I have a cousin that’s never had a boyfriend. She’s 30 years old and wants to experience being in a relationship. She wants to get married one day but she’s too shy to date or put herself out there. How do I go about finding older men and screening potential partners? Most men care too much for physical appearance and have just completely ignored her but she’s so sweet and caring. How and where do I show that good side of her to guys that WANT to actually be in a long lasting relationship with someone, and that will not be toxic?
Edit:
She’s not butt ugly just overweight, I will try to get her to go to the gym with me
She’s dyslexic, hence the us 2 female cousins helping her make the profile and screening people
She’s never been in a relationship due to multiple reasons. Some of those reasons being: how she grew up and how incredibly shy she is
Most of you guys are saying to put her in places with people who like the same thing or church. We will attempt that.
Thank you to the people that answered in such a short time, we will further discuss on how to proceed.
2nd edit: We have decided to work out as a group to help her motivation and after she feels a bit better she will “put herself out there” in community type places doing things she enjoys. She will also start going to church.
41 comments
>She’s too shy to date or put herself out there.
That’s incompatible with her stated goal
I’d recommend a paid dating site, like Match.com. I’m a straight man, but when I went on there, the setting was pretty serious and I didnt see many (if any) profiles that werent looking for a serious relationship. If she goes on Tinder/Bumble shes likely going to end up with way lower quality people.
We exist, but she also has to put in the effort to find us. Dating apps have been unsuccessful for me so I am now relying mainly on my network of friends/family as well as joing new club/activities.
…Is she ugly?
The environment matters to an extent.
For example, if you are a church girl who wants to marry, you probably should look for one at a church. There’s a solid number of guys at churches who want to find a wife also.
But if you try to find someone in a nightclub or bar… good luck. It’s definitely possible, but the demographic there are men who want to have fun and just hook up.
Think about what your cousin values (religion, hobbies, recreation) and then put her in environments conducive to that, like church, art classes, etc.
I can tell you right away, anyone looking for a relationship like that is never going to find one. You’re already setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations.
Honestly at 30 years, she’s an adult and should be able to approach and let a guy know what she’s looking for.
Go into a date just to have fun. Not necessarily sexual fun, just to meet and get to know people. That’s how you naturally find people you like being around and eventually date. If you go into a date saying “I’m looking for a husband” you’re gunna scare every guy away because that’s unrealistic to even talk about on the first date.
If she’s never even dated anyone that’s just a huge red flag to guys to.
Physical appearance is the essence of sexual attraction.
Bumble worked for my fiance. She found me that way and I found her. Though I think your cousin is going to accept that she might get burned the first time or two.
They are all largely in the same places.
The issue is filtering for the guys actually looking for a relationships and also being relationship material yourself.
Due to supply and demand the dating world tends to work on the inverse for both genders. Women tend to be able to find sex easily in general. Dateable men tend to be able to find relationships easily.
Physical attraction always matters no matter what you are looking for. Guys will often downgrade on that requirement for just sex, but rarely for relationships. The less attractive someone is the harder it will be to find a decent serious partner.
All men care about physical appearance when looking for prospective partners, expecting someone not to care about that is unreasonable. The only situation where I can see physical appearance not being an important factor is in the case of sugar daddies and babies where the financial aspect outweighs the physical part.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa omfg buy a dog.
Seriously, does that not sound idiotic and childish to anyone but me?
If she is too shy to date then she first needs to build up confidence and self esteem. Help her work on herself in any way and keep that chin up. Get her in to more social situations that aren’t dates first.
> Most men care too much for physical appearance and have just completely ignored her but she’s so sweet and caring.
With all due respect, a woman who is thirty and never had any relationships isn’t something common. Considering that they (you?) are the receivers of courtship and affection and how men have relatively average demands when it comes to the appearance of *real life* women, either she is a complete shut-in or, you know, *not attractive*.
If its the former (her being a shut-in), then she must step on the throat of her shyness and, well, show herself to the world. She can join language classes, dancing lessons, or any other activity where people meet *in person*.
If its the latter (the appearance), then I am sorry, but unless you are older than 50 the appearance matters. If it’s weight, send her to the gym to lose it. If its something else… good luck.
Fantasy world.
“Most men care too much for physical appearance”
Not the butt ugly ones.
But to your question, if she wants to find a good, perfect man to settle down with then she needs to first date a bunch of shitheads and learn from each failure, and improve thru iterations
*Calm seas don’t make strong sailors*
Plenty of men do want long relationships, but a lot of factors make it difficult – mutual shyness is definitely one of them. A lot of the most assertive people in the dating world either want hookups or are confident younger women who know they can get a man. Men who want to date long term are a bit more standoffish, as are most women. This is why getting out there in your community and meeting people locally is a good idea. Otherwise I’d say try a dating website and actually commit to it
Honestly, she needs to work on herself by losing both weight and shyness. This will make things a *lot* easier. She should also be realistic, meaning that she won’t find a husband right away – or at all. Marriage is outdated and many men men are simply not able to afford it anymore. And those who can have higher standards…
It sounds weird but maybe try international guys on those apps. Allow me to explain, myself in my own country I’m just a regular guy, but when in Europe apparently I’m ten times more attractive. As the say “no one is a prophet in their own land”
As a dude in this situation I just want to say you’re doing the Lord’s work. We’re expected to know what to do by now as far as dating/approaching people. Sometimes people just fall through the cracks. Although my confidence when it comes to dating is non-existent, I can tell you that one thing that has helped me feel better about myself was getting into shape. It has made life a bit easier, which does translate into how you carry yourself.
Probably at work, or helping friends that need it.
