I wouldn’t say I make hasty decisions, but I think within 10-15 minutes it’s pretty easy to tell if a date has potential or not. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or money so I always do drinks as a first date, but that can last up to 1-2 hours and get expensive if there are cocktails or apps involved.
What’s the best course of actions in these situations? I can’t decide if it’s more rude to waste someone’s time or to cut the date short?
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i eventually switched to tea dates. once the tea is done, you can keep talking or pivot if it goes well. if not, who gets a second cup of tea? out of there in 30-45min.
The “optimal” thing is probably to get up and leave. But personally I’ve always felt like this is incredibly rude so I just stay the full hour and then say “good night”.
rude to waitstaff, woefully different looking in person, is my FBI agent in disguise.
Don’t drink and only keep it to 1 hour as a firm cut off.
Just let it run its course. I get the 15 minute rule. Sometimes people need a little time to loosen up.
Otherwise meet for drinks first and go from there.
I’ll bail after the first drink. That’s like an hour tops usually. Leaving in the first 10 minutes is pretty rude.
Personally on dates the best is museums, art exhibits, charity events. Why? because it is enriching for yourself and for them. And if it goes nowhere not only did you have a good time, you learn something and maybe grew a little bit + your money goes to a good cause instead of consumerism.
Grab two cups of tea or coffee from the Museum café and walk and talk about the art and history. you can learn a lot about somebody by how they perceive new and interesting things.
Depends on the level of “not working out.” It’s a pretty broad range.
If it’s just not a feeling that there’s any real chemistry, that otherwise they’re a decent person, but you know there won’t be further dates… I say just enjoy the rest of the time, enjoy your cocktail, and the opportunity to be out of the house with what is otherwise a co-worker/acquaintance/friend-of-a-friend. Be open and honest that you did have a decent time, but you didn’t feel the chemistry you were looking for or encourage them to keep looking elsewhere; real and helpful compliments can go a long way in softening the blow, just be sure to be direct and open so as to not lead them on with the compliment.
If it’s problematic, and only you know your reasons, politely think of something to compliment them on, but then explain that it’s best that you both go your separate ways and wish them the best. If they’re remotely aggressive or insecure that you’re worried about something, do not give them any reason to be provoked or escalate.
Not every “bad date” is the same level of bad.
one drink, no apps, i’ll usually say something like “i can’t have any more drinks because i need to drive”
That’s why I do something easy to escape and fairly inexpensive. I’ve had amazing first dates that were just walking around downtown and terrible first dates where I just ordered a PBR, sometimes abandoning it at the bar.
I always show up a little early, order something fairly cheap and easy to get in me, and if the date is something I need to shut down in 30 minutes or they need to shut it down we have some friendly get to know you conversation, I finish my drink and say “I have to get going but it was nice to meet you”. Sometimes they end it by making up some excuse to leave the place but the impact is the same.
Edit: the key is show up a little early, prepay for your 1 drink, that way you can just leave when you decide you’re done with the conversation. No opening a tab, no apps, just 1 drink.
Edit again: apparently men (I’m sure this is men) are angry I showed up, am on time and already paid for myself which is HILARIOUS to me. My favorite is the comment that I should “at least” buy this random dude a drink too. Anything I or other women owe a male stranger is what I give out: my time, my punctuality and my ability to pay my own tab.
I would vote to change your first date type. Even if someone doesn’t have romantic potential, it’s still kind to talk with them for 45-60 minutes since they made the time and effort to see you. (Assuming they didn’t do something gravely offensive, but just that it’s not a spark)
So instead of cocktails and apps, consider bubble tea or coffee or something else where you pay a small amount upfront instead of a bill growing larger. Then if the date goes well enough to extend it, you can order another round, or go for a walk, or move to another location for pastries.
Honestly maybe I’m a bit too old fashioned (and old) but if I’m inviting a person out then I want to show them a nice time. That usually means I’ll buy drinks and food and give them at least 2 hours so they have a good time for coming out.
Once the timer hits I ask for the check and hit the restroom (this seems to be a great segue in general) and then say it’s time to go. And everyone so far knows what that means.
So maybe something similar will work for you?
I have always stayed long to be polite. This has been a complete waste of time, each time.
I had never thought of cutting it short, but your post has motivated me to do so. Honesty must be more prevalent and acceptable.
If the guy is genuinely a good person, and I can tell for some reason it isn’t a match, I still give my all as far as conversation and don’t necessarily put a time limit. I’ll stick to one drink if that’s the case (or none) and I always offer to split the bill. If they reach out about getting together again I send this text: “Hey! Thank you so much for taking me out, I had a really nice time, but I’m not feeling a romantic connection. Wishing you all the best :)”
Coffee is a fifteen minute date. Personally, I think it’s rude to walk out on a date unless they become genuinely offensive.
I just finish the date. Usually on this kind of date (where I’ve determined early on there is no spark / chemistry), the guy is still smart, nice, interesting, etc – so I just enjoy the convo and then decline a second date.
I went on a walk in the park as a first date recently. Could tell right away there was no chemistry but he was nice. And it was a morning walk so I started the day with a bit of exercise and some sunshine and the company of a nice person. Not the worst way to spend an hour with someone I’ll never see again.
That or coffee. I don’t like alcoholic drinks when you’re meeting someone for the first time.
climb out the bathroom window? lol its 1 hr
Don’t order a second drink. That usually sends the signal.
