hey everyone, my (f21) brother is about to be a freshman in high school, and i am slightly worried for him. he has never had a girlfriend, is very into video games, and can be socially awkward at times, despite being very friendly and semi outgoing. he is a cute kid: blonde hair, blue eyes and has a great physique- i mean this kid is RIPPED from training and track/CC. however, he tells me about how no girls at school like him, and they think he is weird. he is just now getting social media, as our parents were very strict on me but decided to allow my brother to have snapchat (therefore, he is not a recluse from the digital world as i was at his age). since getting it, he has made a few closer friends, and has a few streaks with girls. despite this, he has not had any girls interested in him long term, is often rejected, and has trouble with groups of friends. he does have friends but they can be flaky at times. i have offered to take him BTS shopping in order to help him up his style game, i’ve helped him learn to style his hair, and i attempt to boost his confidence as much as i can. he is pretty into annoying memes on youtube, which doesn’t really help his case. i give him advice very often but idk if he is taking it to heart. i’ve told him to not get too beat up by the girls thing, that he’s about to meet tons of new people at his school and he will find someone to reciprocate his feelings eventually. me being a conventionally attractive girl, had several long term boyfriends 8th grade-present, so i think he feels like he is behind, though boys often struggle more with rejection. can someone please help me find anything to do/more to tell him to help him? if he was a girl there would be so much i could offer, but i’m kind of at a loss here.
edit: i didn’t think i’d have to say this, but please keep misogyny off of this post. YES i am female and YES my little brother asks for my help. and YES i will give it to him. thank you to those of you genuinely kind men giving me new perspectives and ways to challenge him/spark growth. it means a lot 🙂
24 comments
Just let him grow up. Every 14 year old is awkward
Something that a big sister could have helped me at that age would be simply telling me which girls were into me or not (and bonus for telling me why she thinks that). I wasted too much time and effort on uninterested girls, not understanding their cryptic signals for hinting yes or no.
I think just being in his life as his sister is enough. Hang out with him here and there but don’t try to take the reigns. He’s growing and has to just figure stuff out and if he trusts you then he will ask for advice on his own.
He’s only 14. We were all cringy and awkward at 14. There is a lot for him to learn about himself that kicks in later in life. As the older sibling though, your only goal is to be a good role model for him. I’m the older sibling and younger siblings get so influenced by you. So do your best in setting an example and socializing with him.
Just let him grow into his own person instead of trying to turn him into a YA romance novel lead
Sound like an average guys’ teen (and adult) experience tbh 🤷 All he can do is go through it and grow from it
The weight room did a ton for my confidence at that age… girls started making comments, started actually pursuing me, and being bigger and stronger goes a long way in terms of having confidence with your male peers.
Stick with the basics… squat, bench, deadlift overhead press, pull ups, barbell rows, heavy dumbbell work… eat big, lots of volume in the gym.
Also learn to fight… a little Jiu jitsu goes a long way… or hell, join the wrestling team.
Not only will the ability to defend yourself boost your confidence, but know how to interact with a bunch of other aggressive males…all confidence boosters.
Also being involved in ton is sports moves you up the social hierarchy… and women don’t date down… they date across or up.
You’re an awesome sister. Cheers to you for looking out for him.
At 14, guys are still basically kids. We might be changing physically, but we’re much less socially mature than girls our own age.
For a lot of guys, dating and all that stuff is only a vague idea in our head at that point. We’re noticing girls and our biology is going crazy but video games are just as cool, some times more so.
I think the best thing you can do is help him to build his confidence and self esteem. And that’s about him experiencing success, growing in competence, and experiencing positive reinforcement that he’s valuable and good.
Even if he’s doing stuff that’s a bit nerdy, don’t be too critical. Give praise, encouragement, and show interest. Sure, help with style and what not but always in a way that’s optimistic and positive overall – accepting him as he is.
If he feels good about himself, the rest will follow.