“… she’s so sweet and caring. How and where do I show that good side of her … ”
You can’t. And if you try most guys used car dealer BS alarm will go off and they won’t believe you.
Best thing you can do is just get her into groups where she can show that herself.
As for where.
I’d say church groups or maybe volunteer organizations that do a lot of outreach type events. If she’s as nice as you say then some guy will see and things will go naturally from there.
Plus you and your girlfriends probably don’t want to be putting yourselves too much in the middle in the beginning. Are you planning on holding her hand throughout her whole marriage? She’s gotta put on her big girl pants and handle things herself eventually.
I personally believe that finding someone the natural way without the use of Tinder or other dating apps is very healthy and beneficial. Not only will you be attracted to what one another looks like in person rather than the pictures you take online but you will get to know one another on a more personal level and in many cases be much closer regarding travel distances.
Not the question you asked, but there is some overlap with dyslexia and neurodivergence, which could also explain why she is shy. Neurodivergent people have a particularly difficult time dating a lot of the time. Might be something to look into.
Other than that, probably try to find places where she has common interests with the other people. I would not recommend dating apps personally, but that’s just me.
Basically anywhere. That said sex is a critical component of any real relationship.
Most guys want a real relationship. Its mostly girls who don’t care what the men want that make that part difficult. She’ll get a relationship pretty easily if she just cares about the man as a person and not assume all the radical feminist stuff is true that he’s secretly some predator or ‘unga bunga boobs!’ and such.
It sounds like she may need to work with a therapist to resolve some of her own issues first. You said she’s had problems with alcohol? Is that an ongoing problem?
>Most men care too much for physical appearance and have just completely ignored her
Yeah no. What you mean is most men that are attractive want an attractive partner. Just like most attractive women want an attractive partner.
>Edit: She’s not butt ugly just overweight, I will try to get her to go to the gym with me
Then look for fat guys…or is she unwilling to date fat guy? If it’s the latter…..pot meet kettle….
Lastly, just admit this is for you and not some imaginary dyslexic cousin.
Cant get anyone to love you until you love yourself. That’s just something she needs to work on.
And looks start the initial attraction, but personality is the thing that keeps it.
Relationship oriented men don’t go out of their way to hit on girls as much. All of the relationships I’ve been in have just been organic friendships that turned romantic after getting comfortable with eachother, and in all cases we met through school or work, rather than in bars and shit. Not saying thAt last point isnt possible though.
>>Most men care too much for physical appearance
Most women care too much for financial provision/socioeconomic status. 🤷🏾♂️
You can’t just point “shallow” fingers like that. At least physical appearance is easier to control.
>Most men care too much for physical appearance and have just completely ignored her but she’s so sweet and caring
I assure you that most men want a relationship with someone who is “sweet and caring”. The problem is that nobody can look at a person and _see_ how sweet and caring they are. You have to _get to know_ someone in order for that to be apparent.
But we can all see how you look. What has she done to progress things further than just men looking at her? What has she done to show off this caring nature you speak of? How would anyone even know?
If you don’t have good answers to the above, you have no reason to suspect that “men care too much for physical appearance”.
If you don’t try to do stuff, stuff will never do you. I’m shy too, and being a man I’m expected to make the first step more often than women so that fucking sucks. But if your cousin is interested in someone she should make that clear or at least try to get closer to them. Starting from friend groups could be a good idea, of course that doesn’t mean she has to go after every man that comes close to her, she probably has standards to help her define her ideal man, so she should listen to them.
Tell her to text me
At 30 most good partners are taken
Definitely minority here but I could never fathom just casual sex….I made it very goal driven from high school days to find someone I would want to settle down with or else I felt like I was wasting time…no one wants to move houses several times or change jobs constantly so why on earth would I want to change partners several times.
You don’t anymore. Women fucked that up.
This is a tough ask. According to your comments:
She’s overweight
She’s stressed
She’s depressed
She’s so dyslexic she’s unable to write a dating profile or chat to men via text messages
She’s so shy she can’t or won’t get out there and meet guys in the flesh
She’s never had a relationship even though she’s like 30
She’s content to let her cousins choose her husband
One of these by itself may be sufficient to make a fair portion of guys not interested. All of these quirks together in one person means that the proportion of single guys who are willing to look past _all_ of these issues is going to be minuscule.
I really think your cousin needs to work on herself, because at the moment she’s only going to attract men whose standards are very low indeed, and I doubt it will turn out well. She should work on physical health, mental health, and confidence.
It’s lovely that you’re trying to help her, but seriously she’s a grown woman, and needs to help herself.
So the plan for a 30 yr is to put her self out with all the sharks outside without she even know the game well
Hopefully its turn out good, i have six sisters i know lil bit
It would be nice go to voluntary groups and find people that lovr and have the same values know each others
Soon or later will happen
Take care of her if she is so sweet
I hope for the best from the bottom of my heart👍🏻😍
What does she do and what are in interests. he way that you describe her she lives in the cupboard under the stairs.
Also how overweight is she? There’s chubby and then there’s morbidly obese.
My question is, is she open to fat and lowly paid guys? Like I see many women like this but they always go for very high quality guys. They may not register it in their head that the guy is high quality but then their met with disappointment when he doesn’t want them back. Visit anime conventions, get into online forums that have people in your city, also just go out more (libraries, concerts, theatre, comedy shows, and etc).
>Most men care too much for physical appearance and have just completely ignored her but she’s so sweet and caring.
This told me everything about her without even knowing her.
She is a BIG GAL and puts no effort in improving this situation.
You can’t fuck a personality.
30 and already massive is a huge red flag.
Men are visual creatures and if she wants a long term relationship that will last, she needs to take the time to improve herself first.
That’s the harsh truth.