Hey friends, so recently my girlfriend has received a serious but not life threatening medical diagnosis and the weeks leading up to it have stressed our relationship thoroughly. I’m looking for perspective here because she and I disagree about something and we’re both convinced that we each are right.
The other night she was feeling awful and was having a good cry on the couch and I asked if she wanted me to come hold her, she declined. I asked her if she wanted me to just sit by her, she said she wasn’t sure. I said, in a joking way to try to lighten the mood, okay and that I’ll just quietly and bother her until she tells me to leave. I sit for a few minutes until she asks me if I’m just going to watch her cry. I say “Uh what”. She asks if I’m going to do anything, I tell her she declined being held what else did she want me to do? Name it. She says to not worry about it and I can go. I ask if she wants some alone time and that I tell her its perfectly valid to need that. She just says yes.
I walk away and make it into the next room before I hear her mumble something. I turn around and pop my head back into the living room and ask her to repeat. She says something like “you have better things to do” I say not really. My hobbies are working on cars and playing video games I’m not strapped for time right now. Frankly the conversation got a little heated from there and I’m not sure enough of exact words that were said but the important part is this:
She eventually says something like “I dont want you to ask what I need I just want you to do it” Hwat. I ask what she means and she says something like: You ask if I want to be held, dont ask just do it.” More conversation happens and I find out she says no but wants yes. I told her that thats not happening. I’m not a mind reader nor am I going to pretend to be one. If she needs something, anything! I’m on it but she has to tell me first. She doesn’t want that she wants me to just know despite what she says and to do it. Now mind you we’ve been together for quite a while now so generally speaking I know what she wants/needs usually in the moment but even if I think I know I’m def not going against what she says. I’ve taken a hard line in the sand. What she says she wants, she gets, no more or less. Its on her to clearly communicate needs.
TL;DR: GF and I disagree wants/needs.
4 comments
OP, you are drawing a reasonable line here. You can’t be expected to read her mind and as an adult she is responsible for communicating what she needs regardless of how long you’ve been together.
And “no” NEVER means “yes.”
So I understand where she’s coming from, emotionally. You don’t HAVE to ask for everything. You two – it sounds like – live together. You’re pretty close. You don’t have to ask her if she needs to be held. You know her well enough to know that, at this point, right? It can be very frustrating – especially when you’re in an emotionally fraught state – to feel like you have to navigate both your own pain and be in charge of someone comforting you.
On the other hand, you know, when you ask, she should just say yes if that’s something she wants. I hate the fact that she pushed you away and then acted like you leaving was a problem. That’s downright shitty of her. But, again – you know, people aren’t at their best when they’re diagnosed with a serious medical condition, even if it’s not something that’s going to kill them.
For you to say, “What she says she wants, she gets, no more or less,” is honestly kind of shitty of you. Be a human being. When it’s obvious what’s going on and how you can support her, you can just do that. Have a little compassion and be proactive. People in healthy relationships do things for each other all the time without being asked, and having to ask for every tiny bit of emotional support sounds, quite frankly, exhausting.
>She eventually says something like “I dont want you to ask what I need I just want you to do it” Hwat.
My wife is the same way, and it *pisses me off!*
I’m with you: I’ll do anything she wants, but:
* I have to know she wants it, and
* the way to make sure I know she wants it is for her to tell me, and
* the best way to make sure she tells me is for me to ask her
The risk is doing something without asking, and her biting your head off because of it.
Now, what if you went to hold her, without asking permission first? She’d be justified (in her mind, anyway) in de-balling you for invading her space, if it’s not something she wants.
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>I find out she says no but wants yes.
This is the *exact* dynamic I was talking about! We’re supposed to be mind readers, and somehow know what she means, instead of what she says… or doesn’t say.
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>I’m not a mind reader
Really? So I guess that disqualifies you, me and 99.999% of the male gender from being in a relationship with a woman.
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>She doesn’t want that; she wants me to just know, despite what she says, and to do it.
I added the punctuation to the above sentence, and it made sense (what you meant, anyway).
You’re right: we’re not mind readers, and not necessarily polygraph machines, either, so being put into a position where we have to somehow manifest these abilities is wildly unfair.
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>Its on her to clearly communicate needs.
THANK YOU!!!
I thought *I* was the only one who took that position.
