheated on you twice and you married him anyway….? Don’t let it happen a 4th time…
Divorce him. He’s straight up manipulating you with that firearm bullshit. Straight manipulation. He’s not depressed, he’s unhappy he got caught, so he went all “gonna kill myself” so you’d fall back in line. And that’s exactly what you did. He’s responsible for his mental health and you’re apparently responsible for the health and well-being of two kids. Dump his ass, before THEY find him with a firearm and you have traumatized children to help heal.
You’re being manipulated and he’s using his “depression” as a cover and a crutch when he’s really a manipulative, cheating, asshole. I’m never one to tell anyone to leave their marriage but honey idk what more he needs to do for you to make the call that’s best for YOU.
Why are you surprised, At this point you allow it to happen.
I think he has displayed a pattern of behavior that is likely to repeat itself. Please don’t delude yourself. He has severely broken trust three times.
Fool me once…
Geez. A serial cheater doesn’t change. Shocking
Have some self respect and dump him. How many chances are you going to give him
I’m very curious about your post history OP. What is this account that you just replied to 1 hour ago? It doesn’t look like it was actually posted in any subreddit, and I can almost imagine this being an account for the other woman
What’s he doing for you? Has he cut her off? Open phone? What else? Found a couples counselor? Apologized daily?
You should at least talk to a lawyer. If there is any more then serve him papers. If any more then go through with it
The real ‘gun’ in this relationship is pointed at you – his penis riddled with STIs. He is going to continue to cheat and traumatise you and bring home an STI which will harm you. The gun in his hand is a manipulation technique.
My opinion, everyone should be allowed one big f**k up. Almost everyone deserves a second chance, but it seems this has happened a few times, that’s a pattern not a mistake. I personally would divorce. Depression is not an excuse for that behavior. I hope you do what’s best for you.
People really need to stop using their mental illness as a free pass to act like jerks.
Sorry if this comes off as insensitive, but the mental health excuse is BS. My dad is a CHRONIC cheater and has gone as far as to fake his own death after being caught/confronted (I wish I was kidding). It’s all manipulation to create the narrative in their head that THEY are the victim and that their actions are justified. Nothing can justify his actions. Plenty of people live with mental illness and depression and do not violate their marriages and families like this. No excuse. Protect your kids by protecting yourself and get away from this.
Why are you calling her a lesbian if she clearly isn’t one?
He’s not gonna stop until his itch is fulfilled. I would leave
This is the definition of insanity. He cheats, you don’t leave him, rinse and repeat.
I like how you quoted fix the sink, lol. You know there was more than the sink fixed.
Ahh well he didn’t cover his tracks very well. Caught him so easily. Def cheating.
How can you keep your 2 daughter near him? What if he does do something and one of them find him? What then?
>and they talked about her previous sexual partners in that conversation.
Gonna go out on a limb here and guess that he was getting off to her describing her sex life. Unless she actually brought in another woman so they could have a threesome.
I think your husband is very manipulative and exploits your trusting and caring nature. He knows he can get away with anything with you.
He either tells tell you want you want to hear or if that ends up failing because further evidence has surfaced about what a scummy pervy self-serving piece of shit he is, then he plays the “I’m depressed” card and manipulates your sense of empathy and compassion.
It’s infuriating tbh.
And I’m sorry, but he’s gross.
Find someone who will honor, respect, and even cherish your wonderful qualities. Not exploit them and lead a double life.
Imo you also need to get your kids away from him. What a horrible influence on a child, my god.
Third time..? What are you waiting for? The fourth time? You know what to do..
He’s a piece of shit. Do you really want this guy to be your kids father? Do you really think he gives a shit about any of you if you come home and he has a gun in his hands, complaining about himself? Like, he’s the only one who can change himself so if he hasn’t done it by now he’s not going to do it period.
I have been in a situation SO SO similar to you. My heart hurts for you. It really does. No one understands how emotionally complex of a problem all of this is. It’s a total mess. Like a ball of yarn rolled, tied and mingled emotions of hurt, betrayal, anger, confusion, fear and devastation. I also tried to get my partner help. They were diagnosed with BPD and used their mental health as a manipulation tactic whenever something went drastically wrong on their part. I became not a partner but a mother, therapist and too much of a compassionate moron to add to that. Where there is one lie, that you’ve discovered- there are several other. Endless secrets and manipulation. They don’t think of anyone truly but themselves. Especially when kids are involved. They are childish in that sense. He knows you have a wonderful heart and you seem to be an empathetic soul and he’s taking full advantage of that. It murdered my heart to get away from my situation. 5 years on and I still try to cope with the emotional & physical abuse on the daily. I have found it hard to trust anyone. But let me tell you, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated with respect, genuine love and handled with care. You deserve to be appreciated and made happy. You deserve who will help bring out the best in you and help you grow through life. A true life partner that boosts you not tears you down with all this bs soap opera behaviour. Your kids deserve to see their mother in a happy healthy relationship or healed and thriving on her own. All of this will drip down to the kids and have heartbreaking consequences to their own mental health as they grow. Kids absorb even just vibes like a sponge. They deserve to be in a loving, stable household. I know your heart hurts right now. But please, is this the person of your dreams? Did you dream about and want to be treated this way when you were a child?? Did you envision staying with a POS like this for your future goals? Get yourself a lawyer. Even just a consultation. Get yourself a therapist. Surround yourself with family & have them step in to help with the kids right now. It will not be easy. You will cry at night and feel sick about sentimental reminders here and there but you MUST think of the long term goals of why leaving this toxic relationship that you nor your kids deserve to be exposed to. He wants to go “step out” of your marriage?? Fine! Let him step out all over the fuckin town! You will not be there waiting at home while he’s having the time of his life. Please consider that you are worth more than this. It will not be easy. But the only way is through.
I think you know what you need to do. I don’t believe that your husband didn’t know she was bi-sexual. He has shown a pattern of behavior that he is unfaithful. There is no way you can trust him. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Please for your own health, get out and move on. Do not waste your life away with a man who has proven he does not care about you.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME? Take half and run. He’s not your husband he is getting more action than most eligible bachelors..
Divorce divorce it’s not you it’s him run run run go bye see you later go go now
Edit to add while he’s out here catching feelings for others make sure you aren’t catching sti’s
Have some self esteem and leave. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times? Come on. Idk why people think marriage will fix cheating. He’s shown you who he is— believe him.
He’s been caught cheating for the third time. He doesn’t need you “to get the help he needs”. You are the one who does.
My ex husband was always playing those suicide games with me. Everytime he got caught cheating, everytime he felt I had one foot out the door. Finally one afternoon he decided he was going, and I was going with him. He got in the family truck, ( he was SO DRUNK) started the engine, and called me over to him. I didn’t know his mood had shifted to this place or that he had started drinking until I approached him. He grabbed me and tried to pull me into to truck, but he was so wasted that he fumbled when I pulled away from him. I slammed the door shut, and the model of vehicle it was the doors locked automatically when you closed them after starting it. So the door locked, and it threw him off and irritated him so much that he couldn’t open the door to go back after me, he started swearing at me, asking me what i did to the door. I just turned around and walked away when I heard the truck accelerate and. He peeled forward through our driveway, through a field past several houses, and plowed through the high school baseball field directly behind our house. It was a disaster. He completely annihilated the field, but thank God in heaven, somehow there were no children out there. It was a miracle, as it was about 5pm on a Friday, and kids hung out on the field and in the dugouts all the time. Save yourself. Leave him and don’t look back.