Me and my bf have been together for about a year. We have had sex a total of two times. Neither of us finished on either occasion. Both times we did have sex, he only would if I rode him. Which is fine, but my legs got tired after 20 minutes, then that was the end of it. I am getting discouraged because he rarely shows any sexual interest in me. He swears he finds me attractive, but he doesn’t have the urge. He went to the doctor about it. His testosterone was fine, but they gave him some viagra. He’s never used it. He use to make conditions, such as: “we will have sex when you’re on birth control.” “We can’t have sex if Ted (my child from previous relationship) is in the house”. I fixed all the conditions he threw at me. I am not being shy about my desires either. I tell him something blunt like, “I need to be dicked down today ;)” And he always says “oh I know”. He has a thing about bad breath and if my legs get prickly, so I shave everything, then brush, flush, and use mouthwash. Still nothing. I go to bed completely naked, still nothing. I bought something sexy to wear, but I’m afraid to be rejected again so I haven’t worn it. I’ve tried not trying to have sex with him. Nothing. I have a pretty high sex drive, mostly just like having sex to show my affection. He shows his affection other ways. We cuddle, kiss, talk all sweet, which I love. However, this is getting to my confidence and I’m getting more and more upset with each rejection. He has insecurities and is afraid I’ll go looking for sex elsewhere. But, I am faithful and he’s the only man I want to have sex with dammit. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Identify your priorities in a relationship. You may find that no one can meet your sexual pleasures. Focus on foreplay as this is a great past time and allows for a better intimate connection.
Is he stressed a lot at work? My bf has very high sex drive, but he do not want to do anything with me when he is stressed at work. So am I.
Stress affect sexual activity a lot.
To clarify, I’m not looking for a sex marathon with the guy. Just maybe once every week or two.
Ooo forgot to add something important. He had been single for a long time before we started dating. Like years. I know he has some sort of sex drive, because we talked about our similar taste in porn and he has a flesh light.
I honestly don’t think it’s possible for you to improve this–its one thing if there interest was there and he’s lost it, but he never had it in the first place. It sounds like he just doesn’t care about sex at all.
My first thoughts are he’s either 1) Watching a ton of porn and has PIED and other issues affecting his sexual interest or cause performance anxiety, 2) maybe he’s not heterosexual and the relationship is about keeping appearances, 3) he’s asexual.
You mentioned in a comment he watches porn and has a fleshlight, so I’m leaning towards 1). How much porn does he watch? If it’s a lot or for hours at a time, he might have porn induced ED (PIED) and/or might not be able to get aroused unless he watches porn. That’s becoming a very common issue. If it’s not a porn related issue, then you need to sit him down and have a conversation with him and figure out if he’s stressed, anxious, or what his true feelings are about sex.
Edit: I see you said you’re in rural Bible Belt, so option 2 is not out of the question either I guess.
He has been single for a long time. He went to the doctor and they gave him viagra. It seems that he might have some anxiety about his sexual performance and your initiating sex makes him more nervous. This is just my guess. Once he has more success, he’ll feel more calm and confident about sex and want to do it more. Have you thought about getting help for him from sex therapist? If you have tried everything but he didn’t even put in any effort, time to part your ways and find some man who’s smitten with you.
What has changed lately?
Girl, you might be a beard.
He doesn’t get hard when it’s time for sex. Doesn’t use the aid to get him hard for sex. Gives you excuse after excuse. But yet can kiss and cuddle?
Something to think about
ETA: based off your comments, I think this relationship is one he’s using to hide that he might not be heterosexual.
Saying that he finds you attractive but then not wanting to have sex with you, are in some ways , two different things.
Partly because we can have sex with someone we don’t find attractive as well.
So if it’s been this long and he doesn’t have a interest to have sex with you, then you can totally call it a deal breaker and head off to the sunset and find somebody else.
The reason I say this is because he doesn’t seem to be bringing up the topic and explaining why he doesn’t have interest for sex and doesn’t seem to be making any motion to figure out what’s wrong, or continuing to give every excuse he can to not have sex even though you have taken out some of those excuses already , so how much longer do you want to stick around like that?
He genuinely sounds asexual.