For him:
First and foremost, at 14, what he is experiencing is actually pretty normal. We were all pretty cringy 14yo boys. Especially to 14yo girls. Hold up your head. Be who you want to be. And get back up every time you fall. It’s how we guys seem to learn. I’m 61 now, happily married with kids and grandkids, and still don’t totally get the subtle girl cues. And I’ve raised 7 of them. It’s why men say women are a mystery.
For you:
Keep being the great big sister you seem to be. Keep helping him learn how girls think and communicate. It seems like you are doing the job and doing it well.
14 is super super young.
I’d focus the advice on perspective more so than practical advice. What does he want, why, how does he treat people, how do people treat him, big picture stuff
Nevertheless you sound like a really caring sister trying to guide him.
Sounds like a typical 14 year old. The best thing to do is make sure he doesn’t make any really bad choices that derail his future. He’s going to make a LOT of stupid choices and that’s okay, thats a learning experience. Don’t let him get too sucked into social media, that’s toxic af and not real life.
‘Me being a conventionally attractive girl…’
What is this? r/menwritingwomen?
Well at least you’re actually there for him and trying to help him out. Just being there is cool and letting him find himself is always a good thing.
You’re doing a lot better than my older sister. She is the person who is the cause of almost all the insecurities I have/grew up with and currently trying to work through as an adult.
So you just being there and trying to help him through it is nice. Just be there and the person he knows he can go to when he needs to talk and that is probably the best thing for an older sibling to do.
I was also socially awkward but cute as a teenager. Something I recognized was that at age 14 I had no skill in talking to girls. At some point I made a conscious decision to only make friends with girls. While I didn’t date at all, that kind of practice was very valuable because I was focused more on having good, affectionate friendships than relationships. This is what you should push your brother to do.
Okay, so two things here:
One, what you’re doing is great
But two… what you’re also doing, is going a bit overboard and this can lead to it’s own problems
Why is that? Well because there’s a lot of red flags in this post: be it the codependency, the fact that you seem to be very controlling (specifically around what you consider to be successful) and I say this from a place of kindness:
>if he was a girl there would be so much i could offer, but i’m kind of at a loss here.
A big, big thing that people learn over time and as you gain more experience in life is, people ultimately need to help themselves. And you helping them too much, can end up hurting them in the long run.
Now, I know at the moment this isn’t going to sink in; I’d actually argue that you might even read that last statement and think I’m being heartless by saying people we love should experience hardship and suffer
But, sometimes you need to accept that their journey should be their own, and learn to have a more hands off approach to them
—
Once again, I have a hunch that you’re going to read what I said, and either have it not resonate, or feel like I’m incorrect so once I got that out of the way, I want to also bring up this.
Something that helped me out so much in my 20’s, was learning how to listen, and not to immediately jump to fixing it
For example, let’s go and say that your brother got into a fight with someone in school and he ended up being injured
I feel like, you’d be the person who when this happens, you’d go and try to confront the person. Maybe beat them up too, or at the very least take the charge and have his scumbag know not to fuck around with your family
Even as I typed it, a little part of the old me was like “yeah, that kind of makes sense to do that”
But in reality, the issue with this is that you aren’t allowing your brother to learn how to help himself.
Because I hate to break this to you, but you’re not his mom or dad. You also aren’t going to be the one always present there for every single scenario. You’re a different age, different gender and also in two very different life situations. I’m sure you know this, but you’re also 21 so you also can’t like, really interact with these youths due to various legal reasons and general optics
I know you might have resistance towards this, I understand. I accept any downvotes, or if you want to give me any sort of counter because you’ve replied to everyone feel free. But honestly give it some thought, and maybe if it doesn’t make sense now, maybe it might in a couple of years.
Or at least I genuinely hope that you decide to shift your mindset towards this, because are you also seriously implying that what, once he’s 18 and wants to go to college you’re going to do the same thing? When he’s 22 and it’s hard for him to find a job, are you now going to take time out of your life to do that. Because remember at that point you’d be almost 30 constantly looking out for your brother.
