TL:DR – after a bad argument my girlfriend wants to
* be closer – cuddle, be affectionate, talk about how much we love each other
while I want to
* be further apart – get a break from her, clear my head, spend some time without her
Which is the better coping mechanism? Should I cuddle and be affectionate after bad arguments for her sake (even though I’m not feeling it) or should I insist on getting my own space first?
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My girlfriend \[21F\] is the sweetest person I \[20M\] have ever met. She goes out of her way to do thoughtful things for me, like cook great meals, give random homemade gifts, and tell me how she loves me. We have similar interests, like to game together, and have similar careers – I’ll occasionally ask her to help debug my code and she’ll occasionally ask me to do the same for her. She’s adorable, funny, hot, a good listener, and someone I can relax and be myself around.
We argue occasionally, and there are two patterns that we usually fall into. Good arguments consist of us disagreeing, communicating, listening, and figuring something out, while never losing sight of the fact that we love each other. After good arguments, I love to cuddle her and spend time talking about how we care about each other. It just feels right.
Bad arguments usually have no substance – sometimes if she’s tired, bored, or grumpy she’ll start complaining, nagging, and snapping at me over every little random thing, and there’s no respite until she decides she’s done. Me addressing specific issues – say, by fixing a problem she complains about or giving her a hug and telling her how I love her if she says she feels unloved – does nothing to slow her once she’s started. She’ll be upset, decide that I’m her enemy, try to pick a fight for a while, then eventually tire of it.
After bad arguments, my instinct is opposite of what it is after good arguments. Instead of wanting to cuddle, I want to get away from her. For me, the best way one of these bad arguments could end would be for her to apologize, then go away and leave me alone. She, however, wants the same sort of resolution as if we’d had a mature disagreement – she wants us to cuddle, be affectionate, and spend time talking about how we care about each other. However, for me, being verbally attacked, snapped at, and nagged doesn’t make me feel affectionate. Although I’ll cuddle for her sake, I don’t enjoy it, and I don’t feel like I’ve fully recovered from a bad argument until I’ve had some time to recover away from her.
Which is the better resolution mechanism? Currently, I’ll cuddle and be with her after bad arguments, because I think that’s the more mature resoluation mechanism and it’s nice for her, even though I don’t actually want to. I’d much rather take some time away from her after bad arguments before being lovey-dovey, but I don’t want to be the kind of boyfriend who punishes his girl emotionally when she does things he doesn’t like. What do you think is best, reddit?
6 comments
Everyone needs to do what is best for them. If you need space, that’s perfectly reasonable. Take that space and when you’re ready, you can cuddle.
I would do whatever will make you feel better, so space. Also, when she starts to be in a mood…ask her if she’d like something to eat. It doesn’t have to be a lavish meal. So much of the time when I get cranky I’m just hangry. I’ve noticed this works with both men and women, maybe worth a shot. Good luck OP.
take the time you need, let her know u are and let her know you’ll feel better in a couple days (or how long you need), then do the lovey-dovey stuff. is it possible for you two to check in occasionally during the space to reassure one another?
How often do these “bad arguments” happen?
Does she ever apologize, either for how she treated you in these incidents, or for other things that happen in your lives together?
Both are good, but cuddle right after an argument doesn’t let you the time to think about it.
It’s obvious she doesn’t want to hurt you, so when she do she’ll try to fix things with cuddles, but it’s important to think about the situation and walk towards solutions. It’s how I see it.
So best case scenario would be you get time for yourself to think and get some space, then you two get back together to cuddle.
The first part low key reminded me of my relationship where I want to hug and show affection to my bf where he wants to be away from me. We both go to different psychologist for different reasons but our relationship is something that comes up since I do start arguments where there shouldn’t have been one. One thing my therapist established was communicating what we’re feeling even when we’re upset. You can do this any time when you’re all good and just speak about it with her and tell her why you need to move away from her when you’re upset. Now when I’m upset I ask questions to my bf as to why he did what he did and he’ll explain leading to a simple conversation and we end up both being satisfied by the way we communicated. It’s extremely difficult when you’re mad but honestly we’ve argued angrily and it doesn’t get us anywhere, where when we speak about it calmly we’re able to enjoy our night and be able to keep those mental notes of what triggered him or I. One thing we always tell each other is to ASK QUESTIONS!! And it’s been working for us. I hope this helps