Treat it as an opportunity for practice, getting to know the person, and learning a bit about them. Most people are pretty fascinating if you get to know them, so even if the date isn’t fantastic, at least I met a new person on earth and can wish them well on their journey.
> I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or money so I always do drinks as a first date, but that can last up to 1-2 hours
I dunno, drink faster? Bars are my default, too, and I can chug a beer down in 30 minutes, no problem. I’ve never had a date so bad that couldn’t handle it for 30 minutes.
That’s how dating works though. You take a chance on people and see if you “click”. I think it would be rude and cheap to call the date off after you’ve arrived in person. Find other ways of vetting them and hold off on in-person dates if you are worried about wasting money.
I used to just finish the entire date. It’s fun and interesting to get to know someone and hear about there outlook on life and their experiences. I only went on a few dates before I met my current girlfriend, but in the other dates when I wasn’t feeling it, it was fine because I wasn’t nervous or anything and would be able to relax and just get to know them. When I met my current girlfriend on our first date I was a nervous wreck because for the entire week talking with her before we met up I could tell she was the kind of girl I’ve always wanted to be with, so yeah, I was a nervous wreck when we met lol.
I try to make sure they know it’s going to be brief before the date. Something like “I’m meeting up with some friends for dinner, but we can go somewhere for a drink before.” That way I have an out and they’re already expecting it. If there is chemistry, I’ll make plans for the next time that will be a longer time together. And if it’s not feeling right, I always pay for whatever I ordered. It’s only fair.
I don’t have an answer but I think your mindset is terrible, if you only go for people that you feel ‘sparks’ in the first 15 minutes, 9/10 times they’re probably gonna be a sociopath.
Getting to know people takes a long time and if your stuck in the mindset of “this is going nowhere” you’ll never really grow. Even if the first date was actually bad it could be for a multitude of reasons without it being “not a good match”. There was a thread a few days ago about a woman who couldn’t connect with anyone and her friends told her she was being standoff-ish and she started giving second dates a try anyways. She’s still single (to my knowledge) but she was seeing better results.
You need to get into the mindset of believing in second dates. While I think love at first sight is possible most people who fall in love asap are kind of immature and a red flag.
Do you not see how contradictory your first sentence is?
I’m a guy – I’ve been lucky to not ever have a “bad” date. There’s been some where I didn’t feel any chemistry, but I still stay for a drink or two cause I just love to meet new people and hear their stories. When that happens usually we don’t end up contacting each. other after. Or if she asks me out again then I’ll reply politely that I had a good time but I didn’t really feel a spark.
I’ve never known after 10-15 mins if the chemistry is there or not. There’s a lot of nerves involved in the first date and I dont think 15 mins really gives a good impression on either side. I’d rather talk for ~an hour. I don’t see it as a waste. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. (This is all provided your date isn’t doing anything egregiously bad, like texting the entire time or being rude. But again, nothing like that has ever happened to me yet, luckily.)
Just having a good time chatting with someone isnt wasting their time. If Im having interesting conversations, I would stick as long as I would on any first date, and then not go on a 2nd. Its rare for me to leave really early.
Do coffee instead – much shorter.
And when you book the date. Say you have a short lunch break- 30mins when you can meet up. Keep it short and sweet. (It’s a lie..: if the date goes well… you have the whole afternoon and evening available still)
Last week I met a man for ice-cream. Before we gave our order he described himself as a tick (“I’m like a tick – if I’m into you, you’ll need to burn me off”) and then I quickly learned he’s still married & living with his wife although “in the process” of separating/divorce. Once we made it to the table I explained that I don’t date married men so there was no future potential but he was welcome to join me in conversation while I finished my scoop. The next 20 minutes further confirmed our immense incompatibility (he informed me that Australia has interment camps for people who are unvaccinated) & I enjoyed a yummy treat
Unless there’s something that feels potentially dangerous about the person, I just wait it out. I already invested the time to get pretty and get to the date, hanging out for an hour or whatever doesn’t feel like a waste just because I’ve decided I’m not going to go out with them again. And I might get a good story out of it! Besides, there’s always a chance that the person is nervous or shy, and they’ll turn things around later. I don’t really gain anything by leaving early.
I once had a terrible date. After 20 minutes I wanted out. I dragged it out to about 50 minutes then said “I’m going home now, I feel really uncomfortable and I’m not having a good time” and I left.
It was liberating.
I’ve bailed within 10 minutes before. Said I forgot something in my car and drove off. The woman I had met was already wasted drunk and reeked of vomit. No thanks!
Then don’t do drinks for first date. It takes a lot for a woman to get ready for a date night. Why don’t you invite to meet for a coffee instead? You can cut that coffee time short without wasting anyone’s time if it’s a not a good match.
On the same token if it’s going great you can get something else and hang around, or hop to another place, or walk after, then you can ask for an actual date night.
But really, 15 minutes is super shallow.
IMHO if you can get up and leave within 10-15 minutes it means you didn’t do a thorough job weeding out people on the app. Are you picky enough on the app before the first dates?
10-15 minutes. Damn! To each their own of course. Short of the person doing something offensive, you’ve barely had time to order your drink and learn how to pronounce each other’s name. I’m assuming you expect folks to do the same with you. I’m all for not dragging things out. It just seems… extreme.