Sure, you could maybe say that after a certain point you don’t need to do it anymore. But I’ll give you a hint: people who usually keep this type of behavior in their 20’s, usually keeps up with this mentality as the years go on
High school can suck for a lot of people as it tends to be all about cliques and shit. After it’s all over half those assholes become losers and the more nerdy less popular kids make something of themselves. However, looking back I would say fine tune your humor as that will make a girls panties drop fast if you can make them snort laugh. It’s like well little piggy you’re all mine now. Lol. Really I found just being funny and not caring what others think really helped meeting and getting with women.
He’ll learn eventually. 14 is roughly year 1 of “not a child anymore”. So it’s like beginning a whole new life.
First off, it’s very sweet of you to want to help. Unfortunately, there is only so much one can do. 14 is an extremely awkward age, especially for guys (Speaking from experience). The best advice I can give you, is to be there for him, and try not to pressure him too much into changing. You don’t wanna give him the impression that he needs to be someone else to have friends, or get girls. He’ll figure himself out eventually, as he goes through highschool, he’ll learn a lot about himself. In doing so, he’ll start to attract the girls that are more his type (as it develops). He’ll also meet people who share his interests, and be actual friends to him. What you can do, is be the best bigger sister you can be. Be there for him, do stuff with him, and take an interest in him and his hobbies. When you do this, you’ll be his go to for advice and guidance. It’s here that you’ll be able to give him suggestions, and advice that he’ll take to heart. Just having good people in his life is going to do wonders for his self confidence. Even if it’s just you as his close friend, it’ll help his confidence. It takes time, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Apologies for the ramble, as a 22 year old who took too long to figure this stuff out, I’m just speaking from the heart, and my personal experience dealing with major lack of confidence, and awkwardness. Hope this helps!
Women are born. Men are made.
Push him to do some challenging things, like physically rigorous things, its good for you and is a great way to build confidence also as someone who has won the dating game i can tell you the biggest thing is to just go on dates even if you don’t particularly like the looks of the person its good practice and who knows maybe you will find out they are more attractive than you originally thought
If he needs guidance it needs to come from a man. Your heart is in the right place but women give men and boys terrible advice in 99% of cases.
Like… BTS shopping…. hell no. Help him build a relationship with a man he looks up to. Then leave them to it.
I was like that at 14 but he will himself learn to grow and understand how to be cool. He already has 3 parents don’t be his third.
From your description he wants to know how to approach girls.
Tell him about the ugly side of women.
Women fart the same as men and it stinks the same.
Tell him how to use a condom and to never, ever ditch it because women do want to remain pregnant in order to keep a man. In teen years he is the most vulnerable because of this. Just look how many boys have been trapped by mature women.
Except this, tell him to hit a sport gym. No matter what sport, he will develop better but most important he will share a group of friends with similar interests. And healthy interests.
Give him the book The masterkey system by Charles F. Haanel. He will learn how to use his mind.
Other than that is nothing you can do to teach him how to be a man. You can teach him about women, not men.
It is not because you don’t want, it is because you can’t.
Example: You could tell me about periods all day and I still wouldn’t get it because I don’t have them and will never have them.
Also, high school is very different for boys and girls.
Girls start receiving attention from everyone after they develop curves. Boys will have semi-permanent erections and want to bang every hole they see and are mostly ignored by girls their age who look for older boys.
This is the reason men dislike prom movies but women love them. It goes the same for romance movies because they are in the similar period and it reminds them on a subconscious level of high school hell.
Edit: Tell him to listen Tom Leykis shows. You find them on youtube for free.
I think he needs to figure it out by himself. It’s great that you wanna help him but there are some things that he just has to get over by himself, like he believes girls don’t like him even tho from your description he should look better than an average 14yo for example. That’s a him thing and he needs to get over that barrier because he himself put the barrier there in the first place. It’s kinda like driving or riding a bike, there’s only so much other people can help you with, you need to figure out some things by yourself
Maybe help him understand that not every guy is [insert conventionally attractive celebrity] and that he still looks at least like an average 14yo and probably better. And that social skills are just skills, you aren’t born with or without them, you learn them, and the more time he spends learning them while he’s a teen the less awkward things are gonna be in his early adult life