My(24f)boyfriend(23m)has just 2 close friends and one of them is his first love who cheated on him.
I know there is nothing going on between them except the fact that they have a really powerful bond.
He does nothing wrong but they talk daily and share stuff and meet once a week
I am just worried that deep inside in his unconscious, he is still in love with her, cause all the struggle we have, is just about her, though he doesn’t make any effort to stop that.
Should I set boundaries? Cause I know he can not let her go, bc she is his best friend.
What boundaries should I set? Can you please suggest anything
Tl;dr: my boy friend is best friend with his ex, should I set boundaries? And if yes, what kind of boundaries?
1 comment
Well, when setting boundaries, remember they are for you and no one else, and up to you to enforce. It should be all “I” statements, you know? “I don’t want to date someone who is in close contact with an ex, so I won’t, and will break up with someone who is” is a boundary. “I don’t want to date someone who is in close contact with an ex, so _you_ need to stop doing that” is controlling. And a boundary like that is fine, regardless (to some extent) of whether other people find it unreasonable (although maybe not the most healthy, if you’re limiting yourself because of insecurity rather than dealing with it).
That said, I’m not sure you should be setting any boundaries here. This doesn’t sound like anything but a close friendship on his part, and you being insecure about it is entirely a _you_ issue, that _you_ need to solve. You say yourself that he doesn’t do anything wrong with her, it sounds like insecurity and/or jealously on your part. Which isn’t an abnormal or unreasonable thing to feel when your SO is hanging out with someone they dated previously. But it being a normal or reasonable feeling doesn’t make it _right_, you know? If he wants to cheat, he will, and if he doesn’t, he won’t. There’s not much middle ground there, it’s always his _choice_ that matters. So do you trust him?
> all the struggle we have, is just about her, though he doesn’t make any effort to stop that.
This casts some doubt on what I just said, though. What kind of struggle is this causing? Is it from you not wanting him to see her, or something like that? Or is it something like him canceling plans last minute with you to go see her, or neglecting your relationship in other ways while prioritizing her? Because the second is definitely an issue, but it’s not really about her. He’s _choosing_ to do all of this, it’s entirely on him. So while it’s definitely something you should bring up, try to approach it from a “you and him” angle and leave her out of it. Like “I feel abandoned and not a priority when you keep canceling plans last minute, can you please try to be more consistent and make our relationship a priority?”.
Lastly, if this is mostly your insecurity or jealously and you are having trouble dealing with it (which is again understandable and pretty normal), consider seeing a therapist for a little while. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, they can just help you sort through your thoughts and suggest ways for dealing with them in a healthy manner. You can also ask your bf to help a bit here. Remember it’s not his problem, so you don’t want to put too much on him, but it’s fine to _ask_ for some small things, like say not staying out to late. I’d emphasize that it’s not a requirement and not because you don’t trust him, it’s just something that makes you feel a little more comfortable if he can do it.