If you’ve had sex twice over the course of a year and he wasn’t into it, didn’t orgasm, and required that you ride him, this is not the behaviour of a straight man who is sexual. If he makes excuses about prickly legs, needing mouthwash etc, then he doesn’t sound like a sexual person. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s clearly an incompatibility. Especially given all the things you’ve done to try and get him interested. This man sounds asexual or gay, just being real.
Sex is not important to him but it is to you. It’s called sexual incompatibility. Did you try BJs?
Sounds you need a bf that wants to have sex and not make excuses.
You have a few options I could suggest. Some people hate to admit it but sex is very important in a relationship. It sounds sad but a sexless relationship doesn’t work and you can see it happening from your own eyes. Doesn’t mean you don’t love him or enjoy everything else but this has become a huge problem for you. 2 options: try to set up some type of therapy for you both to see if there can be a resolution. Other option is y’all just aren’t compatible enough and you should probably break up. Everything else can be fine in the relationship but that one thing will cause issues eventually. And it’s not like you’re just breaking up because “sex” it’s because you have an important need that isn’t being met and if there can’t be a compromise then it won’t work. It’s the sad truth but best of luck to you!
It sounds he can be a friend, but not a partner. TWINCE IN A YEAR! And it’s a new relationship, so most likely it will turn into ZERO in a year.
Your sex drives just don’t seem to match up. It’s a common thing in long term relationships and it most likely won’t get better. Unless there is a medical problem that is found and corrected, someone’s sex drive usually dont get better with age, at least not for men as their testosterone starts to dip. So you need to decide if you can live with the status quo with the understanding that it may never and most likely not get better or you need to move on.
There something else going on with this guy. Prickly legs stops him from having sex with his girlfriend of a year? Nah.
All these things he’s saying are just obstacles he’s creating. Maybe he’s gay and doesn’t know how to deal with it.
I don’t know why everyone is telling you to work harder when you’ve done so much to get such a basic part of a relationship. Tell him that he needs to tell you what the problem is with honesty or you’re gonna start thinking about ending things. There is nothing weird or demanding about wanting sexual intimacy.
Porn addict – spent so much of his life hacking it to women online that he doesn’t know how to have sex with a real woman.
“We can’t have sex because my legs aren’t shaved” – I’m not hugely experienced with sex but I have learned that some hair on my legs isn’t gonna stop him from having a good time, and it hasn’t.
This guy is only interested in his digital world and real life women don’t do it for him. Plenty of subs on Reddit with women with the same problem. My advice.is.run. he has a sex drive, just not for you.
Its been a year, you have made what you want known. He has understood, he just doesn’t care. He is happy with what you are doing now. He wont change. You cant make him want sex. You can only decide if the good outweighs the bad at this point. Is he worth it? Mine wasnt.
He has some sort of sexual issue going on. Could be addicted to porn, masturbation, has a problem with premature ejaculation or some other erectile dysfunction issue. That’s why he has so many ‘conditions’ for you to meet – he’s trying to find reasons to avoid sex.
Being constantly rejected over and over again is gonna do serious damage to your self-esteem over time. You need to cut your losses.
You should check out r/deadbedrooms . I’m in the same boat unfortunately.
Sorry if he is watching porn and masterbating and refuses to touch you in a year-he needs to either get help or you need to find a new partner (if sex is important to you). This is not normal behavior and he could have have a porn addiction (we don’t have enough info). Have an honest conversation. Is he giving you everything else you need? This isn’t a love language thing this is something bigger. Sex twice in a yearlong relationship when neither partner is against sex-it’s not healthy or normal.
I was married to the same for 23 years..for the last 16..nothing at all. He was a wonderful man but my sex drive was way higher then his. Sex maybe once year if I was lucky. He was the same way. It was like he had no sex drive at all. We discussed it many times. I outright asked if he was gay and he said no.it was his second marriage and he told me sometimes he and his ex would have sex up to 8 times a day. It got to a point where he wouldn’t kiss me or hold me because he thought it might lead to me wanting sex. I finally left him. Don’t waste your time trying to change him. If you can live without sex (though it doesn’t seem like it), fine. If not, move on because you’re already thinking it’s your fault!
Your boyfriend likely has a porn addiction, it’s becoming increasingly common, and causes disinterest in actual sex, as well as erectile dysfunction.
I knew a guy that acted like this. He is doing life in jail for having…the wrong type of porn.
You deserve better.
Im sorry, but its tough for a tiger to change its stripes. I dont think he is likely to improve.