I’ve been married for 20 years, and my wife *still* thinks that I’m somehow supposed to know what to think/say/do/feel in certain circumstances without being told (or having to ask first), and, that if I can’t do that, it’s somehow a failure on my part.
Asking about it first kills the spontaneous mood, and invalidates whatever you say or do next, even if it’s exactly what she wanted.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn’t get any better with time.
Logically, of course, you are right. The best way for someone to get their needs across in the moment is to communicate them. But somehow, having been in a relationship for a while is supposed to “make you somehow know” what the right answer is in all situations, and at all times.
And that’s a pretty tall order.
From her side, it smacks of your being inattentive and non-perceptive if you don’t develop this clairvoyant sixth sense. *Of course* that’s flat-out insane, and I’m with you in standing your ground in the interests of sanity and reason.
But lest we forget, affairs of the heart are often subject to neither of those…
**So here’s what you can do:** you can go with the “shoot first and ask questions later” approach she advocated, BUT she forfeits the right to bite your head off if you are somehow wrong.
This means: if you sense she wants to be held, for example, and you go to do it, and she really doesn’t want it, she can’t get mad, especially when you remind her that you sensed it, went to do it, and didn’t ask first because you knew that (asking first) is not what she wants.
There it is. She can have one way or the other, but not both.
My interest is in keeping you from getting castrated for making a wrong move.
Good luck!
Ahh, I can understand both sides here. Rationally, I’m completely on your side, though.
>”I dont want you to ask what I need I just want you to do it”
I’m on your side with this one. Asking for consent to touch someone in a high-stress situation isn’t strange at all. When me or my boyfriend is high in emotions, we both tend to do the same. Sometimes you want to be held, sometimes you don’t. If you were to “just do it” rather than ask, there is a high chance she’ll physically push you away from her, which is something nobody wants.
There are times where I revert back to my old, uncommunicative mindset, which is very similar to your girlfriend’s. I think I can understand her train of thought.
**My analysis:**
Disclaimer: statements below aren’t actually rationally factual; it’s simply how I would have interpreted it back when I didn’t understand emotions and communication.
>she was feeling awful and was having a good cry on the couch and I asked if she wanted me to come hold her
My guess is that she hoped your first instinct would be to console her and ask her what’s wrong/if she’s okay. By asking her if she *wants* to be held, you’re putting the option on the table that she can decline. If you give her (and yourself) that option, then that means you’re not actually all that motivated to console her when she’s in need for support.
>she declined
If you have to ask, it doesn’t feel like it comes naturally to you. It sounds like a boyfriend-chore that doesn’t have true empathy behind it. It’s just something you “have” to do.
> I asked her if she wanted me to just sit by her, she said she wasn’t sure.
She initially wanted it, but after the negative first interaction, she likely genuinely wasn’t sure. She doesn’t want to say yes, but she doesn’t want to say no. She also tried to see what you’d do. Would you try to leave, or would you stay if the choice was yours?
>and that I’ll just quietly and bother her until she tells me to leave.
Ahh, this likely made her feel more alone. The more you talk about leaving, the more she’ll believe that that’s what you *actually* want to do. If *that’s* your initial reaction rather than asking her why she’s crying, she’ll assume that’s where your priorities lie.
>She asks if I’m going to do anything, I tell her she declined being held what else did she want me to do? Name it. She says to not worry about it and I can go.
She wanted you to be a friend. A person who lets her vent without judgement nor search for solutions. She wanted you to show her you were there emotionally rather than just physically. Get her something to drink, look her in the eye and remind her you’ll be by her side through this. Tell her it hurts to see her cry and that you want her to be happy. Tell her she’s beautiful and that you love her.
But you sat and waited. To her, it probably felt like you were waiting to be excused. And so she did. She didn’t feel like she mattered to you; she felt like a burden.
The logic is that she didn’t want you to console her for her, but rather for yourself. She wants *you* to want *her* to be happy so that *you* can be happy, but she doesn’t feel like her being sad makes a difference to how you feel. You want her to be happy so she’s not sad anymore. It’s all about her and it has no emotional effect on you.
I could go on, but it’s getting too long. Long story short, she wants more effort in the empathy department. You weren’t in the wrong per se, but I’ll admit it’s not the reaction that most women would appreciate. If you need more stereotypical yet personally relatable womanly insight, feel free to ask lmao.