This is a letter I wrote my wife. Hopefully to get us to closer as married couple and intimate. Any advice or just to tell me i blew it let me know. I changed or omitted mine and my families real names for obvious reasons.
Hello Luv,
May 11th 2001 is a day that will always be remembered, it is the day we started dating. You remember how our friends got me to finally ask you out? It was not the most romantic way, but truth or dare with strip poker sure was memorable. I have a lot of wonderful memories of us. The first time we kissed, the first time I mumbled I love you, and of course the first time we had sex. I swear it must be a record for shortest time having sex ever! Yes, because of me not you.
You are amazing, and you are my best friend. I love it when we play uno, or munchkin as family or when you kick my ass in Mario or monopoly. I love it how you still can’t make macaroni and cheese no matter how hard you try. How we both have a black thumb, and our gardens have always been crap. Except zucchini for some reason, you are expert with zucchini. I adore you when you try to act cute and act like you didn’t know you hungry and take my sandwich after I make it.. brat =). I will forever be thankful for helping me pass college. You never gave me the answers, but you believed in me. When I was having anxiety while taking a test or with an assignment you held my hand and helped me breathe. I will forever be in your debt for marrying me and making me a dad. I know we started backwards. Being a parent while we were in school and me working nights was not easy. But you helped me grow. I would not be here if it weren’t for you and our first born. God is he a pain in the ass, but I would not change a damn thing. Our kids are amazing. They get their stubbornness for you. Ok, I swear I have no clue how I a water sign ended up with four earth signs and a air sign in this house. You are all pain. Our beautiful girl is strong and independent from you. You taught her not to take peoples crap and be artist. Our older boys are so damn smart. Remember when cricket was maybe 4 and instead of drawing and coloring on the shower wall he was doing math. Addition, subtraction, and even multiplication. How bubba helped me remember high school math when I was going back to college. I know you where never a math lady, but you got me and him to work together which was hard because we are for the most part like oil and water it helped me and him bond more. You always believed in our lil man. He is doing so great because of you. I know he cant talk but he expresses himself so well. He is so demanding like his momma. Tough love that boy. I swear its like we have to two sets of twins. The oldest and youngest boy and our two middle children. They are two sets of peas in a pod. I am grateful to you for making me better father and husband everyday.
I am writing you this letter because I need you to know I am struggling, and yes I know we talked and told you before but I need you. You fight for our kids every day. The are so lucky to have you as their mom. You will fight doctors, teachers, me, and our family for our kids is rights. Hell has no fury as when your pissed. I should know I have a knack for pissing you off. Luv I am willing to fight for you. To keep our marriage to keep our family. I will take classes. Rotate my sleep paterrn on days off, sleep less on workdays to help with kids and house or appointments. I will do what it takes so its not so hard on you. I am proud to be your husband. I need you to fight for us too. I think I am loanley I want your attention. I need your intimacy and yes that does mean sex too, but not just that. I miss you being flirty and playful, I miss when you would cheat at games and have me let you when for a kiss or some foreplay. I need you to desire to do things with me and want to do them instead of just doing it to make me quiet. I am literally in love with you. I feel lost because I know what I am asking is selfish. You are sick and tired, I want to help I want to be the shoulder you cry one. The person who researches yours and our kids issues. I want to watch the webinars and videos about them to learn. So I can be more understanding. I want me and you to be best friends, and lovers again. I need you to know I am not ready throw in the towel. We have over come so much in 20 years. I just need to know there is something worth fighting for. I am a good father and you are a great mother, but we cant base our marriage on our children we need to make time for us. Not all the time but some days we can go out on a date. We can be a little selfish we can have some us time. We have a full load with our kids and my job and your illness. I am not expecting you to change overnight or in the next few weeks. I would just like some change. I would like you if you read this while I am sleeping not to bring it up when I wake up. I want you to write me a letter so I can read all your feelings. Really take it in and on Tuesday when we don’t have a doctor appointment and i don’t work we can have a cup of coffee or breakfast and we can talk about it. You need to know I love you. I am only here because of you. You are by far my best friend I am going to fight for you.
Luv
S.
11 comments
My post said it was removed because of spam but hopefully i fixed and people can actually read this.
This is one passive aggressive letter. Lots of backhanded compliments.
Assuming the teasing and talking about her cheating on games and such is just the way you too are. (My wife and I are like this also). Then the sentiment is there. Do a rewrite. Add more about your hope for more intimacy that isn’t just sex. Cuddling, message and others. Especially if some things you can do will help her illness. Reread also there are a lot of little errors that don’t really matter, but when people are emotional they see errors as lack of care.
Cut the letter to one paragraph. Tell her a normal active sex life is a relationship deal breaker. Ask her what changes (exactly) she needs to resume having sex twice per week with her husband.
I like this, I’m a fellow water sign. I, too, write out my feelings to communicate with my husband when it comes to deeper issues. It’s easier for me to express myself on paper than verbally. I hope your wife can feel the love in your words.
Wow OP, there is a LOT going on here!
Your wife sounds absolutely overwhelmed and exhausted. My sense is that she is going to read this as you asking her to do even more, to meet your needs. I know you are saying you are willing to “do research” or whatever to help, but chances are since she’s been dealing with the conditions of your kids (and her own health) for years and years already, she is 10 steps ahead of you. So those kinds of promises are likely to feel like “too little, too late.” I’m sure she would appreciate some support with dealing with doctors, making appointments, and so on, though! Are there any tasks you can take over completely, from planning to execution? That’s probably the kind of help she needs, some relief from all the planning and managing.
Another thought: She may be pretty much incapable of having sex with you at this point, due to her illnesses and overwhelming life conditions. So you may be asking for the impossible.
I can tell you are hurting and feeling desperate. It sucks not having sex with your spouse. It sounds to me, though, that there are really, really good reasons she isn’t feeling desirous. Are there ways you can be close that don’t require sex, specifically? That she would find energizing rather than depleting? What does she say she wants, in terms of intimacy (not just sex)?
Good luck to you. This sounds like a really difficult situation!
Maybe use a spell/grammar checker, this was hard to read.
Have you ever thought of going to a marriage encounter retreat over a weekend? You can look them up online for one that is near you and they’re not expensive.
The reason I suggest this is because my husband and I went to one. It had nothing to do with religion so no worries there. It had multiple couples and a lot of expressing feelings, writing and talking to each other’s spouse.
I only suggest because you seem like one that likes to express through writing and know all the work your wife has done over the years for you and the kids. Without the daily issues of housework, bills and kids around, she will be able to really listen and reconnect with you.
At least it worked for me. I had just gone through some major surgery and my emotions were all over the place and was taking it out on my husband. He is not the type to write out his feelings like you are, but during this retreat I was able to understand how he was feeling and it helped me to reconnect with him.
Edit-I forgot to mention that I for one liked your letter. This is something that we were asked to do during the retreat. List things you value about your spouse. List the happy memories. List reasons why you love your spouse. List things other spouse does to make you feel loved, etc.
Do not give your wife this letter. It will not be helpful.
Thanks all for the comments and information. The backhanded compliments and teasing each other is our norm. As for the spelling and grammar issues, to be honest I am horrible at will do more work on it. Thanks all.
This ruined my mascara with tears. It needs some serious editing but it is a desperate plea for connection with your spouse. If more people did this….less affairs would happen.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to save your marriage. I would not hesitate to give this to her.